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.....Liam Neeson .....Rob Riggle .....Maya Rudolph .....Finesse Mitchell Gary.....Will Forte (The band reaches the last bar of the opening tune and Liam enters the stage smiling and waving to the crowd.) Liam: Thank you, thank you! So great to be here! Fantastic! I'm so excited to be hosting Saturday Night Live, this is a great opportunity to work with a fine cast, excellent writers, show off what a talented actor I am, but most importantly - to plug my new movie. "Kinsey" is based on Alfred Kinsey who pioneered some of your nation's earliest and most extensive secular sexual information research. Really interesting statistics, something like 40% of men have had extramarital affairs, 69% of men have been with a prostitute, 92% of us masturbate - and the 8% that don't just haven't figured out how it works yet. It's all very fascinating; but I think the most fascinating aspect of Kinsey's work is his six-point scale. It's a scale to rate one's level of hetero, bi, or homosexuality. (Rob Riggle runs onto the stage) Rob: Liam, Liam, what are you doing? You can't determine levels of sexuality; you're straight, you're gay, or confused. Liam: Well, it's not a final saying sort of scale, it just compares one man's sexual activities to the extreme standards of hetero, bi, or homo sexuality and offers a numerical classification: 0 being completely heterosexual, 3 perfectly bisexual and 6 is homosexual. I've studied it a lot for my role, if you'd like I could evaluate you. Rob: I don't think so. Liam: Come on, it'll be fun. Aren't you curious? Rob: A little. Liam: Alright, curious yet slightly uptight. You're about a two. (Maya enters stage right) Rob: Do her! Maya: What are you talking about? Liam: Have you ever thought about kissing another woman? Maya: Oh, I've done it.. a couple times last season, I think. Liam: (to Rob) She's at least a three. (Finesse enters from stage left.) Rob: Ooh, this is gonna be good - his name is a brand of shampoo. (Finesse and Liam greet a quick hug) Finesse: It's going to be a great show, man. Liam: Yeah, hey, when was the last time you had sex with a woman? (Finesse thinks hard, takes a long, deep breath and slowly exhales.) Finesse: What time is it? Maya: It's almost 11:50. Finesse: Forty minutes ago. Liam: If I could use negative numbers I would. Maya: This is amazing. Do an audience member. Liam: Any volunteers? (Everyone raises their hand. Liam picks the guy sitting aisle side of the front row.) Liam: What's your name? Gary: Gary. (Looks very nervous, turns to camera) Hi, mom. Liam: Enjoying the show? Do you mind if I rate your- Gary: (blurts out) I saw your wife's boobies! Liam: I beg your pardon. Gary: Her tits! In a movie- it was for school, I didn't mean anything by it. I wasn't even turned on. Liam: Really? Gary: They're a little pointier than I like them. Liam: Is your boyfriend here with you? Gary: No! What? I'm not gay! I'm not. (Gary freaks out a bit and Liam walks back to the stage.) Maya: How gay is he? Liam: On a scale of 6, he's an 88. (to audience) Stick around! We'll be right back! Modest Mouse is here! (The band strikes back up and the camera zooms out.) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
