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Bobby.....Seth Meyers Principal.....Darrell Hammond Harvey.....Horatio Sanz Cindy.....Amy Poehler Joey.....Kenan Thompson Mr. Barker.....Ben Affleck (The scene opens up on a typical kindergarten class with little kids playing and acting up. The principal then walks into the class and quiets them down.) Principal: Okay kids calm down calm down. Now unfortunately Mrs. Harris has a “different” lifestyle now and wont be returning to class. Kids: Aww! Principal: I am sorry kids but we can’t allow teachers like that here in Arkansas. Now don’t worry we have a new teacher fresh out of college and you're going to respect him. Okay Mr. Barker come on in. (Mr. Barker walks into the classroom unshaven and filthy wearing a raggedy green t-shirt and jeans.) Principal: Okay if you have any problems just come and see me Barker. Barker: (cheerfully) Sure thing Boss. Principal: Okay then. (The principal leaves the classroom. The kids start to act rowdy again.) Barker: Okay you little brats sit down and shut your pie holes. (The kids just stare at Mr. Barker) Barker: Now! (The kids sit down.) Barker: Alright you little oompa loompas here’s the deal. Now it's my first day here and the man could be coming back any second to see if I am enriching your lives so we have to pretend like we’re doing something. So we are going to go around the room and introduce ourselves to one another. Now don’t talk too loud I am still getting over from a hangover. Uh you blondie why don’t you start this timewaster. (Cindy stands up.) Cindy: Hi, I am Cindy I am six years old I just love the Powerpuff Girls and last summer I went horseyback riding at my uncle’s farm and it was really really cool. Barker: Well that’s just swell Cindy I was just so frickin enraptured by your little story. I never had a farm to go to when I was six, you want to know what I had, do you Cindy? DO YA! Cindy: I am scared Mr. Barker. Barker: So was I, Cindy. The horsey I got to ride on was outside of Jim’s quick stop. On a good week, on a good week mind you my mommy would give me a roll of quarters to ride on it during the night. I later found that mommy was turning tricks at the nearby back alley. My horsey never went anywhere Cindy it just kept rocking back and forth jiggling in the same place just like my Mom on a working night. Bobby: Was your mommy a magician? Barker: No she wasn’t a magician, ugh do you guys know who Oscar the grouch is? Kids: Yeah! Barker: Well good now you know where my Mommy lives. Alright now you the nerdy one, move your mouth and make some half-conceivable words come out. Bobby: Well my name is Bobby and I am 7 years old and I- Barker: (interrupting) Wait a second, you're 7? What did they do, hold you back from kindergarten? Bobby: No I just- Barker: Don’t strain yourself Bobby, look kids its time I told you the truth about life, none of you will be astronauts, none of you will be princesses, and none of you will be reach a financial status above lower middle class, face it you're public school kids. You will not thrive, the only thing you can do is SURVIVE! and then maybe, just maybe, you’ll get a little bit of tail in the process. Just remember these 3 rules of living: never stop at an accident, get a pre-nup, and always take the salary instead of box office gross. Okay now you repeat it. (The kids stare vacantly at Mr. Barker.) Barker: I said REPEAT IT! Kids: Never stop at an accident, get a pre-nup, always take- (The kids can’t remember what they were talking about and begin to ramble off.) Barker: Okay, okay that’s enough. Let’s get this train wreck moving on, alright you the heffalump start yammering. Harvey: Well my name is Harvey and I had a really sad weekend because our dog Shadow passed away, I’ve never had anything die on me before- Barker: You think you have it so hard Harvey you don’t know anything, you know absolutely nothing, let me tell you about Nam Harvey that will make you sad. I remember it was 63’ and I had just gotten out of college, some jackass recruiter told me I should join the army and I actually listened to the SOB. It was horrible; Charlie was everywhere he came in from the left, the right, then the left again. He wiped out my entire platoon with a sub machine gun on a gook chopper. I tried to save some of them but they had shot me, they shot me in my left testicle. I remember when the med units pulled me away I was screaming, “Bubba, we gotta go back for Bubba” I was in rehab for 5 years after that. Some nights I wake up in a cold sweat like I am still behind enemy lines. No kids it was not a Good Morning Vietnam! (Mr. Barker stares vacantly into the air; one of the children raises their hands Barker: Yeah Cindy what? Cindy: You’re not old enough to have been in Vietnam. Barker: No but my Dad was and he never shuts up about it, anything else? Okay you in the back Joey: You crazy white boy! Barker: Yeah alright that’s enough out of you South side. Alright I think that’s enough chit chat for now, my Wal-mart shift starts at 3 and I have to look like I give a damn so its nap time for the rest of the day. Kids: Aww! Barker: Shut up, just shut up! (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
