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Marshall Towers.....David Cross Rita Towers.....Amy Poehler Ice Cream Salesman.....Seth Meyers [ ext. Fenway Park – Day ] [ footage of baseball players running onto the field, practicing ] Announcer (V/O): It’s a great day for a game of baseball and I don’t think either team could ask for a day nicer than this. [ ext. Bleachers – Day ] [ Marshall and Rita Towers, a moderately overweight married couple entering their fifties, wander conservatively into the bleachers. Both are wearing bright pink fanny packs, unfashionable sunglasses and baseball caps with flat bills. Rita also carries a large purse in front of her, as if it were a marked truck with the flags preceding wide loads ] Marshall: Well, here we are at the ballgame, Rita. Let’s just enjoy ourselves and worry about how we’re going to get the car back on the road later. Rita: [ huffs ] Well, I pointed out the sign. Marshall: I thought I just said we were going to enjoy ourselves. Rita: Fine. Is this our section? Marshall: Check the tickets. Rita: [ browsing through purse ] I know I put the tickets back in here, here’s some chewing gum, some coupons, Haagen-Dazs buy one get one free. Marshall: Tickets first. Widening your fat ass second. Rita: [ still browsing ] A tampon… [ absentmindedly pulls out wrapped tampon and chucks it over her head into stands ] it’s not like I’m gonna need that thing anymore. Marshall: [ shocked, uncertain ] What does that mean? No more sex? Rita: [ stares Marshall down ] You’re an idiot. Marshall: [ defensive ] I said I was sorry about Tuesday! Rita: [ grumbles and resumes searching ] Here they are. [ produces tickets ] Section 34F. Marshall: You know what, you’re right.. I will try that Viag-ig-ira or whatever it is. Rita: [ inspecting tickets ] Well that’s a frozen crap, looks like my seat’s gonna be right next to yours. Last time I let you buy the tickets. Marshall: Course, with my luck, it’d work just as well as that damn Rogaine. Rita: [ prodding ] Keep moving, limpy, these ain’t our seats. [ they exit ] [ footage of batter stepping to plate ] Announcer (V/O): Garcia steps to the plate and it looks like he may be setting a new single game record for helmet shininess. Certainly one of the shiniest I’ve ever seen. Garcia, of course, thirteenth on the all-time shiny helmet list, just shy of “The Wizard,” Ozzie Smith. [ ext. Pier – Day ] [ dockworkers move boxes around, some using forklifts. An arrow-shaped sign: “Section 34D – G” points to the left. Marshall and Rita enter ] Marshall: See that sign? That means we must be getting close to our seats. Rita: I can hardly see the game from here. Marshall: Aha! That’s why I packed binoculars! [ removes small, cheapo plastic binoculars from fanny pack and uses them ] Wow, you can see the whole game with these things. Rita: I’m hungry. Marshall: Not now… I think someone’s batting. Or pitching. [ hot dog salesman appears ] Hot Dog Salesman: Hot Dogs! Red hot! Rita: Maybe if limpy here could learn to barbeque, I wouldn’t be sick of them already. [ multiple other salesman loudly hawking their wares enter, including cotton candy, pepsi, ice cream, pork ribs and pornography. All circle the Towers in mantra mode ] Pork Ribs Salesman: Pork Ribs! Official food of America! Eat em or get back on the boat! Pornography Salesman: Pornography! Get your pornography! Wide-open beavers! Rita: [ stopping the ice cream salesman ] Alright skinny boy, whaddya got? Ice Cream Salesman: I have Ice Cream Sandwiches, Chocolate Cups, Lime Pops and Cherry Pops. Rita: Hrmmph… thirty five years too late for that one. Nice of you to offer though. The chocolate any good? Ice Cream Salesman: Absolutely, they’re terrific. Rita: Like I believe that. Nice try Twiggy. Ice Cream Salesman: [ ignoring ] We only sell the finest in ice creams. Rita: I know this guy, he runs an all-beef barbeque buffet. You should see him sometime, Iggy Pop. Ice Cream Salesman: I couldn’t do that; I’m a vegetarian, miss. Rita: Yeah, yeah, yeah, can your preaching and just sell the fat lady her ice cream. [ she buys an ice cream ] Marshall: Wow, you missed a great play! [ pulls the binoculars down ] Well, at least you decided to wait until we were somewhere with forklifts to haul your fat ass around. [ footage of pitcher warming up on the mound before an inning ] Announcer (V/O): Going back to our Galooley Term Life Insurance Trivia Question of the Day: Who was the first Lithuanian transsexual to play in the major leagues? And the answer is: Norman Little. First Lithuanian transsexual and a hell of a left-fielder. [ ext. Section 34F – day ] [ Marshall and Rita, still eating her ice cream, enter ] Marshall: Here we are. [ they sit down ] Marshall: [ lifting his binoculars back up to his face ] Oh sweet labia, these seats are good! I can see everything. Rita: [ casts Marshall a look, and then grimaces at her ice cream ] I think that the salesman forgot to mention that this ice cream has all the taste of pig crap. [ takes another bite ] Marshall: Quiet! I’m trying to watch the game. I think there’s someone on base! Rita: Maybe more like poodle crap. [ takes another bite ] Hmmm. Honey, which kind of crap does this taste more like, pig or poodle? [ sticks a spoonful right in his face ] Marshall: Ach! I don’t know! Rita: Taste it! Marshall: No way! Rita: Taste it, Marshall! Marshall: I don’t want to eat either! Rita: Just taste it! [ force feeds Marshall ] So which is it? Pig crap or poodle crap? Marshall: Why do you think I would know? Rita: [ takes another bite ] Definitely pig. Marshall: Suits you then. [ a beat ] It’s not that bad, Rita. If you want me to, I’ll finish it. Rita: No, I can eat it. Marshall: Fine! [ huffs ] Rita: One of the cameramen found us. Smile. [ quick cut of monitor showing them sitting ] Marshall: Just my luck, I get on the monitor sitting next to someone slurping up poodle crap. Rita: I said it was pig. Marshall: Whatever. [ zoom out to reveal seats are inside a Circuit City, with one of the store cameras on them and a wall of televisions repeating the image ] Marshall: You’re not gonna flash your boobs again, are you? Cause no one wants to see them. [ fade out ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
