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Barry.....Rob Riggle Jennifer.....Amy Poehler Waitress.....Queen Latifah Pirate.....Will Forte [ open on Barry and Jennifer, a couple on their first date at a casual restaurant along a lake - night ] Barry: I'm so glad we discovered this restaurant. I really like the ambience. Jennifer: Yes, and I like how it's surrounded by a special, distinctive atmosphere. Barry: Hence, ambience, as I stated. Jennifer: Okay, then at least we are on the same page. Barry: You made an interesting selection, Jennifer. I've never dated anyone who ordered a vegetarian burger. Jennifer: It's very good. It's a lot like a regular burger. Except they leave the lettuce and pickle, and hold the meat. Barry: [ chuckles ] Hold the meat! That's great! That's really funny! Jennifer: It wasn't that funny, Barry. Barry: I thought it was very original. Jennifer: I guess you are being sincere. I use that joke on every date I go on, so I need to come up with some new material. You aren't offended by Polish jokes, are you? Barry: My late grandmother was Polish. But what the hell, I can't resist looking into your pretty brown eyes. Jennifer: They're blue. You're colorblind, but thank you, that's very sweet of you to say. [ the Waitress swarms in on the couple ] Waitress: And how are you folks doing? I hope everything is to your satisfaction this evening. Barry: The spaghetti is delicious, who cares if it's filled with carbs. Waitress: That's nice. [ turns to Jennifer ] And how's your salad burger? Jennifer: It's listed as a Garden Burger on your menu, but it's very good, thank you. It's delightful to find a restaurant that uses tofu in place of a meat patty. Waitress: I would have recommended shellfish, since we're so close to the lake. But to each his or her own. Will you be ordering coffee or dessert with your meal? Barry: That's very kind of you to ask, but we were planning to stroll along the lake after dinner, and stop off at a coffee shop somewhere down the way later in the evening. Waitress: Mmm-hmm. [ scribbles on pad ] In that case, I'll just leave your check. [ places pad on table ] Barry: Excellent. Very good. I'll take care of that right now. [ glances at the bill, then reaches in his wallet and drops his credit card on the table ] Waitress: What is that? Barry: It is a credit card. Portable, convenient, and accepted all over the world. Waitress: Yeah, well this ain't all over the world. Here, we only accept cash. Barry: [ stunned ] Cash, you say? By gosh, who carries cash in this day and age? People are pickpocketed for that sort of thing. Jennifer: No kidding. Why didn't you tell us this before we ordered? Waitress: There's a sign on the front door that says "Cash Only." Didn't you see it? Barry: Heavens, no. Who reads doors? I don't even stop to notice whether I'm supposed to push or pull the door in order to enter. I've fallen into the habit of just taking my chances and accepting the consequences if I chose incorrectly. Waitress: Well, looks like this is one of those times. Barry: I'm only carrying six dollars on me - in ones - so I would have something on hand for a tip. Jennifer: I have my checkbook with me, Barry. [ removes her checkbook from her purse ] How much is the bill? Barry: $14.32. Waitress: We don't accept checks, either. Jennifer: What do you mean, why not? Waitress: Do you know anybody who accepts personal checks? Jennifer: Yes. Everyone. Waitress: Not here. We've been burned too often by credit card fraud and check-bouncing. Cash only. We have an ATM over by the restroom. Jennifer: Barry? Barry: I don't have an ATM card. Jennifer: [ flabbergasted ] You don't have an ATM card? Barry: I stated that fact. Arguing the point will not put cash on the table. Waitress: Do you have an ATM card, Miss? Jennifer: Yes. Yes, I do. But I don't know my pin number. [ makes a panicked face ] Waitress: Well, you got some nerve knocking on him. Barry: Thank you. Waitress: And you're the fool who only carries six dollars in cash in his wallet! Barry: I will be more than happy to give you all six dollars for a tip if you'll let us out of here with a little dignity. I'll go to the bank in the morning, and come back to square my tab with you. Waitress: We don't allow tabs at this restaurant. Perhaps if you left something as collateral. Barry: [ bewildered ] I don't carry cash, yet you think I'm walking around with collateral on me?! Jennifer: Look, is it okay if I go the drugstore next door and cash a check there? Waitress: You're not planning on abandoning your boyfriend, are you? Jennifer: He drove us here. Waitress: We could accept your keys as collateral. Barry: I'm afraid you wouldn't find that satisfactory. You see, I left my apartment in a hurry this evening, so I'm only carrying the spare keys with me. Waitress: What's the difference? Keys are keys! Barry: I beg to differ. The real keys are on a state-of-the-art key ring, the kind that whistles when you press the button so you always know where your keys are. You would be highly impressed by the genius of such a devise. But these keys are worthless. The key ring is made of rubber, and doesn't make for a very flattering bulge in one's pockets. Jennifer: Look, I'll just go to the drugstore next door and cash a check. It doesn't have to be a big deal. I'll be back in less than three minutes - time me, if you have to. [ Jennifer exits the restaurant; Barry and the Waitress experience an awkward moment of silence in her absence ] Barry: How long have you worked here? Waitress: [ impatiently ] Six months. Barry: [ awkwardly ] Ever get any celebrities? Waitress: Once. Tony Danza. He wanted to make change for a parking meter. He didn't even order any food - and he had cash! Barry: You would make a respected actor like Tony Danza pay in cash. Waitress: He can't live off his "Taxi" royalties forever. [ Jennifer re-enters the restaurant, chewing gum ] Jennifer: Okay, here we go. I bought a pack of gum, and wrote a check for ten dollars over the amount. [ hands Waitress the ten-dollar bill ] Here's your ten - Barry? Barry: And here's my original six. [ hands Waitress the six dollars ] And you get to keep the excess. Waitress: $1.68 for a tip? After all you put me through? Why, you cheap little -- Jennifer: We gave you all the cash we have! According to law, we're now homeless! Barry: Vagrants, even. Jennifer: Barry, I made the point! Let's go. Barry: [ to Waitress ] Toodle-oo. [ Waitres starts to pick up after the table, then leaves it as a Pirate enters the restaurant ] Pirate: Aaaaarrrr! Shiver me timbers, matey! I am a world-weary pirate who has just dropped anchor in your sleepy little lagoon. I beseech your kindness for a bite to eat before I return to the sea! Waitress: [ suspicious ] You carrying cash, or you think you're gonna use a credit card? Pirate: I carry neither cash nor credit cards. If not on your kindness alone, I have a pocketful of solid gold doubloons with which to barter your services! [ places solid gold doubloon onto the table ] [ Waitress curiously picks up the solid gold doubloon to examine it more closely. She peels away at a gold wrapping to reveal a chocolate candy. ] Waitress: Hey, wait a minute! This isn't a solid gold doubloon, it's a Reese's peanut butter cup! [ the Pirate darts his head back and forth, seizes a piece of leftover bread on another table, raises his sword and sprints out of the restaurant screaming: ] Pirate: Avast, ye scurvy lubbers! Run like the wind! [ the Waitress quickly runs after him, as other diners look up curiously ] [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
