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Regis Philbin... Ben Affleck Donald Trump... Darrell Hammond Dave Chappelle... Finesse Mitchell Marc Cuban... Rob Riggle ...Darrell Hammond (video) (Open with an exterior shot of the brightly lit skyline of New York in the evening. Lively music plays, and the Friar's logo appears in the center of the screen) Announcer (VO): Welcome back to the New York Friar's Club Roast of Donald Trump. Once again, our Master of Ceremonies for the evening, Regis Philbin! (Dissolve to the ballroom of the New York Hilton, where the Roast is being held. Stock footage of an applauding audience is shown, before centering in on the dais, where a slew of celebrities are present. Regis Philbin, the roastmaster of the evening, stands behind a podium with the Friar's logo, while Donald Trump sits and relaxes in a chair to the left of the podium.) Regis Philbin: (energetically shouting) Oh, let me tell you all, the times I've had with my man Donald here, wouldn't trade 'em for the world. I'd do anything for the guy. (Trump nods in aggrement.) We love each other like brothers, which would be really nasty if we lived in Tennessee. (Laughter from the audience) But I gotta tell you, this man is just incredible, love the guy! You remember what I treated ya to on your 54th birthday, Donny? Donald Trump: (emotionless) Oh, that was a night I'll never forget, Reege. (Waves his finger at Philbin.) Regis Philbin: Ya got that right, what a night that was! The Trumpmeister had just hit the big five-four, and I thought "what better way to celebrate this momentous occasion than with a cheap slut?!" So we head up to the penthouse suite at the Taj Mahal, a couple of minutes later the girl I called comes in, trashiest whore you ever saw... Donald Trump: I don't take 'em any other way. The sluttier, the better. Regis Philbin: Eh heh heh, you have refined tastes, my man. So this huge bag of skank saunters into the room, and Don's got his pants off in two seconds flat. This was a big moment for me; I've known the man for years, but this was the first time I ever got a look at his package. And let me just say to all you late-night hosts who make fun of his hair, I saw what the man looks like down below, and that comb-over's genetic! (eruption of laughter). So Don and I cut to the chase, tell the girl to get started; and I guess Donald was a little too enthusiastic about it. She was just getting ready to take her bra off, but the Trump man's excitement got the best of him... well, he shot his wad all over her face! (incredible burst of laughter) Donald Trump: Regis, you know that I'm a man of action. Whatever I'm involved in, business or pleasure, I want to get the job done as quickly as possible. Things may get a little messy, but it's all worth it if I'm satisfied when the job is done. Regis Philbin: (nearly cracking up) And from what I saw, you certainly were satisfied! Oh, I learned something else impressive that night - Donald's junk is platinum! (more laughter) Donald Trump: (chuckling lightly) Shimmering and sticky, Reege. That's what a steady diet of fine foods gets you. Regis Philbin: Oh, it was quite a sight. The only problem was the tramp didn't appreciate the Trump's special sauce. She looks at me, murder in her eyes... at least it looked like murder, it could've been Don's man juice. (begins cracking up). She starts screaming at the top of her lungs, "I can't believe you put me up to this! This was the most disgusting display I've ever seen in my live! I never want to see you or your perverted friend again!" Well, I came right back at her and said right to her platinum-streaked face, "Well, I'm sorry to see you go. I really enjoyed the years we worked together, Kathie Lee!" (The audience and dais is in an uproar now, even Trump is in hysterics.) Regis Philbin: (calming down) All right, let's keep things rolling! Our next esteemed speaker has been named the funniest man in America, and his hilarious cable specials and Comedy Central program verify his status. As far as black comics go, this man has more comedic genius in one nut than Scoey Mitchell and Nipsey Russel combined. (Laughter from the audience, Philbin looks around in delight.) I tell ya, it's wonderful knowing that tonight that little blonde amphetamine isn't gonna tell me she doesn't know who I'm talking about! Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mr. David Chappelle! (Dave Chappelle takes center stage behind the podium to a roar of clapping and cheers.) Dave Chappelle: Hello, America! And good evening. How are you, this evening Donald? Are you good? Donald, let me ask you something, are you "The Donald" or is that what the ladies call your pener? (everyone breaks into raucous laughter) Regis Philbin: (cracking up) That's amazing...he said what we've all been thinking! Dave Chappelle: That's my one and only penis joke. Thank you. Now as I look out into the audience, I realize that the only other black guy in the room is the bus boy in the back of the room. Keep hope alive, brother! Folks, can I ask you all a question? Why are honoring Donald Trump. Why does the Friars Club have to continuously honor more and more old white guys? Have you ever seen the Friars Club honor a guy like Bill Cosby or Rick James or...gee, I don't know...R. Kelly! I say let the Friars Club honor R. Kelly because he pissed on his goddaughter! That takes some brass black man's balls! (eruption of applause) But before I leave you this evening, I just want to do a little role-play here. This is Lil' Jon if he was on "The Apprentice" and you were about to fire him. (Chappelle as Lil' Jon) Hello, Mr. Trump, you wanted to fire me! Donald Trump: That's right. You're...fired! Dave Chappelle: WHAT? Donald Trump: You're fired! Dave Chappelle: OKAY! (Chappelle ends his "Lil' Jon" routine) Thank you, Donald. And I hope you'll be here for a long time to come so you can fire more people. (Chappelle leaves the podium, the audience and dais clap loudly.) Regis Philbin: That was Dave Chappelle. I just realized...I'm shouting! Dave says stuff that we all think but never say, because we're afraid. I'm shouting! Now, I suppose you've all heard that Donald's casinos have been having a little money troubles lately, and that's true, but no need to worry about the man! Donald here is a financial wizard, he'll have his businesses back in the black in no time. Trust me, we'll know he's in trouble when we see him sitting at the blackjack tables with the chain smokers! (outbursts of laughter) Donald Trump: (emotionless) I'm in great shape everyone, no need to worry about me. As long as I still qualify for Bush's tax cut, I'm golden. Regis Philbin: All right now, you’re gonna love our next roaster; he owns a sports team, he’s been called one lucky bastard, and he's the centerpiece of ABC's new series "The Benefactor," a program that's a beautiful homage to the show pioneered by our Man of the Evening. And of course, we at the Friar's know from experience with Milton Berle that "homage" is the politically correct term for RIPOFF! (bursts into laughter) Ladies and Gentlemen, Mark Cuban. (Mark Cuban runs out onto the stage. He’s got an insane grin on his face. He’s dressed in a Mavs' jersey and a pair of jeans) Mark Cuban: (energetic and ecstatic) Hey, guess what. I’m not even a comedian, but you know what. I’m Mark Cuban, and I’m a lucky son of a bitch! I started an internet company from the bottom up and look where I ended up. A happy go lucky Mavs' fan. Hey everyone, GO MAVS! YEAH!(He starts to get excited and runs up right next to Donald’s chair. Don is not amused at all. He’s got that weird lip glare that he does, on Cuban) Hey Donnie baby, guess what.? Go MAVS! YEAH! Donald Trump: (somewhat cold) I don’t see any roasting, all I see is a flamboyant, crazed ATM machine. Mark Cuban: (surprised) What?! Donald Trump: (matter-of-factly) You heard me, all you do is give away money like nobody's business. Pretty soon we’ll be seeing you on the “E True Hollywood Story”. Mark Cuban: (still annoyingly happy) You know what Don, I’m not gonna get mad. Haha, I’m Mark Cuban, GO MAVS! I’m so much better than you. Look at you, you're so oppressed and angry all the time. Do we ever see you in a pair of jeans? Look at that face, your lips and eyes squeezed so tightly, is any oxygen reaching your brain? I thought that this attitude came from your money. But guess what, I did some research, and it turns out you were just as sad as a kid. (Cut to a still shot with a kid with the trademark Donald hair. He also has his lip glare and eyes squinting look. He is standing in front of a sign reading "Trump Lemonade") Donald Trump: (sarcastic) Hah, that’s so sad. I was doing great as a kid. At least I never had to sell garbage bags. Mark Cuban: Haha, I’m gonna let that go also. I’m Mark Cuban, and I never get upset, I look so much younger than Donald Trump. Haha, GO MAVS, YEAH! (He starts running around the stage and he rips off his Mavs Jersey. He has a painted chest with the words" THE BENEFACTOR: MONDAYS ON ABC" on it. He his stomach is pudgy and he’s got man boobies) GO MAVS! Watch the Benefactor, and remember I’m a lucky, young and handsome son of a bitch. HA, YEAH, WOO! Donald Trump: Hey, Cuban, nice man boobs. Mark Cuban: I’m Mark Cuban, I’m the luckiest man on earth Donald. I don’t need a woman. Whenever I wanna suck on some tits, I can use my own. I’m so lucky, I got easy access. WOO! Ooops almost forgot my Botox! (Cuban grabs a syringe from his pocket and injects himself, his grin tightens up. He starts running in circles again and then stage dives into the crowd, only to crash land on a table. He runs off into the audience. The camera pans around to Regis back on stage.) Regis Philbin: (energetically) Hey, wow, I’m yelling so much it’s insane. MAN BOOBS Trump. Wow, what a night! Hey Donnie, Mark brings up a good point about your first business, "Trump Lemonade." I just want you to watch this. (On a large screen set up on the wall behind the podium, a still shot of young Trump taking a piss into the lemonade pitcher and he’s got that same look on his face. A series of stills is shown in slideshow format which shows him taking the pitcher and pouring it into cups on a wooden stand with the sign above it reading... TRUMP LEMONADE) (Cut back to the Roast; the audience is stunned and shocked. There are a couple of giggles in the back. Donald Trump is chuckling at his youthful mischief. The silence continues for a minute and then Regis speaks) Regis Philbin: (ready to crack up) I guess you could say that’s some all natural Trump Lemonade! (Audience bursts out laughing, then it dies down) Now, to end the celebration...we have a great impressionist to roast you one last time. Sadly, he could not be here in person, so he sent along a tape. From Saturday Night Live, here is Darrell Hammond! (A Video tape of Darrell Hammond roasting Donald appears on the wall screen.) Darrell Hammond: (in a nasally Regis voice) Hello, Donald, Regis. Hello, everyone. It's an honor to be able to roast my good friend Donald Trump. This is such a wild and exciting night. (back to his normal voice) That was for you Regis, thanks for tapping me to join in this celebration. I'm sorry that I'm not here in person to be with the man of the hour, but it's okay. Either way, I'm getting more air-time here than I did in the last three months of last season's Saturday Night Live. (chuckles from the audience) I mean, you've seen how they trimmed my characters down. (shifts to a Trump voice) I may not know much about business, but I do know that you don't cut back on your best product if you want the people to keep buying it. (some laughter from Trump; Darrell retruns to his normal vocal inflection) I learned that from you, Donny. Again, sorry for my absence, but I've too busy working hard on my John Kerry. This probably isn't the best excuse, but come on, I gotta do something if I want to get cast in more sketches. Speaking of John Kerry, Donald, don't you think they could have gotten some bigger names to come and roast you? Here is what John Kerry would say if he was there with you tonight... (Does an impression of John Kerry roasting Donald) I'm John Kerry and I want to be your president! Donald, firing people is bad, no, it's good. No.it's bad. Outsourcing is bad for the economy! Thank you. Al Gore... (Does an impression of Al Gore roasting Donald) Good evening, I'm the former Vice President of the United States, Al Gore. I'd just like to say, Donald...Tipper and I love your show, but I think you need to loosen up a little bit. So, try this. It's called prune juice. And it will clean you out, real well. Is the train not leaving the station? Try prune juice. Doctor recommended. What about Vladmir Putin? What would he… (Technical problems occur, tape runs out. The audience cheers Darrell's impersonations) Regis Philblin: That was Darrell Hammond! What a shame it cut out so early. Darrell, if you're watching this wherever you are, thanks for caring, and let's hope that this year, Lorne will have the decency to put you in more sketches. Of course to get him to do that, you may have to change your name to Jimmy or Horatio! (wild applause) And now, with the last laugh of the evening is…the man of the hour, Donald Trump. (Donald Trump stands up to massive applause. He shakes Regis' hand, hugs him lightly, and takes a crystal friar statue from the master of ceremonies. Donald stands behind the podium, while Regis steps to the left of him.) Donald Trump: Thank you. All of you for honoring me, this evening. But, I am the one who gets the last laugh, because here is the moment you've all been waiting for... (Proceeds to point around the room) You’re fired! You’re fired! You’re fired! You’re fired! You’re fired! You’re fired! You’re fired! You’re fired! You’re fired! You’re fired! You’re fired! This line's never gonna get old; I'm making money every time I say it, not to mention it gives me a huge chubby. Regis Philbin: (shouting) Be careful where you point that thing, Donny, we don't want our severance pacakges to be silver makeovers! (The audience is in another uproar as Donald Trump continues to throw out his trademark catchphrase) Announcer (VO): This concludes tonight’s Friar's roast. Thank you for joining us! Donald Trump: You’re fired! You’re fired! You’re fired! You’re fired! You’re fired! You’re fired! (turns to the camera) Tune in to the new season of the Apprentice, only on NBC! And come to my casinos in Atlantic City... just don't win anything! (turns back to the celebrities) You're fired! You're fir... (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
