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Rich.....Seth Meyers Doris.....Rachel Dratch Wade.....Liam Neeson Terrorist#1.....Chris Parnell Terrorist#2.....Finesse Mitchell GapPerson.....Maya Rudolph [Scene: Establishing shot. External shot of a generic looking mall. Fade into shot of Doris in the mall holding a bag of stuff. Enter Rich.] Rich: Hey Doris, how's it going? Doris: (excitedly)Omigosh, Rich! How have you been? Rich: (dreamily)Oh, Doris...(back to normal)I've been swell. I just got my novel optioned! Doris: Omigosh, that's terrific! I'm so happy for you. What's it about? Rich: Well...it's nothing too too original. Boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, girl just wants to be friends, boy begins mutilating himself…giving himself tattoos using a razor and some India ink. Boy later blows up the local mall in a final act of desperation. That sort of thing. Doris: Wow, that's pretty heavy...what's it called? Rich: It's called. (aggravated)Screw you Doris! Doris: Ummm...wha...pardon me... Rich: That's the title of the book. "Screw you Doris.". (jovial)I wasn't talking to you. Ha ha. Doris: Oh heh. But uh…I'm still a little shocked. Why did you call your novel that? Rich: Uh, because that's the name of the girl in the novel. Doris McLanahan. Doris: Heh, okay...uh, that's kinda similar to my name. I'm not sure if I should be flattered or worried...heh. Rich: It's just a name. Your name is Doris Lanahan and my character’s name just happens to be Doris McLanahan. It's a coincidence. Doris: Yeah, well that's some crazy coincidence. Rich: Oh geez. So I'm forbidden to ever use the name Doris in any of my novels? While I'm at it I guess I better cancel that idea I had for a tv channel called ‘DorisTV’. The first network for the vain and paranoid! I wouldn't want to get sued for copyright infringement! Doris: TV station? Rich: It's a reference to Spike Lee's trying to stop SpikeTV from using the name Spike...just forget it. You never get any of my references. I am so glad we broke up. Doris: Actually, we never really went out... Rich: Oh geez...u're sooo anal with details like that. I hate that about you. [Enter Wade.] Wade: Rich and Doris, I can’t believe it! How are you guys? Rich: Great. It's going just frickin' great. I'm going to get me some Chinese food at the food court. [Exit Rich.] Wade: Wow, what's his problem? Doris: I'm not sure. He just got his novel optioned though. You'd think he'd be happy. Wade: Yeah. But you know what I heard. I heard he ordered one of those Russian Brides in the mail and after a week she mailed herself back to Russia in a crate. Doris: Wow. That's probably what's bothering him. [Enter Rich, carrying a plate of food.] Rich: Look at this! Does this look like a jumbo prawn to you? This...this is like a shrimpy shrimp. Gah, I hate my life. Wade: Wow Rich. Relax. Rich: Thank you Frankie Goes to Hollywood. Can you play me another song…oh no wait, that’s your only song! Wade: Uh…that’s more of a slam against Frankie Goes to Hollywood than me…is that what u were going for? Rich: I hate you. I’m going to get a hot dog. [Rich exits] Doris: Man, he seems really upset. Wade: Well, I heard he got fired from his job as a garbage man because he started rifling through the trash cans for bits of food before throwing the trash in the truck. It put some people off. Doris: (pensively)Huh… [Rich enters] Rich: Ah hot dogs. If there’s one thing u can always count on it’s hot dogs. (takes a bite)Oh frickamania… Doris: What’s wrong now? Rich: There was a frickin’ piece of bone in my wiener. I hate that. Frick. Wade: Hey Rich, re…take it easy. Spit it out, then move on. Rich: Shuttup. Shuttup! And what are you doing here? Trying to mack my chick! Wade: I…don’t… Doris: Uh, I’m not your chick, Rich. Rich: (to Wade)Oh, u’re good. But u know what…who cares. I’ve got my novel optioned. I’m going to be rich. RICH! When people look at me they’ll go…hey, you see that guy…he’s rich! Doris: Well…heh…if they know you I suppose they do that now. Being that your name is Rich. Rich: Ha…ha…HAH! I…gotta go. See you losers later. (irate)I hope you have ugly babies! [Exit Rich] Doris: I don’t know…I think something else is bothering him. Wade: Well, I heard that he adopted a pet dog and that pet dog ran away from him and went back to the pound. Doris: Wow, that’s rough. [Behind the scene we see Rich carrying a canister of gasoline.] Wade: Rough? Was that a joke? Doris: What do you mean? Wade: You know, I was talking about dogs and you said rough…like ruff. [Behind the scenes we see Rich carrying a bag of fertilizer. He angrily looks forward at Doris and Wade.] Doris: Oh heh. Sometimes I’m unintentionally funny. I can’t help myself. Wade: Just like you can’t help but be beautiful I suppose. Doris: Oh you. Wade: Would you care to grab an ice cream? Doris: That sounds lovely…but maybe I should try and get a hold of Rich to make sure he’s okay. [Behind the scenes we see Rich carrying a big keg with TNT written on it. He angrily looks forward at Doris and Wade.] Wade: Oh don’t worry about him. He’ll be alright. Though…I did hear that he contracted leprosy. Doris: What? How did he get leprosy. Wade: From a public washroom during a visit to Kazakhstan. Doris: I wonder what he was doing in Kazakhstan? [Behind the scenes we see Rich carrying a suitcase with large radioactive symbol on it. He stops in mid shot and angrily looks forward at Doris and Wade. The hand with the briefcase falls out of his sleeve and onto the ground. Looking frustrated him picks the suitcase up with his other hand and walks away.] Wade: Well, he’s a big time novelist now, so he was probably living it up. Anyways, how about that ice cream? Doris: (happily)Sure. [Doris and Wade leave hand in hand. Rich enters scene in background and looks angry before heading off in the opposite direction. Cut to Rich with some terrorists in the middle of the Gap.] Rich: So…do we have a deal? I’ve got you everything u asked for. Now all I want is the money and for you to turn that novel into a movie. Terrorist#1: (flipping through a 8” x 11.5” stack of papers)I don’t know…I mean, I would love to get my hands on a suitcase A-bomb but…the characters in this just don’t speak to me. You know what I mean Habib? Terrorist#2: Yeah. I mean, the main character Ritch…he’s pretty pathetic and a very unsympathetic character. Rich: You guys are gonna be blowing yourselves up after you make the movie anyways! Terrorist#1 Terrorist#2: Yeah…it’s just not what we’re looking for. On a positive note, I think you’ve got all the makings of a great suicide bomber. There’s seventy virgins in it for you. Rich: I don’t want seventy virgins I just want Doris. Why won’t she love me… [Exit Terrorists. Enter GapPerson.] GapPerson: I couldn’t help overhearing…maybe all you need is a spiffier wardrobe. Try this on. [Rich puts sweater on.] GapPerson: Oh man, whoever Doris is, she’ll love you in that. Rich: Really? Thank you, oh thank you. I feel my life turning around already. Doris, wait for me! [Exit Rich.] GapPerson: (bending down) Wait…(holding an ear in her hand)sir, your ear! [Fade Out to The Streets ‘Dry your eyes mate’.] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
