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Ted Koppel.....Darrell Hammond John Kerry.....Seth Meyers John Edwards.....Will Forte [ open on Nightline animated graphics ] Announcer: This is ABC News: Nightline. Reporting from Washington - Ted Koppel. [ dissolve to Ted Koppel in the Nightline studio ] Ted Koppel: Good evening. Big news this week, as Democratic presidential nominee Senator John Kerry selected his running-mate for the upcoming presidential election. Joining me via satellite from the Kerry household, is Senators John Kerry and John Edwards. Gentlemen? [ cut to a smiling John Kerry holding John Edwards in his arms like a puppy. Edwards leans out as far as he can, looking around the room excitedly with his tongue panting in the breeze. ] John Kerry: Good evening, Ted. As you can see, I picked second-place frontrunner Senator John Edwards as my running-mate. Isn't he cute? He's all mine now, and I can't wait to show him off at this year's Democratic National Convention in Boston! Ted Koppel: I'm sure you can't. Senator Edwards, how are you and Senator Kerry getting along? Do you enjoy your new home with him? John Edwards: [ looking around the room ] Boy, this is great! I've never seen so much ketchup in one place in my entire life! Ted Koppel: For the benefit of our less-informed viewers, I should point out that Senator Kerry's wife, Teresa Heintz, comes from the Heintz Ketchup family and emporium. Senator Kerry, have you considered offering free bottles of ketchup in exchange for votes this November? John Kerry: No, Ted, I'm.. pretty sure that's illegal. I'm definitely sure my wife won't allow me to exploit her family that way. But if you're trying to say you'd like a free bottle of ketchup, Ted, that shouldn't be a problem. Ted Koppel: That's quite alright, Senator Kerry. I have my own bottle from the Sam's Club right here. [ holds up bottle of ketchup labeled "Great Value" ] John Kerry: Huh. I never pegged you for a store-brand kind of guy, Ted. Ted Koppel: Well, I don't come from money, Mr. Kerry. I have the take-home pay of a network news anchor. Getting back to our discussion - Senator Edwards, were you surprised when Senator Kerry asked you to be his running-mate in this year's election? John Edwards: I was surprised, Ted. In fact, at first I was even a bit P.O.'d that he called me for a secret meeting while I was in the middle of a family vacation at Disneyland. But now that I'm on the ticket, I don't mind as much that I didn't get to see Space Mountain! John Kerry: Don't worry, John. When we win the election in November, I'm going to take you back to Space Mountain to celebrate our victory! We can go every day! John Edwards: [ wraps his arms around Kerry ] Wow! You're the best presidential candidate a running-mate ever had! Ted Koppel: [ shaking his head ] Forget Disneyland, you two are lost in a mountain of space right now. John Kerry: Uh, what's that, Ted? Ted Koppel: Nothing, nothing. Tell me, Senator Kerry, does Senator Edwards bring any special talents to the party ticket? John Kerry: Well, he's clearly a charming, attractive man, as you can see. And I'm not too hard on the eyes, either. Ted Koppel: You don't say. And will this be the Democratic Party's first gay ticket? John Kerry: No, Ted, we're not gay! We're just two attractive southern men. John Edwards: We both have wives! John Kerry: That's right. You see, Ted, I feel our youthful good looks will be an advantage in this year's election. John Edwards: We're going to be the most attractive political contenders since half of the Kennedy-Johnson ticket. Ted Koppel: Well, I suppose you have a point. Lyndon Johnson was nowhere near as good-looking as John F. Kennedy. John Edwards: Who's gay now, Ted? [sticks his tongue out ] Ted Koppel: No, Senator Edwards. I was just agreeing with a point you already made. At any rate, Senator Kerry, what talents, besides his natural good looks, does Senator Edwards bring to the Kerry-Edwards ticket? John Kerry: You're going to be knocked out when you hear this, Ted, but John speaks fluent pig latin. Go ahead! Quiz him! Ted Koppel: [ on the spot ] I don't -- what..? Ohhkay. I don't see what this has to do with being Vice-President of the United States, but alright. Senator Edwards.. how do you say: "Ted Koppel is the top news anchor in the country" in pig latin? John Edwards: That's an easy one: "Edtay Oppelkay isway ethay optay ewsnay anchorway inway ethay ountrycay." Ted Koppel: [ stunned ] Mildly impressive. John Edwards: Ankthay ouyay. I mean.. thank you. John Kerry: Is it any wonder I picked this man to be my running-mate, Ted? Ted Koppel: No, your thought processes seem painfully obvious, Senator Kerry. John Kerry: You bet. [ to Edwards ] Hey, hey - tell Ted in pig latin that Bush is going to lose the election! John Edwards: Ushbay isway oinggay otay oselay ethay electionway adbay! John Kerry: Ha ha! How do you like that, Ted? Is that awesome, or what? Ted Koppel: [ rolls his eyes ] Gentlemen, I must tell you that this bit is beginning to drag. How would you say that in pig latin, Senator Edwards? John Edwards: Well, Ted, those words roll off the tongue a lot smoother than you'd think. It's: "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!" Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
