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Brian Williams.....Seth Meyers Tom Brokaw.....Chris Parnell Bill O’Reilly.....Rob Riggle .....Tina Fey (via tape) .....Amy Poehler (via tape) Jon Stewart (via tape).....Will Forte Walter Cronkite.....Darrell Hammond Ted Koppel (via tape).....Darrell Hammond Dan Rather (via tape).....Darrell Hammond (Fade in) (Camera pans around the Rainbow Room at NBC) Announcer: Live from the Rainbow Room in NBC Studios at 30 Rockefeller Center, NBC says goodbye to Tom Brokaw. It’s the newscaster roast of Tom Brokaw. And now, here is your roast master for this evening, Brian Williams. (Camera fades in close up on the main stage) Brian Williams: Hello! Good evening, I’m Brian Williams. Last week, I officially took over for Tom Brokaw as the official anchor of the “NBC Nightly News”. But tonight, we official say our goodbyes to one of the most recognizable faces in the history of prime-time network news. Please welcome, the man of the hour, Mr. Tom Brokaw! (Tom Brokaw enters the stage, guided by 2 beautiful women; Tom Brokaw sits down in the center chair) Tom Brokaw: It’s good to be here, Brian! Brian Williams: Tonight, as a farewell, many, many news personalities have come here to say goodbye to you, Tom. Our first guest, now out of the hot water, as his ‘sexual harassment case’ was settled out of court, is the man of ‘truth’, from FOX News’ “The O’Reilly Factor” here is Bill O’Reilly. (Bill O’Reilly walks up to the ‘roasting’ podium) Bill O’Reilly: Good evening, I’m Bill O’Reilly! And here is the factor. Tom Brokaw is a man, a very kind and honest man. A man who has never been charged or even accused of sexual harassment and that is what separates myself from our man of honor. My ex-wife admitted to me that one lonely, lonely night she was turned on that she ah…ah “fiddled her faddle” to an “NBC Nightly News” broadcast. Can I say that? So Tom, now that you are a citizen again, I’d like to punch you if the face for breaking up my marriage! But, I will be the nice guy, and not punch you tonight…maybe tomorrow, maybe the next day, but certainly not tonight…because I am a man of integrity and because tonight is your night. I’m Bill O’Reilly and that is the factor…and that is the truth. Good night. (Bill O’Reilly exits the stage) Brian Williams: Thank you, Bill. And now here are a few taped messages from just a few of your fellow news colleges! (Cue taped segment from Tina Fey & Amy Poehler of SNL’s Weekend Update) Announcer: From Studio 8H, in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Amy Poehler: Good evening, I’m Amy Poehler. Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories. Tom Brokaw retired from the NBC news desk this past week and he was replaced by an autopilot! (A picture of Brian Williams) Amy Poehler: In other news, even after the results from last week’s presidential election, George W. Bush and John Kerry agree that they wish Tom Brokaw was still doing the news. Tina Fey: We here at Weekend Update would like to wish Tom a fond farewell! For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey. Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler. Tina & Amy: Good night and have pleasant tomorrow. (Cue taped segment from Jon Stewart of Comedy Central’s Daily Show) (Cue opening sequence of The Daily Show) Jon Stewart: Good evening, I’m Jon Stewart. And…thank you. That’s so unexpected! Tonight’s headlining story, Tom Brokaw: man or alien? You be the judge… (Cue video of Tom Brokaw; another audio track is imposed) Tom Brokaw: I’m half man, half alien. (End Brokaw clip) Jon Stewart: Well, I think the video speaks for it’s self. Tom Brokaw, from all of us here at the Daily Show, we wish you a fond farewell. Good night! (Camera fades back to the main stage) Brian Williams: And now a legendary, genuine name in news, here is Walter Cronkite. (Walter Cronkite walks up to the podium slowly) Walter Cronkite: Good evening, I’m Walter Cronkite and this is a roast. Tom, you are very old. And I’m even older. (Audience applauds the joke) I’m in Cooperstown and Tom; if you need someone to show you around the retirement home, don’t even think about calling me. I’m plenty busy. What am I saying, no I’m not! I’ve got nothing to do. Sure, I write a syndicated news column…but that just pays for my cocaine addiction. (Audience again applauds Walter’s joke) Tom, welcome to retirement. (A pause for a round of applause) Tom Brokaw: Thank you, Walter. Walter Cronkite: And now, here are a few more taped messages from your news buddies. They couldn’t be here because they are too busy reporting the news. (Cue taped segment from Ted Koppel) Ted Koppel: Good evening, I’m Ted Koppel and this is “Nightline”. Tonight, we bid a farewell to our good friend, Tom Brokaw. NBC has been your “bread and butter” and from that Tom, you have been able to become an American icon. Tom Brokaw is a hero. From Nightline, this is Ted Koppel, ABC News. Good night. (Cue taped segment from Dan Rather) Dan Rather: Good evening, I’m Dan Rather for CBS News. Now, I could say a few things about Tom Brokaw that many people do not know, but that would not be in my character…I’d Dan Rather not! I just made a joke. It’s not what Dan Rather would do. You know, Tom, you and I are a lot of the same. You have received hate mail, I’ve been mugged and punched, but these are the things that make life interesting. I guess what I’m trying to get at is, I don’t wanted you to go! If you go, then…it’s just Koppel and me! And hell, Koppel isn’t even there half the time! It’s that guy…Chris Bury. That’s not a name for the news! Tom, I beg you come back! (Pause) For CBS News, I’m Dan Rather and good night. (Camera fades back to the main stage) Brian Williams: Well, that’s it for the roasting. And now…the man of the hour, Tom Brokaw! (Tom Brokaw walks up to the podium) Tom Brokaw: Good evening, I’m Tom Brokaw! That’s how I always started the news…and if I ever do it again, that is how I will start it, then. I have brought numerous phases into the American lexicon! Remember this one…”Shock and Aww!” That was one of my better ones. “Apocalyptic!” Yeah, I know…I’ve used that one a lot. It’s a fan favorite. I will remember you America. And you will remember me. (A pause for a round of applause) For NBC News, I’m Tom Brokaw in New York. Good night. (Cue closing credits) (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
