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.....Tina Fey .....Amy Poehler Rodney Dangerfield.....Darrell Hammond Paul Conner.....Chris Parnell Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Tina Fey. Amy Poehler: Good evening, I'm Amy Poehler. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories. While on the campaign trail, this week, Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry yelled at a fast food working, saying, “I’m John Kerry and I want to be your president!” The fast food working replied, “Thank you, Senator Kerry, but the question was, do you want fries with that?” In an interview this week, John Kerry said President Bush is too incompetent to be the President. Bush later commented, “Well, you know what, if I knew what that word meant, then maybe I’d have a catchy comeback…but I don’t!” At a rally this week, President Bush questioned John Kerry’s military record by saying, “If you’ve got 3 purple hearts, then let’s see them! I’ll show you mine if you show me yours!” Bush then retracted the comment after he realizing his military record was also under the political microscope. Amy Poehler: In a recent health study, doctors have found that obese children are already suffering from the early effects of artery. In related news, schools have now listed Lipo as an excused absence. Former pop singer Cat Stevens has officially been deported from the United States of America. A spokesman for the immigration department gave reasoning by saying, “Did you hear his last album?” John Travolta is set to pen his own biography. The working title for book, “Go see Ladder 49!” tina Fey: And now here with a brief comment, in a coma, from his hospital bed, is Rodney Dangerfield. (Cut to Rodney Dangerfield in a coma in his hospital bed) Rodney Dangerfield: Hello. If you would excuse me, I can’t talk right now…I’m in a coma! I can only talk from a conscious level…from my brain to a computer. It’s kind of like Steven Hawking. But anyways, I want to talk to you, America. I guess I’m not doing too well. I’m dying. But through it all…I wish I were getting some respect. I’m not! I’m hearing all these stories about me…how I’m in coma…stupid headlines like…”Danger for Dangerfield”. Like I haven’t heard that one in my fuckin’ existence! I am in a coma…I am wiser than I’ve ever been. So, in the closing moments of my living experience, I would just like to say…the meaning of life is… (Dramatic pause) The meaning of life is…much a do about nothing. Thank you. Now, fuckin’ respect me, damnit! (Cut back to the Update desk) Tina Fey: Rodney Dangerfield, in a coma. Amy Poehler: In science news, it is believed that Mount St. Helens could soon become active and explosive. Scientists realized this was a problem when the mountain spit out a Star Trek fan that was sacrificed to it. This past week, CBS was fined just over half a million dollars for Janet Jackson’s bare breast incident at the Super Bowl. A spokesman for CBS said, “Watch CBS…we’ve got more where that’s coming from!” Tina Fey: Breaking News here on Update...Zell Miller has lost his marbles, heard over the roar of his ego, Miller said, "The apocalypse with occur in a matter of minutes!" A poll this week shows that the American people are not informed about either of the candidates for President. This revelation could lead to the words we've dreaded for a long, long time...President Pauly Shore. An update on that breaking news story, Zell Miller's marbles have been found. So please, null void that apocalypse comment. Thank you. In an interview this week, Tony Blair said he would be going in the hopsital this weekend to correct a heart problem. Hey Tony, while the doctors have you under the knife, ask them to take Bush's cock out of your mouth.
In international news this week, Norway has won the world oyster opening championship finally defeating its rival, Sweden. The Norwegians finally got the oysters to open up by confronting them about their severe drinking problem. Tina Fey: Here now with a new feature on Weekend Update, “Jumpin’ Up On My Soapbox”, is Paul Conner. Paul Conner: Hello. My name is Paul Conner…and I going to go “jumpin’ up on my soapbox”! So, the summer is over! Anyone else notice we had too many damn hurricanes? But the hurricanes are not the reason for my ramble, this evening. My ramble is to discuss one thing! This seems to have been the summer of hostages and hooded kidnappers! Did you watch any of the coverage of these Iraqi kidnappers who took a bunch of different people hostage? They had that truck driver you they threatened to behead on television…that would have been better than anything in the new fall lineup on ABC. And what was with that Russian hostage crisis at that school in Moscow? What was going on there? Folks, here comes the anecdote! It must really be difficult to be a kidnapper terrorist. You had your fun during the summer with your hostage crisis thing. It’s fall, off season, so you’re hanging around at the bar with your friends, you’re like, (in a weak Iraqi accent) “Hey, guys…did you see me on the television? Did you see the hostage crisis? That was me…the guy with the gun!” And you’re friends are like, “Yeah, right, that was someone else!” You try to prove it to your friends, you put on a black hood and you threaten to kill everyone in the bar. And all your friends are just like…”Oh, Sama!” So my point is…being a hooded kidnapped terrorist isn’t easy to prove to your friends, but just image what kind of tail those guys get after hours? Think about it! I’m Paul Conner, and I’m jumping off my soapbox! Tina Fey: Paul Conner, everyone! Amy Poehler: In political news, President Bush’s hometown newspaper has decided to support Kerry in the upcoming Presidential election. Bush says that he isn’t too bothered by this, and has already gotten support from his friends in Riverdale: Archie, Jughead, Moose and Mr. Lodge. In an effort for food manufacturers to counter obesity among consumers, King-sized Mars and Snickers bars will be cut into two "shareable" portions beginning next year. Ah, who do they think they're kidding? Those fat bastards will probably just stuff both pieces in their mouthes at the same time, anyway. Tina Fey: In entertainment news, Tonight show host Jay Leno announced that Conan O’Brien will be taking over the Tonight Show in 2009. Conan’s excitement for this news was about the equal of a new parent who has the relief that they can legally kick their child to the curb by the time they're 18. In sports news, the famous Candlestick Park, home of the San Francisco Giants, has changed its name to “Monster Park”. This just in, folks: apparently “Monster Park’s” name has been changed to “Emotionally challenged creatures who shouldn’t be made a mockery of in public” park. This week, scientists have announced that they believe there may be a missing H-bomb off the Georgia coast. The H-bomb is expected to drift southward and finish off Florida once and for all. Amy Poehler: For Weekend Update, I'm Amy Poehler. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
