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Narrator.....Chris Parnell Man one.....Seth Meyers Girl one.....Amy Poehler Man two.....Will Forte Girl two.....Rachel Dratch Man three.....Liam Neeson (Open to a Christmas type set, warm lighting, a couple (Meyers and Poehler) wearing fuzzy sweaters stands in front of a fireplace under mistletoe cuddling up against one another.) Man one: I love you. Girl one: Really? Man one: Who else could I love? Girl one: I suppose anyone you wanted -- Man one: But I don't want anyone but you. (Girl one sighs happily leaning in, they share an aesthetically pleasing although passionate and melodramatically cheesy kiss.) Narrator: Is this you? Of course not - this is you. (Focus on the kissing couple moves to a stiff couple sitting on a couch in the same room. Girl two (Dratch) wears a sweater and a reindeer headband; Man two (Forte) sits in the same couch about two feet away from her. The two slowly turn towards each other and lean in, as she leans in he turns away making a gross out face.) Man two: Did you just eat sushi? Ew. Girl two: No. (Breathes into her hand to check her breath.) (Girl two leans in again and Man two dodges her again jumping up onto the end table next to the couch.) Man two: No cooties! Narrator: So what do you do when you've got this- (Man two, still on table.) Man two: Hey, hey - pull my finger, I got a good one! Narrator: And you're having Christmas with this... (Man one and Girl One still embracing, break away from the kiss) Man One: I love you for your mind first, then your heart, then your body. Girl One: I love you for intellect, wit and compassion, plus you're the best sex I've ever had; like a f*&^ing God. Narrator: What you need is a stand-in man; someone to flash in the face of the perfect couple and leave at the door so you can return to your beloved. (Man two sits smoking on the couch, depositing the ashes into a vase like container.) Girl two: Honey, I think that's an urn. Man two: Uh yeah, I know - ashes with ashes, dust with dust. I have manners. (Takes gum out of his mouth and sticks it on the underside of the end table.) Narrator: Now, you have an alternative. (Door bell rings and Girl two leaves to answer the door; she opens it to reveal Man three (Neeson), nicely dressed.) Girl two: (Pleasantly shocked) You're wearing pants. Narrator: He's perfect. (Cut to Man one and Girl one, Man three and Girl two sitting around a dinner table adorned with yummy delicatessens.) Man three: And then I said, "Not me; the goose!" (Everyone erupts into laughter; Girl two and Man three exchange a warm look.) Narrator: You can do what you should do, and the man you leave at home won't embarrass you, induce ridicule, or get you kicked out of Grandma's. He'll just be doing what he'd do if you brought him out. Man two: Halo 2! (his vocal pitch and speed begin to escalate) I've got it, here in my hands, I waited in line for six hours and Oh God! ... (a beat, he looks around sheepishly and grins slyly.) uh oh. (As the narrator begins to speak, cut to Girl two saying goodbye to Man three by shaking his hand and handing him her credit card. Cut to Girl two opening the door to her apartment, Man two is passed out on the couch empty liquor bottles strewn about the floor and the Christmas presents torn apart, there is a cat stuck on top of a light fixture.) Narrator: This Christmas bring to Mommy and Daddy the man they always tried to make you date, and after dinner go home to same loser you keep falling for. Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
