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President Bush.....Will Forte Vice President Cheney.....Darrell Hammond Announcer.....Don Pardo (The scene opens up with the Presidential emblem with the President's theme playing in the background.) Announcer: We interrupt this program for an important address by the President of the United States of America. (The scene fades to the President sitting behind his desk in the Oval Office.) Bush: Good evening America, I am sure that everyone in this country was on pins and needles a couple weeks ago. Well for the few of you who may have been away from the media, say in the mountains or out in the great land of Texas, I George W. Bush will be your next President of the United States of America. (The President pauses for a moment and smirks thinking about his success.) Bush: Now as most of you may know in this most recent election I received a high majority of the American vote, that's right I received 52% of the majority vote and I now have some political capital and I plan on using it to better this great country of ours. Now while I will be enacting many changes across our land there is one thing I have been hoping to change for quite some time. The theme song for I, the president is "Hail to the Chief". This song has served this country well but like back in 2000 its time for a change to the better. That is why I have decided to change the presidential theme song to the opening fanfare from "Superman" starring the late great Christopher Reeve. Hey boys lets run the intro again with the new theme. (The scene fades back into the emblem of the president and the Superman theme starts to play.) Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen introducing the President of the United States of America George W. Bush! (The camera goes in on a close-up of Bush nodding his head and smiling.) Bush: Okay that's enough for now, you can turn it down. Now wasn't that just the kind of thing you want to hear when the President is about to speak. You wouldn't have gotten that with John Kerry, he probably would have played Perry Como or had his wife play "Living La Vida Loca". But don't worry America our changes here will not be strictly musical we also have many changes taking place across this nation of ours. During this last election the issue of gay marriage was brought out into the spotlight in this country. While I stand firm that marriage is a sacred union between a man and a woman we as freedom loving Americans can no longer disallow homosexual people from having the same freedoms and liberties that heterosexual people have across this country. That is why we have decided to try something bold, that's right ladies and gentlemen we are going to enact segregation. (Bush pauses for a moment to let this sink in.) Bush: That's right the state of Montana will now be known as the homosexual state. Why Montana you may ask? Well it's a big state, plenty of wide open spaces and the population up there is light so we should be able to integrate the homosexuals into this piece of land with little to no problems. Now you won't have to move to Montana if you're a homosexual but you wont receive the same rights as you would in Montana, no marriages, no adoptions, but that's it. However if you want the whole bull, horns and all, then go to Montana your not getting it in the straight 49. Nice winters up their. (The camera pulls out to show Vice President Dick Cheney at the side of Bush.) Bush: Now as many of you have witnessed over the past 4 years my partner in country running Dick Cheney has been portrayed in the media as well a grumpy man. That is why over the past few months Vice President Cheney has undergone many hours of psychiatric treatment and I have to say that he is now one of the most even tempered people I have ever worked with. Isn't that right Dick? (Dick Cheney forces a smile out of his face trying his best to look happy.) Dick: That's right Mr. President. Bush: Hey folks watch this. Mr. Vice President, I think it's a great thing that you come out in support of a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage when your own daughter is a homosexual herself. How do you respond? (Dick Cheney's eyes almost bulge out of his head and he breathes out to calm him down.) Dick: Well thank you for those kind words Mr.President. If my daughter ever wanted to get married I would gladly get her a first class ticket to Montana. Bush: As you can see Ladies and Gentlemen this is a much more sensitive White House. As you also may have heard recently John Ashcroft has left my cabinet to pursue other interests and a new Attorney General was needed for the country. That is why I have elected former counsel man Alberto Gonzales, who by the way is the first brown person- I mean Mexican person to ever be Attorney General. This move is just one of many we are making to bring upon diversity in this nation of ours. In fact funny thing about Gonzales he walks real fast around the office so I like to call him Speedy Gonzales then he retorts back calling me Slow Poke Rodriguez, man that guy is just a hoot- (Dick Cheney gives Bush the signal to wrap things up.) Bush: Anyhoo, there you have it. The homosexual problem shall be fixed, Dick Cheney is no longer off his rocker and the new Attorney General is working out just fine. Cue the new theme boys. (The Superman theme comes on in the background while Bush is speaking.) Bush: Now you can sleep knowing the country is safe, that the war on terror shall be won and most importantly LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
