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Bill O’Reilly.....Rob Riggle Bill O’Reilly #2.....Jeff Richards (cameo) .....Jude Law (Fade in) Bill O’Reilly: Caution, the no spin zone is coming right up! (An O’Reilly Factor montage plays) Good evening, I’m Bill O’Reilly and welcome to the Factor here on FOX NEWS. Tonight, we are going to discuss something, I think everyone is talking about…the feud between CNN’s Tucker Carlson and Comedy Central’s Jon Stewart. Apparently, Tucker commented on Stewart’s recent appearance on CNN’s Crossfire saying, “Stewart looked ridiculous during his CNN appearance and to me, seemed like he was sellout for publicly by backing Democrat John Kerry for President.” I personally would like to say to both Jon and Tucker, easy ladies…go back to cable, where you belong, missy! (Turns to another camera) Now folks, I know what you’re say, “Mr. Reilly, Carlson and Stewart were on cable to begin with and the feud was started on cable, so what exactly are you trying to say?” And I say to you folks, “It’s a joke, play ago with it!” While we are on the subject, let’s talk about me and how goddamn sexy I am. This past week, I was accused of sexual harassment. You know, this goes out to you ladies of the world, when I come to work and tell you that I love your breasts, I’m saying it as a compliment. Take it for what it’s worth. And you know; since everyone is talking about this sexual harassment thing, and me more than the election, let’s talk about. It’s news, is it not? Please welcome my only guest this evening, myself! (Bill O’Reilly #2 slides his chair up to the desk) Bill O’Reilly #2: Good evening, I’m Bill O’Reilly. And, it’s good to be here. Bill O’Reilly: Bill, thanks for coming. Bill O’Reilly #2: (Laughs) Was it good for you? Bill O'Reilly: (Laughs) You sly dog! Anyways, let me ask you my first question, why is the media dragging your name through the mud over these crazy accusations? Bill O’Reilly #2: You know, Bill, people in the news like to report things they care about and they apparently they care about me and how sexy I am. Bill O’Reilly: You make a good point. And that is that you are goddamn sexy! Bill O’Reilly #2: I know Bill, so are you. You are goddamn sexy! (Both Bill O’Reilly’s look into the camera) Both: We are too damn sexy! Bill O’Reilly: Hey Bill, after the show, I was thinking of taking a cold shower. What do you think of that? Bill O’Reilly #2: I got a loofa sponge back at my place if you're interested. Bill O'Reilly: Whoa, back up their cowboy. I don't swing that way. Bill O'Reilly #2: (winks knowingly) Right! Bill O'Reilly: What? I'm not into dudes. Bill O'Reilly #2: I got a vibrator shaped like a penis at home that says different. Bill O'Reilly: (nervously) I...that was a gift. Bill O'Reilly #2: A gift that keeps on giving! C'mon man, you know you want me. Bill O'Reilly: No I don't, I'm not gay. Bill O'Reilly #2: Come on I'm so sexy, I could turn Elton John gay. Bill O'Reilly: Huh? Elton John IS gay! Bill O'Reilly #2: Score on for the O'Reillymeister. Bill O'Reilly: Okay, stop it. This is totally inappropriate. I’d expect that one from Chris Matthews or…or Larry King, but never from myself! Bill O'Reilly #2: Oh yeah...that way your temple throbs when you get angry. Bill O'Reilly: What? Bill O'Reilly #2: Oh I think you know what I'm talking about. I'm almost where I need to be baby. Bill O'Reilly: You are a disgusting piece of filth! Bill O'Reilly #2: Uh huh, that's the stuff that gets my zone spinning. Bill O'Reilly: I am out of here. Bill O’Reilly #2: Are you really mad? Bill O’Reilly: Bill, you bring up a very good point. I can’t stay mad at myself! I’ll see you outside. I’m gonna pull the car up! (Both Bill O’Reilly’s look into the camera) Both: We are too damn sexy! (Bill O'Reilly #2 gets up and exits the stage) Bill O’Reilly: That was Bill O’Reilly. That’s it for tonight’s Factor. I want to thank my guest Bill O’Reilly. I would also like to apologize to my wife. I want the house, you get the kids! I also want to apologize to my originally scheduled guest Jude Law. He has a new movie out “I Heart Hucklebee!” Looks like another stinker to me! (Jude Law enters the stage) Jude Law: Come on, what the hell! It’s a good movie! Bill O’Reilly: Apparently my guest and myself will have to agree to disagree. I’m Bill O’Reilly; you’ve been watching the Factor, here on the only network of truth, FOX NEWS. Now before I say goodnight America...I just want to look out there...at all of you, looking at me...with your hungry, hungry eyes...and just give you a moment to take it all in...that's right...was it good for you? I know I enjoyed it. (Pause) Oh and down with the liberal media, they're ruining the country! Good night. (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
