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Announcer.....Jim Downey Bob Schieffer.....Chris Parnell President Bush.....Will Forte John Kerry.....Seth Meyers .....Ralph Nader Announcer: Welcome to Road To The White House. This week, we present a look back at the third presidential debate between John Kerry, George W. Bush and Ralph Nader. The third debate was held at Arizona State University. CBS’s Face The Nation host Bob Schieffer was the moderator. Let us take a look at just a few classic moments. Bob Schieffer: Good evening, gentlemen. Tonight, we will try and have an honest debate about the issues. Something that has not happened in any of the debates. So, let’s give it a try. Tonight’s first issue will be “Economic Policy”. John Kerry: Bob, I’d just like to point something out! Mr. President, read my lips when I say this, “Iraq is not an economic policy!” President Bush: John thanks for telling me that. I like the Go-Go’s, too! “Our lips are sealed!” Bob Schiffer: Gentlemen, please. Ralph Nader: Bob, I’d like to say something. It is my opinion, that because I am not on several ballots for the election on November 2nd…I should not be in this debate. Thank you (Ralph Nader walks off the stage) Bob Schiffer: Thank you, Mr. Nader. The truth hurts sometimes, doesn’t it gentlemen. Announcer: At this point of the debate, former consumer advocate Ralph Nader has exited himself from the debate. Bob Schieffer: Mr. President, the next question is for you. At a rally for Jewish voters, why did you say to them, “Thank you for killing Jesus Christ! That was certainly kick ass!”? President Bush: Bob, I’d like to answer your question, by asking another question! Why did John Kerry cross the road…do you give up? He figured that in order to appeal to both political sides, he’d have to go from the left side of the road to the right side of the road, and then go back to the left side! Do you get it? ‘Cuz he’s a flip-flopper! Bob Schieffer: Thank you, Mr. Bush. Announcer: Another classic moment happened when President Bush was asked yet another question about economic policy, this time involving education reform. President Bush: Bob, to answer you question, I’d just like to say…I’m George W. Bush and I’ve approved this joke…Two Islamic terrorists walk into a bar, they sit down at the bar. They both order a beer. Before they take their first sips, one terrorist says to the other, “Praise Allah!” The other terrorist proceeds to cover himself in gasoline and light himself on fire. The bartender walks over and says, “If all he wanted was a buzz, all he had to do is order a beer with a few anthrax spores in it!” Now, that’s funny! John Kerry: Don’t you see, America. This is why this President should not be our president. He’s too busy cracking jokes, making fun of his opponents. Calling me a flip-flopper. America, you need a man who can be light hearted and at the same time, be serious. That’s me. I’m John Kerry. Announcer: Another moment occurred when President was asked what he planned to do about the energy crisis. President Bush: I’d like to answer that question with another joke, Bob. John Kerry: Oh great! Not another flip-flopper anachodote! President Bush: No, in fact it’s a botox joke, thank you! Bob Schieffer: Mr. President, we are running out of time! President Bush: Hey, John Kerry! Why the long face? John Kerry: You know, that joke was funny the first 100 times Letterman did it. But now, when you do it, not so funny! Bob Schieffer: Gentleman, please! Announcer: The final classic moment of this debate occurred when John Kerry made a harsh remark about Dick Cheney’s daughter being a homosexual. President Bush proceeded to fire back at Kerry. John Kerry: I feel that it is rather interesting that the Bush administration is one of the most anti-gay administrations in the history of the White House…when you put into prospective that the Vice President’s daughter is a lesbian. I have a plan to make gay couples as equal as any straight couple. And that goes for bi-sexual couples, and swinger couples, and midgets, she-males and cross dressers and anyone else who is considered a freak by society. I want the world to come as one! (Bush begins to snicker to himself because of what Kerry just said) I have plan for gay couples to marry. I have a plan…but then again, you have to remember that Dick Cheney’s daughter is a lesbian. Bob Schieffer: Mr. President, your rebuttal? President Bush: What’s wrong John Kerry? You got something against lezzies? You don’t like beaver eaters? Mr. Kerry, do you not like furburgers? Announcer: This concludes our presentation of “Road To The White House”. Please stay tuned for “Live From New York, its Saturday Night!” Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
