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.....Queen Latifah .....Amy Poehler .....Rob Riggle .....Finesse Mitchell .....Horatio Sanz (Latifah comes onto the stage wearing a black suit. She warmly welcomes the crowd and acknowledges the amazing band.) Latifah: It is so great to be here! I been having a great time all week, the cast is wonderful. I've been so excited for this show; ever since I heard all the great stories about everybody when I was filming my new movie "Taxi" with Jimmy Fallon. (The audience applauds; one single man boos from the back.) Latifah: Jimmy told me about this great game the cast and host always play before the show to warm up and get to know each other; so I thought that we could play in front of all you guys and give you sort of a behind the scenes look without having to leave the stage. Sound good? (The audience applauds and Amy, Finesse, Horatio and Rob come on stage, cordially acknowledging the audience.) Amy: Okay, the way this works is basically it's like tag but it's called "Kip." It's a really old improv game that we play to get the energy up and all our aggressions out. Queen, we told you the rules backstage; you just kip when you can and don't get kapped back. Latifah: I'm ready to go. Rob: Band, if you please. (The band begins a ragtime-esque frantic song while Latifah and Amy begin slapping each other and Rob does somersaults around them, Finesse jumps over Rob as he somersaults and Horatio twirls zigzagged between everyone occasionally bumping into them. Everyone is shouting at the top of their lungs. He bumps into Amy and she falls.) Amy: (screaming) STOP! (The music cuts) Wait, this is all wrong. Latifah: What is it? Amy: You can't do that. Latifah: Do what? Amy: You can't kip on a kop. Horatio: Yeah, that's like kopping after a kep. Finesse: Which is the worst thing you could possibly do. Rob: And I was going to koop until you clearly kipped illegally. Latifah: I thought that was okay. Amy and Rob: NO!!! Latifah: I'm sorry. Rob: Let's start over. (The band begins the same song, Latifah and Rob begin leap frog and Amy becomes a mime in a box. Horatio and Finesse begin to duel with swords which they pick up off the floor near the bass guitarist. Everyone begins screaming as they did before. As Latifah leaps over Rob, he jumps up knocking her over and Horatio impales Finesse.) Rob: STOP! (Band abruptly stops) That's enough, that is enough. Amy: I can't believe you did that. Latifah: What'd I do? Horatio: Like you don't know! Amy: Pppfh! What'd you do? You klumped on a kuked koot after being koosed. Latifah: I what? Rob: You're a cheating kipper. Latifah: I am not. I don't even understand what you're talking about. Amy: I should have known; Jimmy was a kowd kitter kepper. Rob: You told me about that. (To Latifah) You should be ashamed of yourself. Amy: Do you know where kenned kapt kiggers go? To the after party with the interns. Latifah: I didn't know-. Horatio: Well, ignorance won't get this kit kud kib's kob back will it? (Pointing to Finesse) Latifah: Now wait just a minute, I may be a kop kirin koter but I saw you try that krand kwiba koota, Newbie. (Rob gasps.) Amy: Uh oh, looks like somebody's courtesy new guy Weekend Update commentary's getting cut. Latifah: And you, all this kido klop kluba – you kiss your mama with that mouth? (Amy hangs her head down in shame.) Latifah: And you (to Horatio) I don't like you. But look on the bright side - now that Finesse is dead, Rob, you don't have to do the salesman sketch. Rob: Alright! Latifah: And Amy, you won't have to feel bad when you tell him you'll talk to Tina about writing for him and then "forget" to do it. Amy: My heart breaks a little bit more every time. (Wipes away a tear.) Latifah: (Turning to the audience) And - well- now we have an opening for a black cast member. Finesse: (weakly) I'm not quite dead yet. Latifah: What? Finesse: I feel-better than expected; (pushing off of Horatio) in generally high spirits- happy (starting to stand up on his own). (Horatio smacks him up the backside of the head and Finesse falls back onto Horatio.) Horatio: Want me to take him out back? (Latifah nods and Amy, Rob and Horatio pick up Finesse and drag him off stage.) Latifah: Stupid game. Well, looks like we may or may not have an opening on the show but keep in mind I'll be here, so you might as well be here; stick around for a better show than this monologue! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
