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.....Tina Fey .....Amy Poehler Ahab.....Rob Riggle Ishmael.....Jude Law .....Ralph Nader Bill Clinton.....Darrell Hammond Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Tina Fey. Amy Poehler: Good evening, I'm Amy Poehler. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories. In political news, Governor Schwarzenegger of California delivered a speech backing up Bush’s plan for America’s future. This speech has reportedly made his wife turn a cold shoulder against Arnold in the bedroom. Reporters also seem to have obtained a piece of dialogue from his wife Maria that says “Remember when I said our political differences wouldn’t be a problem in the bedroom, I lied!” Amy Poehler: An Oregon man this week discovered that his television set had been emitting an international distress signal from an orbiting satellite. Apparently the TV had begun emitting these signals soon after its owner turned on the porno film “Chunky Greasy Lovers”. Tina Fey: In health, overweight people have struggled to exercise. Also in the news: bald people have trouble growing hair, and retarded people can’t solve Calculus. Later this month the University of Kansas plans on conducting a serious 3-day scholarly conference on Godzilla. The seriousness that Godzilla is being treated with has spread worldwide as Transylvania residents have marched to kill Count Chocula. Amy Poehler: In Science news this week Federal Courts have decided that whales have no standing to sue the US Navy from using sonar that emits underwater noise for the mammals. In light of this court decision, female dogs have lost their lawsuit demanding to no longer be called bitches. And in space news, a U.S. astronaut is finally returning home to Earth this week, happy to soon meet his 4-month-old daughter. The sad thing is that he’s been in space for 15 months, you do the math people. Tina Fey: in sports news, the Boston Red Sox in the American League Championship defeated the New York Yankees after starting with a 3 games to nothing advantage. Also, the current temperature in hell right now is: 12 degrees. Amy Poehler: It was announced that flu vaccine shortages would be lightened with the introduction of 1 million nasal spray vaccines, but that the next 10 million vaccines will come in suppository form. Tina Fey: Senior citizens are being encouraged to relax over the flu vaccine shortage. That’s right senior citizens, don’t worry…relax…you’re going to die soon! In recent TV ratings it has shown that many of NBC’s hit programs have been losing up to 20 percent of their normal ratings. We here at Weekend Update are always looking for ways - any kind of ways - to boost our ratings, so here is a scene from the soft porn classic Moby DICK! (Two old sea characters come out in front of the desk looking at one another) Ahab: Young sailor our ship is sinking whatever are we going to do now? Ishmael: Oh I bet I can think of something. (They both look lustfully at each other and begin to make out and feel each other up.) Ahab: Oh god I love what your doing to me sailor boy! Ishmael: Call me Ishmael! Ahab: Oh Ishmael! Amy Poehler: Early Last Week, Michael Jackson pledged to BET to stop showing Eminem’s new video "Just Lose it" which parodies Michael Jackson numerous times. But why is BET even showing Eminem’s video. He is not black, yet. And why are BET even listening to Jackson. He’s white as well. It’s just another attempt to have "The Man" keep the brothers and sisters down! Tina Fey: Are you done yet. Amy Poehler: (meekly) yes. Tina Fey: You’re so desperate for laughs aren’t you. Amy Poehler: Fresh burn Tina. President Bush, this week, blamed the flu vaccine shortage on a defect. He then blamed all the other problems of his administration on the very same defect. A new poll shows that President Bush has doubled his support from the black community. Asked to comment on this, Bush said, “It’s amazing what a promise of having sex with one of your daughters does to the black men of Harlem!” Tina Fey: Earlier this week, President Bush awarded his kindergarten teacher a plaque as the country's top educator. Asked why she was so honored to receive the award, Ms. Williams quipped, “Because I’m the one who told him that there is no such thing as cooties.” It was also reported this week that presidential candidate Ralph Nader would be going on a 10 state tour to scare up promotion for the election. Nader said the reason for the tour is the fact that the 10 states he is visiting are the only ones where he is actually on the ballot. Amy Poehler: Earlier this week, President Bush said, “If you don’t want a draft, then vote for me. That is your best bet.” Hearing this, the American people looked at each other with a confused look on their faces and began to think, “Gee, I wonder if he’s lying to us again.” Karl Rove then came out from behind the curtain and said, “What do you think?” President Bush also said that John Kerry doesn't understand the terror war, then went on to say, "And neither do I, so what are you going to do now, America?" Tina Fey: And now here with a consumer update is former consumer advocate and presidential candidate, Ralph Nader. Ralph Nader: Thank you. I have come on this forum to discuss new and exciting products that on the market and to tell you how truly bad they are! For example, the new “Mountain Dew Grape Edge”. Any soda that makes you vomit is not good for you and should be rightfully taken off the market! Next, the new and improved “Morning After Pill”. It does not work. I have a feeling of cobwebs in my womb. Amy Poehler: Wow. Ralph Nader: That’s right. Wow is right. Here is another product that is on the market that sounds good…but is actually very, very bad for you. It’s called “Porn”. (Pause) Okay, a lot of people knew that. Okay. Next, doctors are working viagra for women. I have no comment on this because I’m a virgin…and the fact that I am a man. Amy, Tina what do you think of female viagra? (Tina and Amy look puzzled) Well, doctor say the only side effect is that it may cause a woman’s voice to become deeper and…also, some hair growth. So, ladies, you will have to take the good with the bad, I suppose. That’s all I really want to say, tonight. I’m Ralph Nader and a vote for me on November 2nd, is a vote for the better, the good, the decent and the fact that I don’t have a shot in hell of becoming President! Good night. Tina Fey: Ralph Nader, ladies and gentlemen. Amy Poehler: A 57 year old Calgary woman survived 24 days in her car, which was stuck in a ditch. She survived as long as she did because she started eating her right arm. This oddly enough story has proven once again, everyone is on the Atkins’ Diet! Tina Fey: After more and more complaints from their customers, US Airways has official changed their slogan from “We’ll get you there!” to the more accurate, “We’ll get you there…eventually!” Amy Poehler: As many know by now, singer Melissa Etheridge was diagnosed with breast cancer just last week. She has since had surgery and all seems to be well. But this event has definitely caused a stir for the gay music community. This could have happened to one of the Indigo Girls or…the front man from Judas Priest…but it happened to Melissa Etheridge. Just thank god it didn’t happen to Clay Aiken! That would have been the end of the world! Tina Fey: (With a puzzled look on her face) Clay Aiken is gay? Amy Poehler: FOX News' Bill O'Reilly is currently facing sexual harassment charges. Commenting on this, O'Reilly quipped, "Well, this is the closest I'll ever get to being a democrat!" Tina Fey: Britney Spears is planning on changing her last name to "Federline". Still no word on whether she will commit suicide or if the media will kill her personally. Amy Poehler: In other news, Mel Gibson's alleged stalker is facing up to 3 years behind bars. Asked to comment on this, Mel Gibson said, "Jesus Christ would have wanted it that way." Tina Fey: Cereal spokesperson Tony The Tiger announced at a press conference this week that Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes are not great, but merely good. Congress announced earlier this week that the Electoral College would be abolished after the upcoming election, because of the fact that the college has not been meeting affirmative action quotas. Amy Poehler: Al Gore decided to open his mouth this week and here to comment on it, is former President of the United States, Bill Clinton. Bill Clinton: Hello. Thank you, Amy. Hey, are you busy after the show? Never mind, it doesn’t matter. So, my buddy Al Gore decided to open his mouth and blast President Bush, this week. What else is new? Gore said that President Bush governs from a "love of power" and right-wing ideology rather than religious beliefs, and he has yet to hold anyone in his administration accountable for his mistakes. (Laughs) I was just waiting for Gore to say that Bush would like to blame it all on God, but then that wouldn’t have made any sense…because Bush isn’t a religious man…but wait, maybe he is? Al, think about, he is anti gay and likes to start war in biblical fashion, for no reason! He is certainly a religious man. Speaking of religion, did anyone see the new Maxim? It is wonderful! Check it out. Getting back to my point…Al, do yourself a favor, do me a favor, do the whole world a favor, and think before you speak. Thank you and bless you all! I love you! Amy Poehler: Former President Bill Clinton! Tina Fey: Finally tonight, with the election just a week away, Weekend Update would like to discuss an unknown candidate from Missouri. This is Weekend Update’s Political Spotlight. Tonight, Matt Blunt, running for Governor of Missouri. Amy Poehler: Here are just a few facts you need to know about Matt Blunt. One, he’s running on the Green Party ticket. Tina Fey: Two, he was endorsed by both Cheech & Chong and Method Man & Redman. Amy Poehler: Three, Blunt wanted to get into the political play field a lot sooner but he spent too much time smoking the grass on the field. Tina Fey: And lastly, his campaign is being sponsored by “late night munchies”. Tina & Amy: Taco Bell, when you’ve got the fucking munchies…really bad! Tina Fey: For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey. Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler. Tina & Amy: Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow. Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
