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.....Lorne Michaels .....Tina Fey Ben Affleck.....Matt Damon (special guest) .....Queen Latifah Himself/Future Self.....Rob Riggle Himself/Future Self.....Horatio Sanz Future Michael Ian Black.....Fred Armisen Rusty Beats.....Kenan Thompson (Open to the SNL offices. Lorne and Tina are sitting at a desk. Lorne has this weird look on his face, Tina is looking through some computer print outs.) Tina Fey: Well the reviews are in! Critics are calling it "Good work has a whole new meaning!" Lorne: What the hell do they want! I thought bumping Fred Armisen up to a full player would do some justice Tina: Personally I hate that new opening montage. It looks like some weird collage from the 80's. Lorne: I don’t like how the Weekend Update went. I mean come on, Amy was just laughing and speaking such an awkward way. Tina: Oh she was just nervous for her first show. At least she doesn’t laugh like Jimmy Lorne: I think that Jimmy messing up his lines added to the comedy. But why didn’t we consider other players. What about Fred or Will Forte, or Kenan or Finesse. Tina: Jeez, were Kenan and Finesse even in the show? Lorne: No I didn’t notice them. But we have to agree that Rob Riggle was great for his first show. He probably is getting a lot of respect right now. Tina: Yeah, right. He’ll get some respect when he comes back with my bagel. But seriously I think Ben was a great host and I think we should have him back sometime. (Suddenly Ben Affleck pops through the door the office. He’s got an giddy look on his face.) Ben Affleck: Heeyyy! Everyone, I know I did great, can I host sometime next month! Ben: But why, I’m great, you wanna do that hip-hop DJ again. Yo, yo, yo, yizzout my dizzogs. Fo’ Sheezy. (Tina and Lorne look at him with a weird look. Lorne whispers to Tina.) Lorne: He’s not hosting for a long time, you saw him at the after-party, he went insane. Now we have to get him out of here! There’s a show going on right now! Ben: But- Lorne?: Queen Latifah! Would you please show Ben out of Studio 8-H? (Queen Latifah comes barging in. She hoists Affleck into the air.) Queen: Yo Lorne, I can get him outta here in a minute. (She holds him for a minute) Ooh you light man Mr. AF-LAC. Jimmy Fallon’s heavier than you, and he’s a feather-weight! (Lorne and Tina crack up at Latifah’s joke of Jimmy being a "feather-weight". Latifah walks away with Ben in her arms.) Lorne: I don’t know Tina, I just hate how the show is being reviewed. Even though it’s not my fault, I still look bad every time the show does. You know I had a chance to sell all of my production rights back in the late eighties, I would be rich and I wouldn’t have to worry how bad the show would have gotten. Tina: You’re not thinking about using that mystical chant you found, to go back in time and changing what happened. Lorne: Oh no, I won’t go back in time. We have to send someone useless, someone who wouldn’t be missed if something went wrong. (They think for a minute) Tina and Lorne: (In unison) Ben Affleck! (Ben runs back into the office) Ben: You rang! Lorne: I’m not even going to ask how you got away from Latifah. I have a proposition for you. I want you to go back in time to 1987 and tell Lorne of the past to take up that offer for giving up his rights. Ben: Aah, the wonders of time traveling, I would love to do it Lorne. But I ask that you let me host again, because I must make it to the 5 timers club. Lorne: Okay fine, now here is the chant. Please recite it. Ben: Tora Bora, Nora, and Flor- Lorne: No you end it with Sora. (Ben recites the phrase Tora Bora Nora and Sora, the lights flicker, and suddenly Affleck is gone. Lorne looks at his chant piece for minute) Lorne: Oh s**t! He was supposed to say Flora at the end. God knows where he is! (The screen fades out and then into a new scene with Ben lying on the ground in a back stage area. Techno music pots up and there is applause. Ben runs to the other side of the backstage area to see the futuristic setup of SNL. Some people are hovering around while some are walking on the ground. There is a huge group of midgets running around. A banner is hanging over the Home base with the words HAPPY 40th Season Premiere SNL!) Ben: 40th Season? What the hell! (The camera pans to Home base which is now just a silver platform. The band is replaced by a large sound system which rattles off some beats. It pans around to Ben who is confused. An older version of Rob Riggle walks up to Ben. He notices Rob.) Ben: Hey do you mind telling me what is going on. Rob: Puh! It’s the fricken season premiere of SNL’s 40th season. Jeez it’s just one big party. God why the hell am I still on the show. Ben: Hey, you're that Rob Riggle guy except older. If it’s the 40th season premiere, that means I went into the future, and I’m in the year 2014. Rob: So, you time traveled from 2004. Yeah that’s nothing to be proud of, it’s called overdosing on Cocaine. Ben: I’m Ben Affleck, god it’s 2014, I hope I’m still famous. Rob Riggle: Wait, Affleck, that name rings a bell. Your future self appeared on Fear Factor. Ben: Fear Factor is still on? Rob: There’s a lot of weird sh** in the future. You know, I remember you now. You hosted the show during my first performance. Ben: Oh you remember that episode. Wait a minute, I’m in the future. Who won the Presidential election of 2004! Rob Riggle: To be honest dude! I get drunk every night and I snort cocaine on weekends. I can’t even remember what I had for breakfast. All I want to do is leave the show, but I’m stuck in this stupid contract. If I didn’t have drugs to look forward to, I would kill myself right now. (A scantily clad lady walks by, causing Rob’s eyes to light up) Rob: Hey, what are your rates. Can we make a 15 minute session, come on! (He runs after her) (Suddenly an older Horatio stumbles into Ben and falls down) Ben: Horatio, what the hell are you doing, you still on the show. Horatio: No man, HAHAHA (he continues to laugh for minute). I’m just here for a cameo man. You know you look that dude who slept with another dude. Ben: I don’t know what you’re talking about. But I’m from the past, what has happened since 2004. Horatio: Man, I don’t even know where I live. But all I know is that this show man has f**ked up. Lorne’s not around anymore, and now there's a bunch of midgets who are on the cast. But it’s cool, we can do some great Ewok parodies. I just love that Star Wars show. Ben: So Rob’s the only normal cast member left. Horatio: Who’s Rob Riggle, oh you mean that guy? I always called him Ron Jeremy. There’s some black guy that was hired last year, and a couple years ago, Kattan came back but he died during the Sushi House Sketch. Ben: I’m sorry about that. Horatio: Hey, aren’t you that dude who ate the penis. (Looks off camera) Hey look a levitating Amish dude. (He walks off camera. Ben starts running away from all of the craziness. He runs into Lorne’s office. He kicks down the door to reveal an old office. Filled with cob-webs along with naked pictures of Chevy Chase. Lorne lays motionless on his desk. He has a long beard.) Ben: Oh god, Lorne is dead! No wonder show has become crap. (Suddenly an older version of Michael Ian Black walks into the office) Michael: Yes, the show has sucked it up, but now the MIB is here. Ben: The MIB? Michael: I’m Michael Ian Black, host of The Tonight Show and I made appearances in commercials for "Shirts in a Can". Ben: You’re that loser from "I Love the 80's". So you’re hosting the premiere! You know, I’m Ben Affleck. Michael: That was my early work. But, I helped SNL a lot, especially after Lorne’s coma in 2010. Jeff Richards came back for a while. I loved it, we spent the dress rehearsal having almonds and Grey Poupon. Then we made sweet man-love. I haven’t seen the impressionist since. (Michael goes off rambling about nonsense. He then proceeds to rip off his clothes revealing a leopard skin thong. He puts on a doo rag and proceeds to walk to the stage.) Michael: Who’s ready to host the show baby. Oh yeah! (Ben is just confused. He walks out of the office and notices a banjo playing. The camera pans around to a small area underneath the bleachers. A black guy is strumming away) Ben: Hey should you be playing underneath the bleachers? Rusty Beats: They won’t give the musical guest anywhere else to practice. Ben: You’re the musical guest! Rusty: Yup, the name’s Rusty Beats, a pioneer in African American country musicians. Ben: Country is popular! Rusty Beats: What century are you from! It all started with that Blue Collar TV thing, then, pretty soon, trailer Park fad was the new ghetto fad. Now everyone wants to be white trash. But hey, this is a great tune check it out. "I’m a black man in the south, got 40 ouncers and a ton friends, they wanna have me over for a meeting. They said that there will be white sheets and a whole bunch of burning T’s, but all I can think about is marrying my sister!" Ben: That was a piece of crap! (Ben runs backstage again. He is feeling weird at this point) What kind of future is this. It’s like my worst nightmare, well maybe not my worst. (He finds a newspaper on the floor and the camera focuses in on the headlines. MATT DAMON COMES OUT OF THE CLOSET; PLANNING TO MARRY BRAD PITT) Ben: No!!!!!!! Come on Matt. Come On! This is my worst nightmare now! (Suddenly a loud siren sounds all across Studio 8H. An intercom voice is heard) Voice: All right, it’s time for the show to begin. Get ready Bitches! (People start running frantically across the backstage area. Ben Affleck just stands there dumbfounded. The camera starts to view a lot of different things. First it pans around to show audience members hurriedly running into their seats. Then cut to Michael Ian Black doing jumping jacks in the green room, and his bulge bounces every time he jumps. Cut back to Ben Affleck. He’s got one horrid look on his face. Rusty Beat’s banjo music starts to play again. Suddenly the dressing room opens with Rob Riggle running out with blood on his shirt) Rob: Damn the prostitute’s dead! (Then cut to Horatio stumbling through the audience. He stops for a second and vomits on a man seated and then he falls over crushing some people. Cut back to Ben standing at Home base now and psychotic clown music pots up. He looks at that newspaper and he lets out a shout. He stops and looks at all that has happened in front of him.) Ben Affleck: AAAAAAAAHHHHHH! (Suddenly the screen starts to transition and fade out. It reveals Ben Affleck asleep on Home Base. He awakes suddenly and starts shouting. Lorne Michaels runs onto Home Base.) Lorne: Ben what happened. Are you alright. Where the hell did you go? (Ben looks at Lorne and then at the audience.) Ben: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! (Ben runs offstage screaming) Lorne: Hey wait, get back here. Queen Latifah, grab Mr. Affleck on your way to the stage! (Lorne walks off Home base and the screen fades to black) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
