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Patrick Lonergan, Mark Jennings Reese & Ryan Stockton.
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.....Tina Fey Ralph Nader.....Chris Parnell Jeremy McAffe.....Seth Meyers Audience Member.....Leo Allen Ron Burgundy.....Will Ferrell Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Tina Fey. Tina Fey: I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories! Former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein remains on trial in the now sovereign nation for war crimes; among the charges against the Baghdad Butcher are the mass murder of thousands of Kurds in 1988, and the deaths of innocent Kuwaitis during Iraq's invasion of the country in 1990. The former tyrant scoffed at the accusations and stated, “Ha, if I really committed such horrible acts against these people, why aren’t they here to verify it?” Hussein remained defiant during the proceedings and denounced his trial as nothing more than a staged act run by President Bush. The judge presiding over the trial responded to the outburst with, "Silence! That is nothing more than a pointless lie! I haven't heard such foolishness since... since... LINE!" With the tyrant facing justice and Iraq moving forward towards a democratic government, President Bush has begun to outline plans to help other nations suffering other dictatorial rule achieve sovereignty. One of the key points in his plan is that the United States will NOT provide chemical and nuclear weapons to such dictators, even if you think they’ll help you fight a common enemy. Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry has selected former rival John Edwards as his running mate, and the personal wealth of the two politicians and their families has created one of the richest campaign tickets in history, estimated at more than a billion dollars. This provides Kerry with quite an advantage, as Edwards’ finances now allow him to bribe an additional seven percent of the American voters. John Kerry said this week that he plans to bring back respect in America. Asked to explain, Kerry said, “For the last 3 and half years, America has been much like a Rodney Dangerfield routine. We were getting no respect, no respect at all!” Kerry then said, “America will become respected again, when I appoint Aretha Franklin, the new Secretary of Agriculture!” A new opinion poll revealed that people like Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein more than President George W. Bush. Asked to comment, President Bush said, “Damn it! Why do I keep losing those damn popularity contests?" When questioned as to whether or not he felt threatened of losing the southern states to John Kerry, George W. Bush said that he will carry the south because he shares their values - such as bad speech, missing teeth, and hot cousins. On Thursday, Federal officials disclosed that Al-Qaida intends to attack the United States in order to disrupt the November elections. Upon learning this information, Ralph Nader said, "Wait just a darn minute - that's what I was hired to do!" Besides elaborate security plans for the political conventions this summer in Boston and New York, officials are considering how to secure polling places in November, based on a pre-election terror attack in Spain earlier this year and recent arrests in England, Jordan and Italy. Also, they're very concerned about old people in Florida hitting the polls past their bedtimes. Tina Fey: Earlier this month independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader made a speech in which he declared that the American government was a “puppet” under the control of the Israeli government. Predictably his comments have created quite a firestorm and have led to charges of anti-Semitism. Here now to clarify his statement is Ralph Nader. (Ralph Nader enters from the right, dressed in a brown dress shirt and with a Hitler-like mustache on his face. He sits down next to Tina, who stares oddly at his familiar facial-hair.) Ralph Nader: Good evening, Tina. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to defend myself. Tina Fey: (slightly put-off) No problem. Uh, that’s an, um, interesting ‘stache you have there. Ralph Nader: Oh, this, I’m glad you like it! I thought it would be good to craft an image for my campaign, you know, give the voters something they can recognize and associate with me. Now, these last few weeks have been rough on me, what with all the allegations of bigotry and anti-Semitism. Thankfully I’ve had my family and friends by my side during these tough times. As it happens, my sister Laura’s in the audience; she’s an anthropology teacher at Berkeley. (He waves to the audience, raising his arm in a seig-heil salute) Hey Laura, great to see you. Thanks for coming. Now, I am here tonight to put an end to these pointless accusations that I harbor a hatred towards the Jewish devi - I mean people. First and foremost, I want to apologize for my statement, it was wrong and erroneous. The Jewish community does not have some hold over the American government to force them to submit to their desires. Hell, they wouldn’t have the time or energy to manipulate Congress, what with the time devoted to their control over the international banks and media. But again, it was in poor judgment to say such a thing, and I am truly sorry. If I wished to protest the United States’ overwhelming kowtowing to Israel, I should have chosen a more valid point for argument, such as the Zionist plot to plant microscopic tracking chips in vaccines, or the subliminal mind control programs broadcast during the news. But I am not an anti-Semite, I hold no grudge against the Jewish people. And I am greatly hurt by these pointless allegations, they are founded in nonsense. I can disprove all of these foolish claims. Last week when I sent my annual donation to the Hamas martyrs group, I could have mailed out blueprints and security schematics for the B’nai Brith foundation, but I did not! I’ll send that out in three weeks, because my post office has temporarily suspended bulk mailing. Now, I hope that after viewing this, the voting public will realize that their judgments were erroneous and faulty, and that you shouldn’t believe the media-spread lies perpetuated by these damn Je… well, you know. Vote Nader for 2004, teach those Green Party bastards a lesson. Tina Fey: (somewhat confused) Ralph Nader, everyone. That was quite an, um, interesting defensive speech, Mr. Nader. Ralph Nader: Well, I’m quite grateful for the opportunity to be here, Tina. Everyone’s been so quick to label me and attack me, they never took the time to hear my side of the story. I really appreciate your gesture. As a matter of fact, I got you a little gift to show my gratitude. I hope you like it. (Nader gives Tina a small jewelry box.) Tina Fey: (surprised) Wow, this is very nice. Thank you. (She opens the box and removes a pair of gold swastika earrings. She looks rather disturbed, but tries to remain tactful.) My, what a... unique design. Ralph Nader: Glad you like them. You know that’s an ancient symbol for good luck and prosperity. As a matter of fact, it was the favored insignia of a revolutionary thinker who wanted to bring about necessary changes... Tina Fey: (abruptly) Ralph Nader, ladies and gentlemen! (Nader walks off the stage. Tina looks at the earrings and holds them up to her earlobes.) Well, they are rather pretty. (She puts them in her pocket for later.) Acclaimed actor Marlon Brando recently passed away at the age of 80. An altercation arose during funeral services for the film legend when it was revealed that Sacheen Littlefeather had taken his place in the casket. A popular item introduced this Independence day was a series of firecrackers modeled as effigies of terrorist leaders Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden, Yasir Arafat and Moamar Quadaffi. You know, develop a firecracker that can blow off the heads of the real deals, and I'll plunk some money down. It was confirmed by his agent that James M. Doohan, best known for playing Scotty from "Star Trek", has Alzheimer's disease. Suspicion started when Doohan was reported saying (in a dreadful Scotish accent), "I can't remember much more, Cap'n! If my head gets any more memory, she'll blow!" Following a shortened performance in Germany last month, rocker David Bowie underwent an emergency angioplasty to open a blocked heart artery. Doctors said from now on there will be major ch-ch-ch-changes in Bowie's diet. During a promotional event for summer reading at the Santa Barbara library this week, State Education Secretary Richard Riordan jokingly told a child that her name, Isis, meant "stupid dirty girl," prompting the head of the California NAACP to call for his resignation. For those of you keeping score, Weekend Update has learned that Riordan's name means "arrogant rich bastard." Robert Barrows, of Burlingame, California has filed a patent application for a video-equipped tombstone that will display a video message from the grave's occupant. Among the more popular video messages recorded so far: "Let me out of here, I was just taking a nap, for crying out loud!" Customers at Gary's Uptown Restaurant in Lodi, California can expect half-off their meals if they are balding, or a free plate if they're completely bald. Said restaurant owner Gary Arnold, "This was easier than having to face lawsuits from people who kept finding hair in their food." Tina Fey: Here with a commentary, from McAffe Funeral Parlor, is Jeremy McAffe. [ Jeremy McAffe, in a classy suit, walks on and stands in front of the WU desk to deliver his commentary ] Jeremy McAffe: Thank you, Tina. There is nothing more tragic than the completely foreseeable passing of a close relative. Besides the emotional strain, many families are also shocked at how expensive a modern funeral can be. We in the funeral industry tend to shy away from “numbers” so I’ll just say the price will exceed the five digit mark. I wish I had better news for you folks, but that’s sadly the truth. So what I’d like to do right now is help one lucky audience member’s family out. What I have here in my hand [ holds up envelope ] is a voucher for all the services involved in a McAffe Funeral. One week’s body storage, embalming, a pick of any of our mid-price caskets, three hour wake and funeral service—all compliments of McAffe Funeral Parlor. So, are you guys ready? [ applause, cheering as a lottery-style ping pong ball machine is wheeled out ] Jeremy McAffe: [ cheerily ] Let’s give away a funeral! [ removes a ball ] Will the person seated in seat H26 please stand up? [ spotlights on Audience Member, who stands up and is escorted to the stage ] Jeremy McAffe: Congratulations, sir, you’ve just won the McAffe Funeral Prize Pack. And what is your name? Audience Member: Anthony Greengoat! Oh, man, I’m so excited, I can’t believe I won! Jeremy McAffe: If you could step right this way, sir, our assistants will help you claim your prize. Audience Member: Wow! This is terrific! [ heads off-stage ] Jeremy McAffe: Thanks for listening folks, I hope I helped demystify the matter for everyone. And in just a few seconds, Anthony Greengoat will begin enjoying all the benefits of a McAffe funeral experience. [ GUNSHOT ] Jeremy McAffe: Thank you, everyone, goodnight! Tina Fey: Jeremy McAffe, everybody! 
This past week, NASA released this new picture of Titan, the best picture yet. Scientists were shocked to find that there were no signs of rivers or oceans on its surface, quite the opposite of what they were led to believe by the third level of Space Invaders. In entertainment news, it was announced that popular TV show "The Simpsons" will show an episode next year that has Lisa rallying for Cornwall freedom. This is only second in controversy, of course, to another episode that has Homer finally finding the weapons of mass destruction. In Nepal, it has been reported that women have begun plowing their fields at night in the nude in order to please their rain god. Funny thing, the rain god is actually Gene Simmons. A scientist in Australia has asked for funding to research the cross dressing sexual acts of cuttlefish. If the funding is received for this project there are plans for a religious movement entitled “Cleansing Nemo.” Two notes were added to an organ in Halberstadt, Germany which is currently performing the world's longest song, a piece arranged by avant-garde composer John Cage. Designed to last 639 years, the piece "Organ2/ASLAP" is reported to close with a vocal by Mick Jagger. In St. Petersburg, Russia, the State Hermitage Museum is planning on making photos of their art available for download. Finally nerds across the world can get away with having naked chicks on their computer screens. It's that time of year again when animal activists flock to Pamplona to protest the annual running of the bulls. The protestors fell back on protesting in their underwear when the were unable to obtain the permit for a full nude protest. This worried most protestors, as it will now be disturbingly obvious just how much the bulls scare them. Tina Fey: Sometimes here at Weekend Update we have stories that demand to be reported by the best, so here, ladies and gentlemen, is legendary news anchor Ron Burgundy. Ron Burgundy: Good evening, America, I am legendary news anchor Ron Burgundy- Tina Fey: They know that, Ron, I just introduced you. Ron Burgundy: Shut up baby machine. Anyway I do have some late breaking news to tell you America, this weekend is the opening of Anchorman, an autobiography film of my life. Also this week I had a discussion with Moses on a big rock. (Ron pulls out two stone tablets from under his desk) The man Moses actually commanded me to proclaim the two new commandments that we all must obey or forever be damned to eternal uh damning. The new 11th commandment is “Thou shall seeith Anchorman many times and bring thy friends and thine distant relatives with they.” The 12th commandment is “Thou shalt in the weeks to come shall buy tickets to Anchorman when seeing other movies so thy box office shall enlargen uh ith.” Also in the news this week the legend of King Arthur has proven to be absolutely untrue. In the middle ages King Arthur was actually a brutal tyrant who tortured puppies, slaughtered children, and created the show Who Wants to Marry my Dad, man I sure would hate to see a movie about that wouldn’t you Tina. Tina Fey: Sure, Ron. Ron Burgundy, everyone. For Weekend Update, I'm Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
