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.....Tina Fey .....Finesse Mitchell .....Kenan Thompson John Kerry.....Seth Meyers Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Tina Fey. Tina Fey: I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories! In Britain, a government-sponsored study has reported finding environmentally significant levels of Prozac in the country's drinking water. When asked to comment, one government official said “There’s Prozac in the water? That’s great. Everything is just so great.”. According to new research, farmed salmon contain high levels of flame-retardant chemicals known as PBDE’s. While that may not be good health news, it’s great news for people like me who just can’t get the hang of cooking salmon. A chain of private schools in California, where immigrant students learned that there are 53 states, 4 branches of the U.S. government and that Word War II took place between 1938 to 1942, were shut down this week. Though disappointed, one student was philosophical about the closure, saying, "Oh well, that’s the way the banana crumbles." In Rome, a man was arrested when he was found to have thrown nearly half a dozen hamsters off of his neighborhood terrace. The real sad news in this story is authorities were still unable to save Flipper from being harpooned by the same man. In the world of nature, a group of super ants in Argentina have taken over nearly 60 miles worth of land for their own. The only downside is their questionable leader who has sent many ants to die trying to take over a faraway picnic. Thousands of gay marriages made by the lawyer of San Francisco were voided by the Supreme Court saying that the Mayor had overstepped his powers. In response to this, the mayor said, and I quote: "Oh no you didn’t!" In medical news, scientists found that the abortion drug RU486 has no affect on later pregnancies that may happen. However when you take LV-426 you just get creatures dripping acid on you, big explosions, and an ass kicking from Sigourney Weaver. Earlier this week Tigger was announced not guilty of charges that he had allegedly fondled a young girl while she was having her picture taken at Disney World. Tigger and the gang though is still under scrutinous eyes after Piglet’s shocking sex change. Seriously, does anybody which sex Piglet is? Penny Marshall and Cindy Williams of “Laverne and Shirley” fame were both given stars on the coveted Hollywood walk of fame. In a related story “Lenny and Squiggy” were both honored by being given 10% off on their latest order at Domino’s Pizza… Adidas has introduced a new pair of ‘baller’ shoes called, “The Garnett” being modeled by Minnesota Timberwolves star Kevin Garnett. “The Garnett” will get you to the playoffs, but after the first round, you’re on your own! Country singer Charlie Daniels, is drawing heat from the Arab-American community who say his song, "This Ain't No Rag, It's a Flag," because the song refers to a derogatory term used against Arab-Americans. A spokesman for the Arab-American community said, “If Mr. Daniels gets in my cab, I will not drive him anywhere!” President Bush said recently, “The Republican Party must work harder to attract black voters. We must promise ourselves and the black community to attract the black vote!” Bush then tried to make good on his promise by cutting a rug, laying down some cardboard and break dancing to Usher’s “YEAH”. Trent Lott held a press conference, this evening, detailing his idea for a new film that will appeal to the black community. His idea was, “A black version of Ghost, entitled Spook.” More on this story as it develops. In Celebrity News, Paris Hilton and Nick Carter have broken up. Asked to comment, one of the guys from LFO said, “Well, I guess it’s my turn!” Toys "R" Us may be looking to exit the children's toy business in the near future, as it feels that chain is no longer profitable. CEO John Eyler expects the business to continue by focusing on different age groups, such as their profitable Babies "R" Us and the new adult toy chain Dildos "R" Us. This just in, late breaking story! Trent Lott has been stabbed to death with a knife, by what officials are calling a “big bunch of chicken heads”. More on this story as it develops. China's first nude beach was quickly shut down this week as the country's leaders realized they hadn't been doing enough to oppress their citizens lately. More late breaking news on that Trent Lott killing, the officials have been killed by what is being called “a big bunch of kool-aid drinkers”. Oh god! I wonder if that means the black folks will be coming after me! I hope not! I love soul food! I’m down with you people. (Finesse Mitchell & Kenan Thompson rush the update desk) Finesse Mitchell: What do you mean, “you people”? Kenan Thompson: Yeah! Tina Fey: Well, you know…the black community. Finesse Mitchell: Oh, I gotcha! I think the black community will forgive you if you have sex with us! Kenan, you agree? Kenan Thompson: Yeah, Tina’s fine! Not much for those glasses but…hey! Tina Fey: Ah, no…no thanks, guys. I’m married. Ah, you can take Amy and Rachel. They are a couple of white girls. They are almost as good. Amy is really slutty, too! Kenan Thompson: Yo, that’s cool for me! (Finesse Mitchell turns to the camera) Finesse Mitchell: Yo, Al Sharpton, it’s okay, the feud between the black community and Tina Fey is over. You do not need to call a press conference! I repeat, DO NOT CALL A PRESS CONFERENCE! Mitchell, out! Kenan Thompson: Thompson, out! Tina Fey: Our black cast members…I mean, our featured players! Gene Moore, University of Florida's cheerleading coach, was fired for allowing his athletes to wear shirts listing "10 Reasons to Cheer Naked." He claimed it was the students' idea, and that in his defense, at least he got them to wear the shirts. Slightly distressing was reason #3: "Because the guys on the team would like to prove they actually have penises." The smoking gun, however, was reason #1: "Because Gene Moore is taping it all and promises good money and free booze once he gets a distribution deal." Miramax is currently in negotiations. A researcher at MIT has determined which vowel sounds make a name sexy. As expected, men are just looking for women with a large set of umlauts. In a shocking Olympic upset, the Iraq men’s soccer team upset powerhouse Portugal in a come-from-behind 4-2 win. Upon hearing the news the U.S. men’s soccer team immediately invaded the victors' locker room and stole all their Gatorade. With the success of the new film “Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle”, Michael Moore has announced that his next film will be titled, “Michael Moore Goes To White Castle”. In response to this, White Castle has announced they are shutting down all their locations in the continental United States. Russell Simmons' wife was arrested for speeding and drug possession, this week. As millions of black people started hanging their heads down low, the white community was amazed to discover that black people are really into Chinese food. A poll this week shows that John Kerry is beating President Bush in key states. Asked to comment, President Bush said, "What about the states you need a combination in order to open? Damn it, you know I'm not good with numbers!" This week, musician George Clinton was arrested for possesion of drug paraphernalia. Clinton pleaded no contest because the P-Funk All Stars were not available to back him up. It seems former tennis star John McEnroe's new talk show, which has earned two ratings of 0.0, is being greeted by TV viewers with love. Station execs were further alarmed to find that the statistic of 40,000 viewers actually just means 3. For the first time in nearly 12 years, Fabio is not the number one bookseller cover boy. This week, two equally sick individuals, Bill Clinton’s “My Life” and Ken Foskett’s “Judging Thomas” which is a book about Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, shared the number one spot. Congratulations you sick bastards! Tina Fey: And now here with a personal comment is the Democratic Presidential Candidate, Senator John Kerry! John Kerry: Thank you, Tina. You know, I’m having a problem with what people in the media are saying about me. A lot of people in the media, and in the entertainment industry, like Tina here, have been really getting under my skin with what they have been coming up with. Tina Fey: What exactly is bothering you, Mr. Kerry? John Kerry: The name “flip-flop”. You know, I don’t like flip-flops! I’m more of a saddle guy. (Pause) No, wait a minute, I do like flip-flops! Sorry about that. Change of heart, I guess. Tina Fey: Mr. Kerry, that’s what people mean by “flip-flop”. You stake your opinion on one issue, and then change your mind, abruptly. John Kerry: Ah! I see. Well…I guess that’s why it took me so long to choose a running mate. You know Tina, it’s Howard Dean for about 2 minutes, and then I was set on Al Sharpton…then Bill Clinton, then Hillary Clinton and then John Edwards…then I thought John Mc Cain would be a good chose. Then I went back to John Edwards. Tina Fey: I see. Mr. Kerry, your time is up. Senator John Kerry, ladies and gentlemen! For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have pleasant tomorrow. Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
