|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Emcee.....Chris Parnell Gary.....Dave Chappelle Security.....Seth Meyers Med Dude.....Fred Armisen Fly Guy.....Horatio Sanz Guy In Crowd.....Will Forte [Scene: Still shot of an Arena. Super 'Justanut Convention 2004'. Cut to internal shot. Use stock footage of a political rally in a stadium. Cut to a podium. Emcee stands at podium. You can see the backs of heads of some of the people listening below the stage.] Emcee: All right. Let's bring out our nominee for President...Mr. Gary Lineker. [Enter Gary wearing a t-shirt with a huge picture, of Garfield carrying a bazooka, on it. The caption reads 'Outta the way, Monday!] [Cut to audience cheering. Cut to Gary.] Gary: SHUTTUP! [Cheers stop.] Gary: Oh sorry. I thought that was just in my head. Okay...thank you, thank you. I am honored and I accept your nomination for President of the United States. When we started this party, people said we were crazy. Many of those people were competent, well-respected psychologists. But we showed them, didn't we? As our numbers grew, we showed them that we're not the only so called 'crazy' ones. One third of all Americans suffer from some sort of mental disorder. That is a huge voting block. It is time that our voice and/or voices are heard. [Cut to audience cheering. Cut to Gary.] Gary: When I first came to this country...from my home planet of Titannia..I saw a debate on tv. It was George Bush Sr., Bill Clinton and Ross Perot. When I heard George Bush talk, I couldn't understand what he was saying. A thousand points of light? Crazy. When I heard Clinton talk, I felt a little sick and vomited up a bit of cucumber I had eaten earlier that evening.. But when I heard Ross Perot talk, about how government officials were spying on his family and trying to stop his daughter's wedding...I said...yes, yes, this sounds like the America I believe in. I asked my friend, 'What party is he in?'. My friend said 'Who, him? He's just a nut'. That's when I turned to my friend and said, ‘Well I am justanut too!’. And I've been justanut every since.' But how do you know if you are justanut? Gary: If you think the government should issue free aluminum hats to the public, in order to stop illegal brain wave stealing...you're justanut. [Cheers.] Gary: If you think that stopping a marathon runner during the Olympics is a good way to get your message across....you're justanut. [Cheers.] Gary: If you watch and enjoy Madtv...you're justanut. [Cheers.] [Shot pulls out to reveal audience near stage.] Med Dude: But…I hate madtv. [Enter Security. Security roughs up Med Dude.] Security: (to everyone around) I found some meds. Gary: How could you? We're anti-drug. Med Dude: I need those...to keep in touch with reality. Security: Yeah, tell it to the pink elephants in lock up. Med Dude: Look...seriously you guys...this whole third party idea will never work... Security: (to the audience) Don't listen to him, he's high on...(reads label. Shakes his head) lithium. Let's go, fly boy. [Fly Guy, who was standing next to Med Dude, starts walking out, rubbing his hands together like a fly.] Security: (to Fly Guy) Not you. Fly Guy: Sorry. Bzzz. Bzzz. [Security walks offscreen with Med Dude. Shot pulls in tighter on Gary.] Gary: All right. Now, what are our plans for America? Well, once we get the White House...the first thing we'll do is turn our attention to something that's been invading our lives for far too long now. And that's terror. First on our hit list…spiders. Once they have been eliminated we'll turn our attention to bats. Then, we'll move on to snakes Then we'll move on to earwigs. Yes, gone are the days of having to stuff cotton in our ears to prevent those little beggars from burrowing into our brains. [Cheers] Gary: (nodding seriously) And yes men, we will get rid of the cockroach too. [Cut to audience cheering. Cut back to Gary.] Gary: But we won't stop there in our war against terror. Oh no. Planes. Why must we live in constant fear of them? We mustn't! We will eliminate the need for flight by melting down all the planes to create a bridge across the Bering Strait. [Cheers] Gary: And we will call it Sally. [Cut to audience cheering. Cut back to Gary.] Gary: Sally. [Cheers.] Gary: Sally. [Cheers] Gary: Sa...lly. [Cheers.] Gary: (long pause) Sally. [Cheers.] Gary: (takes out a deck of cards. Sets up a game of Solitaire. Looks at crowd.) Sally. [Cut to audience cheering. Cut back to Gary but a wider shot so we can see a bit of the audience again.] Guy In Crowd: What if we want to go to Australia? [Security comes into scene and beats the crap out of GuyInCrowd. Tighter shot on Gary.] Gary: Sally. [Crowd cheers. Crowd chants 'Gary, Gary, Gary'. Their enthusiasm seems unbridled.] Gary: So, the long campaign trail begins. First stop...New Hampshire. "Not only are we going to New Hampshire ... we're going to South Carolina and Oklahoma and Arizona and North Dakota and New Mexico, and we're going to California and Texas and New York! And we're going to South Dakota and Oregon and Washington and Michigan. And then we're going to Washington, D.C. to take back the White House, (with total craziness in voice) Yeeeeeaaaaaah!" [Crowd is silent. Stuff in quotes is from Howard Dean's crazy rant.] Gary: Uh...didn't you guys catch that? What's going on... [Cut to audience not doing anything. Cut back to Gary. Emcee enters and gets his attention.] Emcee: Uh...I...I think u went too far. Gary: What? Emcee: I...I think you scared them. Gary: What are you talking about? [Cut to shot of empty arena. Cut back to Gary.] Gary: What the hell? [Emcee is now gone as well.] Gary: Damn. I guess it's back to work at Nasa. (exiting stage)We're going to Mars...and Saturn and then we're going to Pluto... [Fade Out] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
