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Gwen Ifill......Queen Latifah Dick Cheney......Darrell Hammond John Edwards......Will Forte (The setup is different than the presidential debates- everyone is basically sitting around a table. Opens on Gwen Ifill.) Gwen Ifill: Good evening from Case Western Reserve in Cleveland, Ohio. I'm Gwen Ifill of the Newshour on PBS, and I'll be your moderator this evening. Welcome to the first and only vice presidential debate, thank God, between Vice President Dick Cheney (camera shows Cheney, scowling) and Senator John Edwards (camera shows him giving his friendliest smile). Mr. Vice President, we'll start with you. So, Paul Bremer said you don't have enough troops, and Rumsfeld, after having a miraculous revelation, told us recently there was no connection between al Queda and Saddam Hussein. (dramatic pause.) Whatcha gonna do 'bout it? Dick Cheney: Gwen, I want to thank you and the people of Cleveland. It's incredible, I didn't realize that it was safe for people to walk around in this city. Anyway, after 9/11, it became clear that we needed to hunt down the terrorists. What we did in Iraq was exactly the right thing to do, because there was an established relationship between Saddam Hussein and al Queda. See, Osama bin Laden's aunt's coworker's midwife was actually related to this guy who knew all these terrorists. And one of those guys was Hussein's brother-in-law. Ifill: Senator, your response. John Edwards: (Friendly smile the entire time) Gwen, what John Kerry and I are saying is that there is NO connection between September 11 and Saddam Hussein. The Vice President here is a big fat liar. John Kerry will not lie to the American people. Not enough is being done in Afghanistan. John Kerry will fix Afghanistan. Ifill: Vice President? Cheney: (Like a smartass) Um, John Edwards has his facts wrong. And I'd also like to note that people are registering to vote in Afghanistan. Women not only can vote, they can run for office…assuming they don't get shot for speaking in public. Make no doubt about it, freedom is the best antidote to terror. We need to give the Iraqis their medicine. Ifill: Senator. Edwards: Somebody did get it wrong, but it wasn't John Kerry and John Edwards. John Kerry will find the terrorists and kill them before they do harm to the American people. No child will ever have to worry about Afghans in their closet. Well, not the terrorist kind, anyway. Did you know there is a huge opium trade going through Afghanistan? The Bush administration has been trying to hide this fact. I'm sure John Kerry would agree with me in saying, "Damn! We need to get in on this!" But you know, that can't happen when we're spending 200 billion on the war in Iraq! There's no money left for the opium! Cheney: The senator is just plain wrong. 200 billion is being spent on the War on Terror. 120 billion of that is for Iraq. The rest is for Afghanistan…and the rest of the world. Okay, there's this guy in Iraq who's part of al Queda - name's Allawi…no, wait, that's the prime minister…Zarqawi! That's it. He's a bad guy. He's the one running around beheading people. And he's in Iraq! Edwards: Mr. Vice President, there are members of al Queda in 60 countries. How many of them are we gonna blow up? What is this, hide and seek? (impression) Hmm, maybe they're here. Come out, come out, wherever you are! KABLAM! Whoops, nobody home, let's try another country we can't pronounce! By the way, Mr. Vice President, what about your company, Halliburton? How have they been doing during this war? John Kerry says- Cheney: SHUT UP, IMBECILE! Edwards: Mreowr! I think we hit a sore spot there. Ifill: Mr. Vice President, your response. Cheney: Okay, so you think you're sooo cool by harping on the fact that I personally am profiting from this war. Well, guess what, America? (As if tattling) John Edwards is cutting Senate meetings! Who's the bitch now?? Edwards: AM NOT! Cheney: ARE TOO!! Ifill: Settle down, gentlemen. Let's talk about domestic issues now. What do you plan to do for all these poor people in Cleveland? Cheney: Jobs, Gwen. Jobs are the antidote to poverty. Poverty is a disease that needs to be cured. I know I've used this analogy before…let me explain. I am the doctor. I will cure the world. So, jobs. And then there's the No Child Left Behind Act. Smart kids in lousy schools can now move to better schools, while the stupid children are left to wallow in the apathy of the government. Edwards: Gwen, the No Child Left Behind Act is a failure. I know for a fact that little Jimmy Quest-Newburt was left behind. He was late for the bus, so it started to leave without him. Then he came running around the corner, and began running after it. That bus did not stop, Mr. Vice President, and Jimmy was left to be steamrollered by a dairy truck. Ifill: Mr. Vice President, you have said that freedom means freedom for everybody. How do you explain the administration's attempt to pass a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage? Cheney: Well, I meant what I said. Basically, it was all Bush's idea, this constitutional amendment stuff. One of the only ideas that he's come up with this year. He's the president, he sets the policy. I'm just the brains behind the operation. Edwards: Aww...(motioning to Cheney) and he has a gay daughter and everything. You really love her, doncha? Gwen, I think the vice president, John Kerry, and I feel the same way on this issue--we all have to suck up to the Christian conservatives instead of supporting what we think is right. Cheney: Thank you, Senator. Ifill: All right, all right. Nothing more pathetic than two politicians pattin' each other on the back. Now for the real challenge. Can you talk without mentioning your running mate's name? Edwards: Mr. Vice President, we were attacked, but we weren't attacked by Saddam Hussein. And one thing that John Kerry and I would agree with you about is that it is- Ifill: (interrupts) You just used John Kerry's name. Edwards: Oh. Uh, sorry, I broke the rule. (laughs a bit) Uh, we need to be offensive in going after these terrorists. John Kerry made clear on Thursday night that--crap, I did it again. You-Know-Who made clear on Thursday- Ifill: Thank you, Senator. Time for closing statements. Edwards: (talking to camera as if he were Mr. Rogers) Well, when I was a little boy, I went downstairs and saw the glow of the television, and my father sitting at the television. He wasn't paying bills, and he wasn't watching porn, most of the time. He was learning math on television. John Kerry and I will bring the light back to America. I'm John Edwards, and I'm asking America, will you be my neighbor? Cheney: We saw on 9/11 that the next president - er, next decision a president has to make can affect the lives of all of us. I've worked for four presidents, and watched two up close. Suffice it to say, I'm quite a dinosaur. A real fossil here in Washington. Ifill: With that, we come to the end of tonight's snorefest--er, debate. America, you can wake up now, because, "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!" Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
