|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Gary Sandstone.....David Cross Harold Daniels.....Will Forte Judge Cornwallis.....Rachel Dratch Clerk.....Finesse Mitchell (Open to a small claims court, a group of about thirty people sits in rows of chairs. A clerk (Mitchell) sits typing noisily one key at a time with one finger at a time. After a few seconds of typing, the clerk stands. Everyone speaks in hick-ish Midwestern accents) Clerk: All rise for the honorable Judge Cornwallis. (The judge (Dratch) enters, barely visible as she walks in from her judge's chambers to her chair. When she sits she disappears completely.) Judge: Raise my chair. Clerk: What's that? Judge: Raise my chair, someone shrunk my chair and I need it raised. Clerk: Okay, one moment. (The clerk begins typing loudly, finger punching the keys.) Judge: What are you doing? Clerk: (still typing) I'm putting this on record. Judge: It doesn't need to be on record. Clerk: (still typing) The laws state that every relative thing to a case must be on record. Judge: (her voice rising) This is not an actual case. Just raise my chair. Clerk: (stops typing) But I don't want to break procedure. Judge: RAISE MY CHAIR! (The clerk leaves his post and walks around the corner to adjust the Judge's chair. She can be heard jumping off of the chair and a popping noise is heard as the chair elevates.) Judge: Could you lift me? Clerk: Does that need to be on record? (The judge with an agitated expression comes into view, the clerk lifting her up and onto her chair. She picks up a document and looks it over.) Judge: I'm going to skip roll and just dive into the cases, are there any objections? No? Great, first up Mr. Harold Daniels and Mr. Gary Sandstone. (Daniels (Forte) and Sandstone (Cross) stand up, each wearing a suit. They glare at each other and walk to the front of the court. The clerk begins typing loudly, finger punching the keys again.) Judge: You know, I don't think we'll need your services today. Clerk: What? That's against code. Who will record the exchanges of all relevant information pertaining to each case? (She pulls a small tape recorder out from under her judge robes.) Judge: Panasonic. (The clerk looks angrily from the judge to the recorder. He leans in close to the recorder.) Clerk: You haven't seen the last of me. (The clerk runs out laughing maniacally.) Judge: On to the matter at hand. Harold: Your honor, I am just a humble man from the town of Pink, Oklahoma. I had hoped to be the next head of the Save the Earth committee. Yet one day as I was setting up campaign ads in my legally designated spaces I turned around and saw this man following right behind me unearthing my signs. Gary: He was littering! What kind of a head of the Save the Earth committee would he make? I care too much about our planet to let him destroy it as a part of his political games. Harold: My signs were beautiful -- Gary: No. Harold: They were dedicated to -- Gary: No they weren't. Harold: I -- (Harold pauses to see if Gary will interrupt. Gary appears to be staring off into space.) Harold: I intend -- Gary: Intend, inschmend! The signs sucked. Okay, everybody's thinking it, I'm just saying it. Your signs were the equivalent of a retard's finger paintings, minus the talent - and the fingers. (Harold holds up two fingerless hands.) Harold: I lost them trying to save my apple tree from the wood chipper. I lost them for my Woody... (He begins to get choked up.) I can still see that fateful day, my hands wrapped around its cylindrical shape, pulling, back and forth, one hand over the other, different directions, trying to release it. But the wood chipper had no mercy.. on my Woody or my fingers. Gary: boohoo! I lost my woody. That's right, my penis. I lost my real penis. Know how? I married a psycho, cut it off. I still got one of my balls though. Do you see me making ugly signs and sticking them in front of people's houses? No. Judge: So what exactly is the issue here? Harold: He stole my personal property. Gary: I did it for the well being of our fair town. I care; I am a sensitive in touch man. Harold: That was my campaign slogan! Gary: Shut up, stumpy! Judge: And what are you suing him for? Harold: I just want my signs back. Gary: (in a mimicking, whiny voice) I just want my signs back, poor me. I have no fingers, and I want my ugly signs back because my face isn't enough ugly to inflict on the world. Harold: You-you- (Gary begins nodding his head and making obscene facial expressions towards Harold.) Harold: There's no other word for it, you're a stinker. (The courtroom gasps.) Harold: I had to, I had to say it. You're a stinker! Judge: ENOUGH! In order to make a decision, I'm going to need to see the sign. Gary: I have one right here. (He hands a sign which he has next to him to the judge.) Judge: Oh my, oh.. wow. (She sets the sign down and takes a drink of water from a Dora the Explorer squeeze water bottle.) Judge: That's a really terrible sign. Harold: I have no fingers! I did the best I could. Judge: Try your feet, try you nose, but this -- this is -- despicable. Gary: No one should have to see that, it's like a fat man showing off his man boobs at a nudey beach; just put them the freak away. Judge: For every one of these signs that you posted I am fining you $100 dollars for littering, this is trash Mr. Daniels. It is trash. Furthermore, you are to withdraw from the election. A man who makes something that would pain Mother Nature with a waste of her paper and paint as a part of his campaign has no business heading a Save the Earth committee. (Gary starts dancing with glee, Harold sinks to his knees in despair.) Judge: I have decided. (She bangs the gavel.) It's time for a break. I need to pee. Can someone help me down? (The entire court room filters out. Gary jumps over people, pushing them out of the way, singing his victory. Harold, still on his knees, sits holding his fingerless hands in front of him.) Harold: Woody, I've failed you. Judge: Can you help me? I've really got to pee, I had too much coffee and it's gone right through me. (As Harold ignores her, the camera closes in on the judge's face as she casts a considering and then determined look on her Dora the Explorer squeeze water bottle.) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
