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Heather Tesch.....Tina Fey Marshall Seese.....Darrell Hammond Jen Carfagno.....Amy Poehler Tour Guide.....Seth Meyers Jen Fan.....Philip Seymour Hoffman Security Guard/Himself.....Finesse Mitchell [ open on SUPER: "This week at The Weather Channel" ] [ dissolve to Heather Tesch and Marshall Seese at the desk, early Friday morning ] Heather Tesch: It's going to be a gorgeous weekend in Chicago, Minneapolis, today. But, in Florida, Hurricane Charley predicted to make landfall on the western coast around four o'clock today. Serves them right. I'm just kidding. [ dissolve to art card: "Travel Update" ] Marshall Seese: Jen Carfagno, our Travel Analyst, joins us now. There's abundant travel problems out there on the East Coast. Heather Tesch: How is it shaping up, Jen? [ Jen stands at the map ] Jen Carfagno: Well, we're checking in with Florida, of course. And with a Category 3 hurricane, which is probably what we're looking at here, about 3 to 5 hours before landfall, some of those evacuation routes may not be even be usable, because of the -- [ coughs ] -- the storm surge. Excuse me. [ bends over desk and lets a loud, mighty cough rip ] God, why does this kind of thing always happen when we're live on the air? Listen, if you're going to travel today, just stay the hell away from Florida. Travel on Interstate 75 is not recommended today, as if you need to hear it out of my mouth. Of course, many of our viewers watch The Weather Channel twenty-four hours a day evne when there's no hurricane, so I'm giving you more credit than you're capable of. Heather Tesch: [ trying to control her giggle ] Jen Carfagno: You want a piece of me, Tesch? Marshall Seese: Alright, alright.. no need for a catfight this early in the morning. How about that Weekend Getaway? Jen Carfagno: Absolutely. Let's head over to Greece. The U.S. Women's Soccer Team is back in action Saturday at the Olympics. Here's a look at the forecast for the game in Northern Greece: it will be hot for that meetch -- [ sighs, collects her thoughts ] -- match -- against.. against the unbeaten Brazil team. Screw this, I need coffee. [ Jen walks away from the map ] Marshall Seese: Alright, thanks, Jen. More coverage of Hurricane Charley when we come back from our break. [ camera lights go low ] Heather Tesch: How much money do you think we can get for today's footage? Marshall Seese: That depends on whether we sell it to a reality blooper show, or to the online perverts. Heather Tesch: I like the idea of ripping off the online pervs. Marshall Seese: True, they'll pay whatever price we ask. [ suddenly, a tour group passes through the studio ] Tour Guide: Alright, people, let's quiet down. We are now standing in The Weather Channel studio room. This is where all the live desk reports are broadcast. If you look to your left, you'll see anchors Heather Tesch and Marshall Seese. If you're fascinated by raw data, Heather has been with The Weather Channel since 1999, while Marshall has been hanging around since 1987. Marshall Seese: [ smiling ] Well, I do more than "hang around", of course -- Tour Guide: You're wasting your breath, Marshall. This is our all-male group. At this early hour, their sole interest is going to fall on Heather and Jen. Jen Fan: [ raises his arm ] Jen's here? Tour Guide: Uh.. yes, I checked the schedules last night. Have either of you seen Jen? Heather Tesch: She went for coffee. She had trouble with a couple of her lines. Jen Fan: Oh, this is going to be sweet! Marshall Seese: You like making fun of Jen? Jen Fan: No. But at least now we knows she's fallable. She's like a goddess within reach. Tour Guide: That's right. These people watch The Weather Channel day and night because it's their reality. You can keep your "Big Brother" and "Survivor", these guys want to see attractive girls pointing at maps. Jen Fan: [ begins eating an apple ] So.. who's pregnant this week? Tour Guide: No, no. Sex during hurricane season was banned after Georges in '98. But what they do during cold and flu season is their own business. [ presses finger to earpiece ] Good news, everyone. I'm being told that Kristina Abernathy has just entered the building. [ the tour group hoots and hollars ] [ Jen Carfagno re-enters with her coffee ] Tour Guide: Alright, gang, here's the moment you've been waiting for. Jen Carfagno has returned. Jen, want to make a couple of quick bucks by auctioning off your coffee cup once you've finished with it? Jen Carfagno: Why doesn't everyone just buy their own coffee cup downstairs in the gift shop? There's thousands to choose from. Jen Fan: [ steps forward ] Excuse me, Miss Carfagno -- do you mind if I call you Miss Carfagno? I just have to say that you're my favorite on-air Weather Channel personality. Not to take anything away from Miss Tesch, but you're the reason I go to bed at eight o'clock every night -- no matter what you might have heard from my parents. Jen Carfagno: [ unsure what to say ] Well, thank you. I'm glad you enjoy my segments every morning. Thank you for watching. Jen Fan: Could I do you the honor of buying you lunch today? I know a great little sushi restaurant across town that serves the best spaghetti I've ever tasted. Jen Carfagno: What kind of sushi restaurant serves spaghetti? Jen Fan: Are you kidding? You can get everything at Mama Luigi's. Jen Carfagno: Well, thank you for your gracious offer, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to decline. I have a lot of hurricane coverage to report on. I'm even willing to be choppered directly into the line of fire if it can get me out of this situation. Tour Guide: Well, buddy, you tried. Now, if everyone will follow me, I'm going to show you the official Weather Channel cafeteria. Right about now is the time when Dr. Steve Lyons sits down to eat a bowl of Frosted Flakes with banana, so we'd better hurry. [ the group moves forward, except for the Jen Fan who stays behind ] Jen Fan: Um.. so, I don't suppose you'd like to exchange e-mail or anything, would you? It's really easy to remember - Jenfan at Yahoo. I'd love to find an e-mail waiting from you when I get back to my parents' house tonight. Jen Carfagno: Um.. no, that's not going to happen. Jen Fan: What if I sweetened the pot with a kiss? Jen Carfagno: Alright, I can't deal with this. [ looks off-screen ] Security! Jen Fan: No, not security! Please. [ Security Guard steps in ] Security Guard: How can I be of assistance, Miss Carfagno? Jen Carfagno: Can you return this guy to the other weather nerds? They're in the cafeteria bothering Dr. Steve. Security Guard: Nothing I like doing better than hassling weather nerds. Let's go, boy. [ yanks the Jen Fan by the ear and pulls him off-camera ] Jen Fan O/S: It is so over between us, Jen! From now on, I'm only fondling myself when Marshall comes on the screen! [ Marshall Seese blushes as the scene fades to black ] [ after three seconds, the scenes fades up on Finesse Mitchell and Philip Seymour Hoffman off the set ] Finesse Mitchell: Good scene, man. You better go get ready for your next sketch. Philip Seymour Hoffman: I'm on it. [ takes a couple steps into the audience and runs into the real Jen Carfagno ] Hey! It's you! The Real Jen Carfagno: What can I say, I'm a big fan of your work. You were the only thing funny about "Along Came Polly". Philip Seymour Hoffman: Well, you know, it's all about the work. I had no idea you were a fan. I'm happy to meet you. The Real Jen Carfagno: I'd like to kick Amy Poehler's ass, but I'd rather get to know you better first. That No Sex policy is a joke. I'd love to be pregnant by you any day. Philip Seymour Hoffman: Yeah, that's nice. [ looks off-screen ] Security! [ Finesse Mitchell steps forward ] Finesse Mitchell: What's the problem, Phil? Philip Seymour Hoffman: Wait a minute, Finesse - this isn't a sketch. Finesse Mitchell: No, but this is what I do to keep busy when I'm not on-camera. Philip Seymour Hoffman: Oh. In that case, can you remove this young woman from the audience? Finesse Mitchell: Nothing I like doing better than removing groupies from the audience and keeping them for myself. Let's go, sweetie. [ tugs Jen by the waist and pulls her off-camera ] [ Hoffman walks off-camera in opposite direction ] [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
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