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Ned Olsen...Chris Parnell Jack Blair...Jude Law Billy Olsen...Seth Meyers Cindy Olsen...Amy Poehler [SCENE: The Olsen family living room. Ned Olsen, Cindy Olsen, and Billy Olsen (their son) are talking with Jack Blair, a potential border.] Ned Olsen: We've been looking for a new border for a while now. Our last one just got his degree and headed down to NASA. Jack Blair: Really? Smashing. Ned Olsen: Your references checked out, so just give us a minute to discuss a few things. Jack Blair: Fabulous. (The family gathers together) Ned Olsen: What do you think, Billy? Billy Olsen: (indifferent) Eh, he seems okay. Ned Olsen: I think so too. He's British, so he'll help classy up our image in the neighborhood. Cindy Olsen: (protesting) I don't think we need another border. We could really use that room for storage. The basement is almost packed to its limit. Ned Olsen: No, we're going to go with him. I have a great feeling about this. (leaves the huddle and walks back over to Jack Blair). Okay, Jack, we're in business. Jack Blair: (excited) Smashing! [SCENE: The living room, A few weeks later; Ned Olsen is sitting on the couch while Cindy Olsen walks up to him] Cindy Olsen: Ned, we have a problem. I was doing the laundry and I found some blood stains on Jack's clothes. Ned Olsen: Well, that's not a big deal. He probably cut himself. Cindy Olsen: Yeah, that's what I thought too, but then I found this knife. (holds up the knife) It was in his pocket and was covered with blood. I think he got into a fight with someone and stabbed them to death. Ned Olsen: (laughing) Oh, that's crazy. Cindy Olsen: Is it? What about that item in the paper the other day about the Irish man who was found dead outside of McGinley's Bar? Ned Olsen: (continuing to laugh) So you're saying he's a racist and a murderer? Cindy Olsen: (forcefully) Yes, I think he is. Ned Olsen: But he's British! Cindy Olsen: But... Ned Olsen: No, I won't hear another word of it. [SCENE: The living room, A couple of weeks later; Ned Olsen is sitting on the couch while Cindy Olsen walks up to him] Cindy Olsen: Ned, we have another problem. Ned Olsen: (annoyed) What now? Cindy Olsen: That man gave Billy drugs! Ned Olsen: (surprised) Say what? Cindy Olsen: You heard me. He offered Billy some new British drug. Billy took it from him, but he showed it to me since he had no idea what it was. It's so illegal that I've never even heard of it! (pause) I think he's a drug-dealer. That would explain why he's always out late at night. Ned Olsen: But he's British! Cindy Olsen: But... Ned Olsen: Cindy, stop. Jack is a great tenant. He pays the rent on time and always throws in a little extra. Plus, he even gives me those Cuban cigars from time to time. We couldn't ask for a better border. [SCENE: The living room, A few weeks later; Ned Olsen is arriving home from work with Cindy Olsen waiting for him] Cindy Olsen: (shouting) Ned, this is the final straw! Ned Olsen: (annoyed) What now? Cindy Olsen: Jack coaxed Billy into delivering a package for him, and now Billy's in the hospital with three gunshot wounds! Ned Olsen: (horrified) What? Cindy Olsen: (outraged) This is it! Either he goes or I go! And if I go, I'm taking your foot massager with me! Ned Olsen: (pleading) But he's British! Listen to that accent! People who sound like that aren't evil! They're too suave and sophisticated! It was probably just a misunderstanding! Cindy Olsen: (shouting) I don't care! You have to do something about this before we wind up getting killed! Ned Olsen: (shouting) Fine! (pause) Jack, could you come in here please? [Jack Blair enters the living room] Jack Blair: Yes, Mr. Olsen? Everything smashing? Ned Olsen: No, everything is not smashing, Jack. I think we're going to have to ask you to leave. Jack Blair: I understand. It's about Billy, isn't it? I already offered to pay for his medical bills. And that artificial limb should be arriving in the next few days. But, anyway, I understand. [Jack picks up a gym-bag sitting on the ground and throws it over his shoulder. At the same time, Ned Olsen mouths "Artificial limb?" to Cindy Olsen, to which she mouths "Don't ask."] Jack Blair: It was smashing to be here. Next time you and the family come to England, I'll take you to Harrod's and treat you to some fish and chips. [Jack Blair shakes Ned Olsen's hand and walks out of the house] Ned Olsen: Satisfied? Cindy Olsen: Yes. You may not think so now, but that was one of the best decisions I've ever forced you to make. [Cut to Jack Blair standing outside of the house. Jack is talking to someone on his cell-phone.] Jack Blair: Yeah, they kicked me out. I'm surprised they didn't do it sooner. (pause) You want me to what? (pause) But they're American! They're too stupid to tell anyone! (pause) Fine. You want it done quick or clean? (pause) Make it look like an accident? You got it. [Jack Blair unzips his gym-bag, pulls out a gun, and slowly creeps back inside the house] [FADE OUT] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
