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Charles Gibson.....Darrell Hammond President Bush.....Will Forte John Kerry.....Seth Meyers .....Ralph Nader Dennis Kraft.....Fred Armisen Tony Wilson.....Horatio Sanz Martha Gibson.....Rachel Dratch Announcer: Live from Washington University in St. Louis, Missouri, this is the second Presidential Debate. And now, here is your moderator Charles Gibson. Charles Gibson: Good evening. I’m Charles Gibson. Welcome to this, the second of three debates between the current President of the United States, George W. Bush, Senator from Massachusetts, John Kerry and former Consumer Advocate Ralph Nader. First lets meet the candidates. (Enter the 3 candidates via stage right; Kerry and Nader stand at either side of the stage) President Bush: Where’s my podium? I have all my notes in there! My cheat sheet, too! John Kerry: You are kidding right? You can’t be that stupid! America is in shambles! I’m John Kerry! Charles Gibson: Good evening, gentlemen. Tonight’s debate will follow a town meeting format. Many undecided voters are here in the audience and will ask questions. The questions will be asked in an open forum. If the question is directed at you, you will have first option to answer. Do all the candidates understand? President Bush: So let me get this straight…the Democratic Party stole my podium? Charles Gibson: Let’s begin. Our first question comes from Dennis Kraft from Kansas City, Missouri. Mr. Kraft? Dennis Kraft: Thank you. This question is for Ralph Nader. Mr. Nader, you have said through out your campaign that you support the removal of the current President. But it seems to me the best way for you to support the removal of the President would be for you to not run for President and follow all your campaigning power towards John Kerry. My question is, why haven’t you done this? Ralph Nader: Well, your question is good and it seems that to me that if you are an undecided voter, then you are better off not voting at all. It seems to me that you could do America well and prove that you have a voice and you are using your voice in way that you are not going to vote. Dennis Kraft: Thank you, Mr. Nader. I am not an undecided voter…I’m a protest voter who will shout from the mountaintops…”Seatbelts Can Save Your Life!” Charles Gibson: Okay. Thank you. (Takes a sip from his whiskey flask) President Bush: Hey! No one said we could drink! Where’s my sippy cup! Where’s my apple juice? Gosh darn it! Where’s my podium? I feel naked out here! Charles Gibson: Our next question comes from Tony Wilson from Springfield, Missouri. Tony Wilson: This question is for President Bush. If you had to pick the bigger evildoer, who would it be…Saddam Hussein or Osama bin Laden? President Bush: Tony, I’m glad you brought up the world’s evildoers, because there are many out in the world. I’ve realized something while on the trails…there are a lot of bad people in the world…because, let’s be honest…the Kennedy family is a family of boozers and at the same time, evil doers. And let me remind the American people…I caught the former dictator of Iraq, Saddam Hussein. Which also reminds me; buy my new book, “I caught Saddam Hussein…Hey John Kerry, what have you done for America lately?” Published by Random House. Charles Gibson: Mr. President, your time is up. Mr. Kerry, Mr. Nader, would either of you like to try and answer? John Kerry: I’d like to answer. If I had to pick between the both, I would have to exercise a write-in and cast a vote for President Bush. President Bush: What? John, you’re going to vote for me in November? You’re my new best friend! John Kerry: Shut up, Special Olympics! I would want President Bush and certain members of the Republican Party put on trial for their actions in removing the now-former dictator of Iraq. As for Osama bin Laden, you can never hate a guy who likes to live in a cave. That’s kinda cool, when you think about it. Oh and better I forget…I won 3 Purple Hearts in the Vietnam War! I’m John Kerry! Charles Gibson: Mr. Nader, would you like to comment? Ralph Nader: Yes, I would. Hitler did have some good ideas. Charles Gibson: (looks at Nader awkwardly) Thank you, I think. Our next question comes from Martha Gibson, a grandmother from right here in St. Louis. Martha Gibson: Hello. I’m 84 years old. I just have one question; does Ralph Nader want to go to the bathroom and screw? SEATBELTS RULE! Charles Gibson: Mom! That’s not the question you wrote on your index card!! Martha Gibson: Eegh! The question you wrote for me was boring. I had to spice it up! Charles Gibson: Fine. Mr. Nader, answer if you chose. Ralph Nader: This former consumer advocate would love to ravage your mother in the bathroom. (Ralph Nader & Martha Gibson runs off stage) Charles Gibson: Well, we’ve come to the close of tonight’s debate. Each candidate will now, speak into the camera and tell America’s undecided voters why they should vote from them. Mr. Kerry, please start. John Kerry: America, you should vote for me…for one and only one reason…America can not suffer another 4 years of that guy. (Camera pans to President Bush picking his nose) America must vote for the right person…and a vote for President Bush is vote for…for “people who like to dig for gold” if it was. Thank you. Charles Gibson: Thank you, Mr. Kerry. Mr. President? (Camera pans to President Bush who is still picking his nose) President Bush: Me? Sorry, I got one deep up there! John Kerry: Maybe you’re pushing the ‘piece’ deeper into your cavity when you penetrate your nostril with your finger. Did you ever think of that? President Bush: (Laughs) You just said…penetrate. Charles Gibson: I really hate the world. That will end tonight’s debate. I’m Charles Gibson. Good night. (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
