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Stephen Motts.....Darrell Hammond Tess Eaton.....Tina Fey Sandy.....Amy Poehler Waiter.....Will Forte Joseph Momma.....Seth Meyers [ int. Restaurant – Evening ] [ Stephen Motts and Tess Eaton, out on a date, are being seated in a semi-formal restaurant ] Stephen: Not the greatest seat in the house, but looks like we’ll have to settle for it. After you [ offers chair to Tess ] Tess: Thanks. I’m so glad Mary set this up between us, sometimes I just feel like a wicker cornucopia before any vegetables are shoved in it… well, not that lonely, maybe with one or two. Like a single carrot or something. Anyway, so Mary tells me you work on a sports network. Stephen: [ sitting ] Yes, actually I do a lot of the post-game interviews. It’s quite an enjoyable career; the pay is spectacular and I meet a lot of famous people. Now tell me Tess, which impresses you most, the money or the prestige? Tess: Oh, I don’t know… [ sighs ] I’m just looking for the man that knows when to be my friend, and when to be a little bit more than that [ giggles ] Stephen: You’re funny. Do you find that helps you out when dating, or are men sometimes intimidated by it? Tess: I’m not really sure I want to talk about my past relationships yet; we haven’t even ordered. [ Sandy, fairly dolled up, enters, brightens at seeing Stephen and then darkens at seeing Tess ] Sandy: I thought we had a date tonight. Stephen: You took too long getting here. I can’t deal with people like you; I only want to talk to the winners. Sandy: What? Stephen: Try again next year Sandy. [ Sandy slinks off ] Tess: Why would you do that, Stephen? You know Sandy and I work together. Stephen: Clearly you’re performing better than her tonight; why should you be concerned. You stole the show from Sandy at getting ready quickly. Some would say you might have had better luck hailing a taxi or you were just feeling it tonight, but I think what it really boils down to is training… you’ve been spending your whole life training to go out with men like me and so when your shot at the big show comes, you’re not going to fall apart on the fundamentals. That’s just pure dedication right there. [ Waiter approaches ] Waiter: Welcome to [ bad French accent ] Le Porter House, I’ve brought you a bottle of our famous merlot to start. [ displays, then fumbles bottle while attempting to pull out a corkscrew ] I’m awfully sorry about this, I’ll go get you a fresh bottle… [ exits with dopey grin ] Tess: I’ll be wearing my catcher’s mitt when he comes back! Stephen: Hahah, you’re very funny. [ sobers ] It’s obvious he just got moved up. If he doesn’t start bringing his A-game in a week, they’ll be sending him back to the kitchen. Tess: Probably. Stephen: Tess, there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you. You look great, but somehow, I just expected better. Tess: Oh no, it’s something in my teeth again. Stephen: No, it’s not that. You see, I was raised with a Farrah Fawcett poster on my wall. Invariably, all women I meet are compared to her. Somehow, you’re just not cutting it. Where do you think you went wrong? Tess: Um, I’m sorry? Stephen: Individually, everything works – the make-up, the hair, the dress, the ass. But it just doesn’t seem like things are coming together. Do you think this is from a lack of communication? Tess: What do you mean? Stephen: It’s just, when I see an ass as great as yours – let me say, it really is fantastic – but it just feels like you’re not putting it to full use. Situations like this generally point to problems in the management. As owner, what do you have to say about that? Tess: Owner? This is me you’re talking about! Stephen: Sure, you could try getting a new nose, but that won’t really solve the problem. You can keep relying on calling in that long relief bra to make it through the night, but that can only temporarily halt the signs of fatigue and overall droopiness. Perhaps you’re trying for too much too late in your career. Tess: That’s it! I will not be treated like this! I’m leaving! [ stands ] Stephen: Hmm. This will surely be a disappointment for me, as I know that there was definitely a hope of sexual relations tonight, or at the very least some heavy petting. But what’s occurring is not that at all; it’s like I’ve just put on my suit for the very first time. What do you have to say about this shocking disappointment? Tess: All I have to say to you is… Live from Yew Nork… I mean, New York, the show is in New York… [ dejected ] screw it, just start the show. [ music and montage begin ] V/O: It’s Saturday Night Live! [ cut to backstage as music fades in background ] [ Tina is walking off the stage, a little emotional, when she is approached by reporter Joseph Momma ] Joseph: Hi, I’m Joseph Momma, and I’m here with Tina Fey who just finished opening the show for the season premiere. [ Tina waves hi to the camera ] Joseph: You’re not usually in sketches, but after Maya pulled her groin muscle in the Nudist Nixon rehearsal, you were called in to replace her. There was a lot of pressure on you to get the final line right, did you feel it? Tina: Yeah, you know I’d really rather not… Joseph: And then you just felt apart utterly, couldn’t even manage to scrape together the pieces to squeak out with even a moral victory. That sure must make you feel worthless. Tina: ..Umm, is it my turn to talk? That wasn’t even a question that was just an insult. Joseph: Indeed it was, and such a low blow too. How does it feel to be criticized by someone as talentless as Joe Momma? Tina: That’s it, I gotta set the record straight here. I deserve to be here as much as anyone else, and to prove it, "Live from New York, It’s Saturday Night!" Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
