|
|
|
|
|
|
|
.....Philip Seymour Hoffman Mo.....Amy Poehler Carter.....Fred Armisen [ int. Home Base, Studio 8H – Saturday Night ] V/O: Ladies and Gentlemen, Philip Seymour Hoffman! [ Philip Seymour Hoffman enters to applause ] Philip: Thanks, thank you. It’s great to be here, hosting Saturday Night Live. It’s great to be recognized like this, especially after all the movies I’ve done, roles I’ve taken. I like to think I’ve challenged myself as an actor, but truth be told, I haven’t had too many starring roles. That was why this show’s publicists set up a meeting with me two weeks ago. They were worried I wouldn’t be recognized, especially as they have been booking hosts like Jessica Simpson and the Olsen Twins. I said, not to worry, I’ve done plenty of films – I did Punch-Drunk Love with Adam Sandler [ applause ] Magnolia, The Big Lebowski… But, they still wanted to meet with me so I said, “Why not?” [ int. Meeting Room – Day ] [ Mo and Carter, mutually assertive and oppressively friendly, are seated as Philip Seymour Hoffman enters ] Mo: [ holding up press packet with photo to confirm Philip’s identity ] Hi! Carter: Hi! Philip: Hi. Mo: Howdy. Carter: Howdy. Mo: It’s great you were able to come in today. Carter: Really terrific. Thanks. Mo: We just had a few little concerns… Carter: …really nothing more than itches … Mo: …rashes… Carter: …actually no worse than sweat stains… Mo: …to make sure Philip Seymour Hoffman is a good fit for Saturday Night Live. Philip: Okay… What do you want to talk about? Carter: How do you feel about the color black? Is Philip Seymour Hoffman black? Philip: No… I’m sorry, I’m not seeing what you’re getting at. Mo: All we need is the word and we can set you up for a starring role in Men in Black III. Carter: We got Will Smith ready to roll… Mo: …A crack team of one-liner professionals… Carter: …Hoobastank’s written a theme song… Mo: …It’s action, it’s excitement… Carter: …Is it Philip Seymour Hoffman? Philip: [ a beat, then realizes he’s supposed to answer ] I’m not really sure I’d fit in an action role. Mo: Alright, alright, take your time. Your filmography is… Carter: …Good… Mo: …Hefty… Carter: …Strong… Mo: …Fantastic! Carter: But… Mo: But… Carter: But… Mo: But… Carter: But… Mo: We just need to see you in something a bit more popular… Carter: We were thinking, “Why don’t you star in Titanic?” Philip: [ a beat ] That movie was already released. Carter: Exactly! Mo: Titanic was a huge hit… Carter: …a phenomenon… Mo: …a real Jurassic Park of its time… Philip: Are you even allowed to use that as an expression yet? Carter: Wake up and taste the sweet, sweet honey; with Titanic, you can’t lose! Philip: The movie’s been made! It’s not physically possible! Mo: Alright, alright, take a breather. We have other ideas. Carter: How’s this… Why don’t you invent something? Mo: Something everyone needs and would know about. Carter: We’ll toss you in a few commercials and dynamo! Your face is everywhere. Philip: I’m not really a— Mo: Don’t worry, it will all be ghost-engineered. Carter: We’ll just start rattling some ideas off, stop us when you hear one you like. Mo: How about the telephone? Everyone loves a telephone. Philip: I’m pretty sure that’s already been invented. Carter: Design an oil rig. Mo: Invent the pogo stick. Carter: Can’t go wrong inventing strawberries. Mo: Perhaps discover Coulomb’s Law. Philip: This is getting ridiculous! Carter: Inventing isn’t your strong point, that’s fair. Mo: We’re just trying to find your strong point and capitalize on it. Carter: How are your translational skills? Philip: Huh? Mo: The King James Version, not popular. Carter: Some people feel a little threatened by it. Mo: So tell us, can we expect a Seymour Hoffman Revised Version? Philip: Hold on now, this is getting way over-the-top. Carter: Over the top! That’s it! You could pole vault in the Olympics! Mo: It’s a terrific program just starting its 2004 season on NBC. Carter: The timing couldn’t be better. Philip: Stop! Just stop. I’m not an athlete, and besides, the trials have all been over for months now. Let me just do the show, people will know who I am. And if not, I feel they’ll still enjoy my work in the sketches. Mo: No Olympics. Carter: Only one thing left that we can do. Mo: You’re absolutely right. Mo and Carter: Sex tape. Mo: I’ll costar. [ begins immediately removing blouse ] Carter: And I’ll film it. [ pulls camera out and starts setting up tripod ] [ int. Home Base, Studio 8H – Saturday Night ] Philip: It’s a bit sad really; I haven’t seen the tape anywhere. Anyway, stick with us, Wang Chung is here, we’ll be right back. [ zoom out and fade out ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
