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.....Tina Fey .....Amy Poehler Dennis Miller/Jimmy Fallon.....Jimmy Fallon Vladakoff.....Fred Armisen Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Tina Fey. Amy Poehler: Good evening, I'm Amy Poehler. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories. The Merck pharmaceutical company has recalled its arthritis drug Vioxx from the market after studies showed that frequent use of the medicine can contribute to strokes and heart attacks in elderly users. Concerns have been raised, however, that elimination of the drug will actually lead to an increase in heart attacks, especially when Merck shareholders learn that Vioxx accounted for one quarter of their annual sales. Amy Poehler: Janet Leigh, the actress who starred in pictures such as Psycho and The Manchurian Candidate and the mother of Jamie Lee Curtis, recently passed away at her home in Beverly Hills. Though coroners ruled the cause of her death as vasculitis, Beverly Hills police suspect foul play and are investigating Norman Bates, Michael Myers and a possibly brainwashed Major Bennet Marco. Tina Fey: Reverend Al Sharpton recently celebrated his 50th birthday. To commemmorate the occasion, the city of New York presented the reverend with a golden jogging suit. In nature news this week, the Canadian government is trying to deport a flying squirrel from its country despite pleas from the owner that it’s harmless. Apparently the squirrel has been causing many emotional problems since Bullwinkle got run over by a Mack truck. Amy Poehler: Earlier this week a man set his apartment complex on fire when he took some gas and poured it down the toilet. The real tragedy came however when the local college frat started lighting quote unquote “superfarts”. Tina Fey: Doctors have recently found that Episiotomies-incisions that widen the vagina during childbirth- do not reduce the risk of injuries to babies when they are born. This has been this week’s "too much info" news story. Amy Poehler: Earlier in the vice presidential debate this week, Dick Cheney accidentally told viewers to check out a web site run by vehement Bush opposer George Soros. While considered a big mistake on Cheney’s part it got worse later when Cheney asked a Chinese supporter whether or not he remembered the egg rolls. Tina Fey: In Oklahoma this week tourism officials recalled over 200,000 brochures that pictured uninviting activities such as cow manure tossing and reenacting confederate war battles. On the plus side, though, those Confederate battles do feature a Lincoln Dump Tank. This week Baltimore Ravens running back Jamal Lewis pleaded guilty to buying drugs and will serve a 4-month prison sentence after the regular season. So let me get this straight Jamal goes to prison for buying drugs and Jimmy does Taxi and gets nothing, come on! Amy Poehler: This week the film Team America: World Police finally received an R rating after numerous edits of a graphic sex scene between puppets. The same troubles seem to be affecting the upcoming film “Miss Piggy does Sesame Street”. Tiger Woods was married in Barbados this week to Swedish supermodel Elin Nordegren. Since Woods is an “African American – Thai” combination and Nordegren being Swedish, genetics experts have reportedly been working around the clock. And now, returning to the update desk is the host of his own show on CNBC, the legendary Dennis Miller. Dennis Miller: Thanks folks…what can I tell ya? I heard John Kerry called President Bush a ‘spoiled brat’. Hey John, you married the heiress to the Heinz Ketchup fortune, you’ve gotta show us 57 varieties of what you really mean, pal! You want to be President? I’ve seen the President call terrorist cowards and brats. Does that make you any better? I don’t think so. You’ve got worse ‘dissing skills’ than an audience member at the Jerry Springer Show! Ha – aahh! I saw John Kerry on “Meet The Press”. I haven’t seen skin so tight since I saw Meg Ryan at the premiere of that boxing flick she was in! So…President Bush’s approval rating is dipping again and John Kerry supporters are coming out of the woodwork left and right. Bush’s ratings has been dipping back and forth, it’s like that episode of SEINFELD…”You double dipped the chip!” So…Amy, you’re new on Update are you! I used to be on Update…for 6 years! Try that one out tough guy! Tina Fey: Jimmy, are you done. Jimmy Fallon: (breaking character) Yeah…I guess I am. Go see Taxi! Amy Poehler: Jimmy Fallon as Dennis Miller, everyone. Tina Fey: A Swiss couple was accused of committing obscene acts after the owner of a bar in the northern Italian town of Como caught them having sex in the bathroom. The couple stated that they didn't breach public decency laws because the door was closed. However, the door was made of glass. Kamarudin Mohamad, a 72-year-old Malaysian man, married for the 53rd time this week. Mohamad insists he's no playboy, claiming he only wanted to beat Larry King's record, when the entire scheme spun madly out of control. Amy Poehler: An Alaskan zoo is building what it believes to be the world's first elephant treadmill, as part of plans to enrich their 9,000 lb. elephant's life with better accommodation and activities. According to zoo director Tex Edwards: "Elephants are just like people, they will be as lazy as they can be and still eat." Edwards then ended the interview so he could lay on his Barco-lounger and finish the bag of Oreos he was working on before reporters arrived. Tina Fey: This week, President Bush tried to appeal to both the left and the right political sides. Bush said, “If you support the troops, then you are a terrorist! But if you don’t support the troops, then you are still a terrorist! How you like them apples?” Amy Poehler: Pornstar Jenna Jameson has a new book out detailing her experiences in the pornography industry. The book is nearly a 600-page read. Jameson laughed off the length of the book saying, “I had sex with more midgets in the last 24 hours than the length of my book!” Tina Fey: 7-11 is now carrying what they call “7-Election 2004 Cups”. (Tina picks up the Bush cup and the Kerry cup from under the desk and sits them on the update desk) The cups don’t talk but we here at Weekend Update wondered what the cups would say if they did talk. Amy, you’re John Kerry and I’ll be George W. Bush. Amy Poehler: (Trying to do John Kerry) I’m John Kerry…buy my cup…I support 7-11 in their best efforts! Tina Fey: (Doing her Bush impression) Hey John Kerry, why should anyone buy your cup…it’s just gonna flip flop out of their hands! (Laughs) Buy mine! Amy Poehler: (Doing John Kerry) America, it’s unjust for you to buy Mr. Bush’s cup. It will never serve as a decent drink holder. The cup will never serve its required service just like the President and his questionable national guard duty. Buy mine! I’m John Kerry! Tina Fey: And scene! And now, here is Weekend Update’s newest correspondent Russian-born Vladakoff. Vladakoff: Hello. I am Vladakoff. I am new to your country. I have not yet mastered understanding your media, however I do know “overexposure” and “over reaction” when I see it! And I say to the hurricane survivors in Florida to take it easy. People are over reacting about the imagery of hurricane survivors in Florida standing in long lines, waiting for food. I lived in Russia for 35 years…and since the day I was born; I had to wait on line for food. So Florida, this is Vladakoff saying…I SPIT ON YOU! You’ve got no clue what it’s like…to be me! I am Vladakoff. Good night! Tina Fey: Russian-born Vladakoff, everyone! Finally, on a sad note, the world of comedy has lost another titan. Rodney Dangerfield passed away earlier this week at the age of 82, but he left a legacy of laughter and inspiration that will last for years. Saturday Night Live was honored to have Rodney as a host back in 1980, and we would like to leave you tonight with memories of his talent. (Dissolve to Rodney Dangerfield's stand-up monologue from March 8, 1980) Rodney Dangerfield: (in the clip) Yeah, I'll ya, nothin' goes right, you know? My sex life is nothin' - my wife put me down for once a month.. put me down for once a month! Oh, I'm lucky - two guys I know, she cut out completely! I'll tell ya', my wife never went for me, I'm not a sexy guy - I know I'm not sexy! Why, this morning when I put on my underwear, I could hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling! Are you kidding, I know I'm ugly - I stuck my head out the window, got arrested for mooning! (fade out to a still shot of Rodney with the words "Rest in Peace, Rodney" at the bottom of the screen) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
