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Officer Barley.....Kate Winslet Dave.....Seth Meyers Officer Goode.....Rob Riggle Officer Tilly.....Rachel Dratch [ ext. Highway – night ] [ Dave is seated inside his car, checking his hair, while Officer Barley strolls up to the door ] Dave: [ aside ] First day with my first new car. I really don’t need this speeding ticket. Just play it cool, you can talk your way out of it. Barley: Good evening. Dave: Hey. Barley: Hi. Dave: [ overly charming ] Hi~. Barley: License and registration? Dave: [ winking ] Right back at ya. [ a beat ] It’s right over here [ stretches dramatically to the glove box ] Let’s see what I got in here… [ judging her reactions ] my acceptance letter to Cornell Law School… [ Barley is unfazed ] Dave: Olympic Bronze Medal… [ Barley remains unfazed ] Dave: A copy of Immanuel Kant’s Critique of Pure Reason… Barley: [ scoffs ] You expect me to believe you’re actually reading that? Dave: I’m on page [ winks ] 69. Barley: [ biting lip ] License and registration, please. Dave: [ handing info ] I wasn’t sure which you wanted so I gave you both my driver’s and yoga instructor’s license. Barley: Okay, David Towers, I clocked you at 95 miles an hour back there. Dave: To beginners, that may seem fast, but I can handle the speed. You’re the first one I’ve encountered who kept up. Barley: [ melting ] Thanks… [ snapping back ] I mean, just how long do you expect to keep going that fast? Dave: An hour… hour and a half. Barley: [ back to biting her lip ] Really? Dave: What can I say? I can handle rough speeds… there wasn’t any traffic around. We pretty much have the highway [ begins leaning closer ] all.. to.. ourselves. Barley: So this slowly increasing physical proximity is supposed to entice me to let you off with just a warning? Dave: [ leans even closer, his head now uncomfortably hanging out the half-rolled window ] Yes. Barley: I’m going to need to conduct a field sobriety test. [ Barley opens car door, pulling Dave awkwardly out as he attempts to disentangle his neck ] Dave: I’m completely sober; I can walk a straight line on my hands if you’d like. Barley: [ irresponsibly overstroking her hair ] Impressive. Dave: I can do it on just one, but it probably wouldn’t be straight enough. Still working on that, give me a week. Barley: [ dorky grin ] I think we’ll cut right to the breath test. [ Barley pulls Dave in for a kiss as the camera fades out ] [ fade in ] [ shot from inside a car shows Officer Goode attempting to knock on a rolled-down car window. He whiffs before rapping on the car roof instead ] [ Officer Barley and Dave sit up, covered by a blanket ] Goode: Well look what we have here… two rid-tiddlers in a cotton-pickle. And here I am, like a harvest wolf at the dining rally. Dave: Oh, hi there. Umm, I can explain. Goode: You can? This’ll be better than a fried egg on a wet plate. Dave: Uh, Officer.. Officer [ rummages on floor searching for nametag ] Barley and I were having a discussion about, umm, laws and policing [ Barley nods along ] and, and street safety.. Barley: Which is why we set up the flares… Dave: And well, we both got really tired and decided to call it a night. Goode: And you expect me to believe that? Dave: Gosh, it’d sure help… Barley: Be a weight off my shoulders… Dave: A godsend when you think about it… Goode: You know what? I’d love to, but I got half a pack of Marlboros that says fish is fish, cheese is cheese. You see, I saw Officer Barley’s cruiser, and it appears she had clocked you going 95! I’m going to say it again, using letters instead of numerals to add weight: ninety-five! Now, I’d hate to be judgmental, but the old pope could see you’re using your magnificent sexual prowess to weasel out of a ticket. And I mean that as a compliment. Dave: Err, thanks.. [ wheels turn inside his head ] You know, that uniform of yours must be scratchy. Goode: Why, yes, yes it is. Dave: I could help you out of it, but you’ll have to wait about fif— Barley: [ places a hand on Dave’s mouth ] If you want to review Dave’s speeding paperwork, I have it under this blanket. You know, near my sexual organs… [ fade out, fade in ] [ Officer Tilly approaches and misses knocking on the car window, but with a flashlight, giving a good thwack to Dave’s head ] Tilly: Oops, sorry. Dave: Oww, that really hurt. Look where you’re swinging that thing. Tilly: I couldn’t really see. Let me turn it on [ flips switch, blinding Dave ] Oops, sorry. [ stiff, dry, as if reciting ] Uh, I saw the two abandoned cruisers behind this vehicle, and also saw the reading of [ very deliberate ] ninety-five miles per hour and was concerned that justice was being served properly. Then, I walked up to the vehicle and was [ completely dry ] near horrified to discover that people were engaging in intercourse in exchange for silence about— Dave: Please, please, if you want some illicit bribery sex, just get in the car. Tilly: Awesome! [ fade out ] [ fade in on toy model of highway, with car and three police cruisers ] [ SUPER: Three Hours Later ] [ zoom out reveals around two dozen police cruisers blocking the road ] Dispatcher (V/O): Reports are coming in of a massive road blockage on I-384. Will the nearest sexually frustrated officer please investigate? Officer (V/O): 10-4, I’m all over it. [ black out ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
