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Tom.....Rob Riggle Joseph.....Jude Law Carrie.....Rachel Dratch Charlie.....Fred Armisen (Tom (Riggle) enters stage, wearing headphones, and sits down at a bus stop bench. He checks his watch and pulls out a book. After sitting for a few second Joseph (Law) enters carrying a brown paper bag and a rolly backpack.) Joseph: Do you have the time? Tom: (Taking his headphones off, he looks at his watch) It's about a quarter after one. (He puts his headphones back on and continues reading.) Joseph: What are you listening to? Tom: (Looking a little annoyed, takes his headphones off.) Cake. I just got the CD. Joseph: I saw them on Leno the other night. Tom: How were they? (Joseph stares into space as if he didn't hear Tom, before suddenly snapping back to attention.) Joseph: What? Tom: How were they? Joseph: Who? Tom: Cake. Joseph: You're a chef? That's fascinating. I eat. (Opens his brown paper bag, and quickly closes it.) That's not food. (Mimes drinking.) You won't call the cops, will you? Cops are commies with clubs-although I think commies had clubs too; but they'll never get me. I stand for freedom! (Joseph stands and walks to check the bus time schedule. Tom puts his headphones back on and continues reading. Joseph comes back and sits down noticeably closer.) Joseph: (Leaning over) What are you reading? (Tom, getting agitated takes his headphones off again.) Tom: "East of Eden." (While Tom finishes his sentence Joseph begins to rock back and forth singing Ashlee Simpson songs.) It's actually very good. Oprah has great taste; every book on her list - fabulous. (beat) Are you even paying attention? Joseph: What? Hey, what are you reading? (Joseph scoots closer to Tom so they are shoulder to shoulder.) (Carrie (Dratch) and Charlie (Armisen) enter holding hands, an obviously affectionate and simple minded couple.) Carrie: I love you. Charlie: I love rainbows. Carrie: And birds that ride on rainbows. Charlie: And amoebas that ride on birds on rainbows. Carrie: And the air birds fly in. (The two lean stiffly in towards each other and share an "Eskimo kiss" - rubbing noses - cooing soft: "I love you, No I love you's.") Joseph: (Not able to move any closer to Tom, Joseph leans into his lap, reaching to read his watch.) What time is it? Tom: (Jumping to his feet) Please stay on your side of the bench. And don't ask me anymore questions; it is ten to one; I'm reading East of Eden and listening to Cake- Charlie: You're a chef? Carrie: I love chefs. Charlie: I love cakes. Carrie: With frosting. Charlie: And sprinkles. Carrie: Of ice cream. Charlie: And baked. Tom: You can't bake an ice cream cake. Carrie: DON'T JUDGE ME! (Charlie restrains her; Joseph gets up from the bench, puts his hand on Tom's shoulder and stands as close as possible.) Joseph: You've got to respect people's boundaries. Tom: (sarcastic) Really? That hadn't occurred to me. Joseph: That's people skills; (leaning his head on Tom's shoulder and stroking his arm) you've got to know when you've gone too far. Charlie: (approaching Tom) Would you share your cake with us? Tom: I don't have a cake, I'm listening -- Joseph: Wait, you're not a chef? Carrie: You're a liar? Charlie: Does that pay well? (All three of them close in on Tom, circling around him, not leaving any space and stand silent for a beat.) Joseph: What time is it? Tom: ENOUGH! Get away! You are invading my space and one of you smells really really bad. Charlie: I don't bathe. Carrie: I love not bathing. Charlie: I love you. Carrie: I love babies. Charlie: I - don't love babies. Carrie: MY UTERUS IS DYING! Joseph: The bus is coming! Tom: Finally. Joseph: (laughing) Nah I'm just kidding, what time is it? Tom: The bus is never coming - and I am going to be stuck here with all of you, forever! (To the Heavens) What did I ever do to you? Carrie: So it's not an eatable cake? (In a mix of anger and frustration Tom leaves in a huff and all three sit down appearing completely complacent on the bench. Joseph takes a hearty drink out of the brown paper bag and Charlie and Carrie lean in stiffly to kiss each other.) (Stock footage of a bus pulling up to the bus stop.) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
