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Gary.....Jude Law Jason.....Chris Parnell Alice.....Maya Rudolph Nancy.....Amy Poehler Announcer.....Rachel Dratch [Scene: Gary and Jason stand outside of their office building during their coffee break. Jason is holding a cup of piping hot coffee.] Gary: Hey man, how’s it going? Jason: Good, good, what’s new with you? Gary: (hushed voice) Well, it just so happens I’ve been having sex with a married woman. Jason: No way! Gary: Yeah, unfortunately she happens to be my wife. Jason: Ha ha. How’s the missus doing? Gary: She’s been harsh on my case, trying to get me to quit smoking. Jason: How’s that working out? Gary: Well, she’s made this rule where I’m only allowed to smoke after sex so it’s been tough to keep up my pack a day habit. I had five cigarettes one day…but then I couldn’t move for 3 days after that. I’m only averaging a cigarette a day. Jason: Wow. You’re cutting back on smoking and getting in some exercise. Sounds like it’s working out for the best. Gary: I guess…but the thing is, it’s messing me up mentally. I don’t even make love to my wife for the sake of being with her. I just do it for the trip through flavor country afterwards. I…I’m getting sex and cigarettes all mixed up in my head. Jason: Hey dude, check it out. Here comes Alice and Nancy. [Alice and Nancy enter.] Jason: Hey ladies. How’s things in the accounting department? Are the companies figures looking as good as yours? Alice: They’d be better if your sales pitches weren’t as lame as your pick up lines. Jason: You know, you wouldn’t have to put up with my lame pick up lines if you went out on a date with me. Alice: Ug. Gary: You 'ug' now but you better take your chance while he’s available. I feel it only fair to warn you that as soon as hell freezes over, he’s booked solid. [Alice and Nancy laugh.] Jason: Thanks a lot man. Gary: Sorry dude, but you made them ug… Nancy: That was funny Gary. Say, you want a smoke? Gary: Uh…uh…I…I can’t…I mean…I could…but…uh… Alice: Is that a no? Gary: Well…it’s just that…I mean I’m flattered…and I…uh…there’s two of you but you know…I was only making a joke…I didn’t mean to make you want me… Nancy: What? Jason: (aside to Gary)Hey man, what’s up? Gary: What’s up? Those two just offered me a cigarette! [Ladies light up their cigarettes.] Gary: Oh man…you see what they’re doing? Jason: It looks like they’re smoking… Gary: Exactly. And you know what that means? Jason: They’re on their coffee break? Gary: C’mon man! Two chicks smoking together! That does nothing for you? Oh man, I need to cool off. Give me that. [Gary grabs Jason’s coffee mug from Jason and throws it onto his own face.] Gary: AHHH! IT HURTS LIKE VAN HELSING! Jason: That was my coffee you idiot! Alice: Okay…this behavior is weird even for you guys. Let’s go Nancy. [Alice and Nancy exit] Jason: What is with you, man? [Gary bends over the cylindrical 2 foot high ashtray where Alice and Nancy put their cigarettes out.] Gary: It’s the whole cigarettes only after sex thing. It’s messing with my head…like, I look at this ashtray here…and my mind races…so many cigarette butts…there’s gotta be like 20 of them here…(looking up at Jason)This is like porn to me now! Jason: You seriously need to chill out dude. Well, since you wasted my coffee I think I’M going to have a cigarette. Your wife’s not around, so why not have a cigarette with me? Gary: What? Jason: Your wife isn’t around and personally I think you really really need one. Gary: I’ll bet you’d love to give me one wouldn’t you? Jason: I don’t know if I’d love it, I was just being nice… Gary: You sicko. I’m a happily married man and you want me to have a cigarette with you? Jason: Look if you think your wife would mind… Gary: Uh, oh I think she’d mind. And even if she didn’t…I like women pal!!! Jason: Oh geez, the sex and cigarettes thing. Look, that’s not what I meant. Gary: Let me just tell you something…are those menthols? Jason: Yeah, I guess. Gary: Love those. (shakes his head)Sorry for the way I’ve been acting. Jason: It’s alright. It’s not easy kicking the habit. I understand. Gary: Thanks man. You’re always so understanding.(a beat)Have I told you how good you look today? Because you really look good. Jason: Uh thanks. Gary: You know…I think I might enjoy sharing a cigarette with you. It’s not like I never thought about it before… Jason: Uh…you know…I think I’m gonna be going. Later pal. [Jason exits quickly.] Gary: Wait, where are you going? (turns back towards Jason who is offscreen and smacks himself on the butt)Come back, we can make this happen. (smacks himself on the butt again.) Don’t leave me. I need a cigarette! [Enter announcer.] Announcer: Addiction is no laughing matter. If you’re trying to break the habit, don’t do it on your own. Call 1-800-No-More-Smoking-For-Me-Cuz-I’m-breaking-the-habit-tonight. It’s a lot of numbers to dial…but it’s worth it. Don’t end up a cigarette whore like Gary here. Gary: I…I love my wife I really do…I’m just so confused. (a beat) Wait Jason…come back. You could just blow smoke in my face! I don’t think that counts as cheating! [Gary exits.] Announcer: Sad. So very sad. Call now and get this free ‘Don’t smoke’ Care Bear. [holds up a Care Bear with a big ‘No Smoking’ symbol on it’s chest.’. You press the emphysema surgery hole in his throat and he talks. [Announcer holds finger over button on Care Bears throat.] Care Bear: (labored crackily speech)Don’t…wheeze…wheeze…smoke. Announcer: Awww. He cares because he understands. Call now! [Fade Out to Linkin Park’s ‘Breaking the Habit’. Don’t Smoke!] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
