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Father.....Chris Parnell Mother.....Amy Poehler Clown.....David Cross Doctor.....Kenan Thompson INT. Hospital Room FATHER (Parnell) and MOTHER (Poehler) stand by hospital bed w/ motionless child. Mother: Oh, God...he’s gone! Our little boy is gone! [Mother falls into father’s arms.] Father: (tearful) Now there, there...let’s pull ourselves together, alright? I think that’s what’s best right now...we need to be strong. Mother: It’s just that...for a boy his age to get cancer, and die, it’s just so terrible! [Interrupting her lament is a man (Cross) entering the room dressed as a clown.] Clown: (high-pitched, cartoonish voice) Helloooo boys and girls! It’s Bebop the Clown, and guess what? I’m feeling extra silly today! Father: (surprised) Who are you? Clown: I just told you, sillyhead! (sauntering over to the hospital bed) Hey...who’s the lucky trooper? C’mon, son, wake up! I’m Bebop the Clown and I’ve got a thousand treats in my pocket just for you if you can get up and show me your silly face! Mother: Oh, God! He’ll never wake up again! Clown: Oh, fiddlesticks! Hey, watch this! (starts pulling a long, multicolored handkerchief out of his pocket, which he balls up) Catch! (throws it at the child’s lifeless body) Father: (calmly) Listen, I don’t know if you’ve just got the wrong room or what...but we would really like for you to leave, ok? Clown: Why? The fun’s just beginning! I can make anything you want out of a balloon! (pulls a balloon out of his pocket and blows it up quickly) What’s your son in for? Father: He had cancer...but now he’s... Clown: (interrupting) Oh...well, I’ve got great news for you, dad! (quickly forms the balloon into an oval-like shape) I can make balloon miracle cures! Here, eat this...(stuffs the balloon in the child’s face) and you’ll live forever! Mother: Don’t you get it??? He’s dead, you idiot...he’s dead! Clown: Dead??? Really? Mother and Father: (simultaneously) Yes!!! Clown: Sure you’re not pullin’ ol’ Bebop’s leg? Mother and Father: (again, simultaneously) No!!! Clown: Sure he’s not just sleepin’...or ridin’ the ol’ Morphine moped? Mother and Father: (again, simultaneously) NO!!! Clown: Well, uh...hey, this is awkward! Uh...how ‘bout I cheer you guys up? I got tricks for adults too! Watch me... [The clown scrambles around the room looking for things. He picks up a scalpel, a model of the human heart, and a book that says "CANCER" on it and begins juggling them.] Clown: Look! I can juggle anything! See! Father: (getting in the clown’s face) Listen! I don’t know what you’re tryin’ to pull here, but our son just died! We don’t need this right now! Clown: (angrily) No you listen...ok? This is my job...I’m a hospital clown! I get paid to cheer up kids and grieving families! What do you want me to do, huh??? You want me to bring your son back to life...is that what you want? Father: No! It’s just that... Clown: (interrupting loudly) Because I can’t! Father: I’m not asking you to bring our son back to life! I just want you to leave! Clown: Why? What have I done wrong? Father: Nothing! It’s that our son just died! Clown: So? What’s wrong with dying? Jesus died on the cross...and that wasn’t bad! Mother: How could you say something like that? (goes back to sobbing) Clown: What? It’s true! And besides...at least you guys can go and make another kid! No one will ever make another Jesus! Father: I’m gonna kill you! (reaches over and begins choking the clown) [A doctor (Thompson) enters the room.] Doctor: Hey! What the hell is goin’ on here??? Father: (letting go of the clown) This...this hospital clown here is...is being... Doctor: (interrupting) Is being really helpful? Father: No! He said it was ok that our son had died because Jesus died! Doctor: Oh, so he was offering you spiritual counseling...what are you people, athiests? (a beat) Listen, Bebop...maybe you just oughta leave... Clown: (almost sadly) Why? What did I do? Doctor: Listen...we’ll talk about this later, alright? Clown: (moping) Ok... Doctor: I think there’s a little boy in Room 222 that could use a bit of good cheer...why don’t you go down there and really give it to ‘em. Clown: (excited and in good spirits again) Alright! [The doctor pats him on the back as he runs out of the room, affixing his wig and nose to his head while moving.] Father: What the hell is his problem?? Doctor: Just calm down, ok? Now, I’m really sorry about Bebop... Mother: Well, you should be! Doctor: I know! It’s just that...he’s my adopted brother, and last year he was in dire straits. He was an ex-con, a deadbeat dad, a hobo...a disco king, but only for a month...and a drunk before he came to me begging for work. So, I got him this gig as a hospital clown. Father: Oh...I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that. Doctor: Well, I did the best I could, you know. I mean, he’s really unskilled...he can barely dress himself without a candy-striper. But, he’s really cleaned himself up since coming here. Mother: (sniffling) Well...I guess he did do the best he could, right dear? Father: I guess. Listen doc, we’re really sorry about getting so upset and all. Doctor: Believe me, you’re not the first family to have issues with Bebop! Father: Well, good. (a beat) So, doc...what should we do now? Doctor: What do you mean? Mother: What do we do about Timmy? Doctor: (shrugs his shoulders) Uh...I don’t know. He’s dead, right? Father: Yeah... Doctor: Well, he’s your son...you clean ‘em up! Father: Why you mother... [The father lunges towards the doctor, who runs out of the room quickly with the father following as the screen fades to black.] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
