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.....Tina Fey .....Amy Poehler .....Rachel Dratch .....Alec Baldwin Al Sharpton.....Kenan Thompson Bill Clinton.....Darrell Hammond Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Tina Fey. Amy Poehler: Good evening, I'm Amy Poehler. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories. Last Tuesday, the American people went to polls to vote in the presidential election and to get their voice heard. And their voice shouted, “WE ARE MORONS!” Filmmaker Michael Moore is urging members and supports of the Democratic Party to “not slit your wrists” over the results of last week’s election. Moore then urged the Democratic Party to do what he does, not shower and eat lots and lots of Dolly Madison snack cakes! Amy Poehler: President Bush says he hopes the death of Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat will clear the way for successful Mideast peace negotiations with new Palestinian leaders. Bush then called his brother Jeb Bush and said, “Hey Brother, how’d you like to be the new leader of Palestine?” In Alabama, election results are showing that votes came by Old Southern sympathy. And apparently, the south has sympathy for the devil. Tina Fey: Earlier this week coyotes were found for the first time around the nation's capital. Officials believe the coyotes are democratic since they have repeatedly tried to drop boulders on the president's head. And now, with a few words on the election, our very own Rachel Dratch. (enter Rachel) Rachel Dratch: Thanks Tina. Now, as we all know, George W. Bush is our president once again. And while Seth Meyers is crying in the backstage area because his best part was thrown right out the window, I have my own perspective on Bush's supporters. The way I see it, a huge majority of Bush's supporters were male. Tina Fey: Wait, are you saying that men love Bush? Rachel Dratch: Tina, they love Bush more than life itself. When the polls opened, men went all over Bush. I tell ya, once it's offered, men eat Bush right up. If you really look at it, of all the states that voted against gay marriage, those states all had men who wanted Bush. I know it doesn't matter where, but I'm sure men wanted Bush in the Oval Office more than anywhere else. Even Clinton want Bush in there, and he's a Democrat. Tina Fey: Rachel, can I stop you there? Why rant on men voting Bush? What about the women? Rachel Dratch: Oh, I'm sure there were women who wanted Bush just as much as men did, almost equally. I also found that the women fond of the president aren't to pleased with Mr. Cheney. Tina Fey: So the women who wanted Bush don't like Dick? Rachel Dratch: Bingo! But I kinda like the idea of them. I can always find Bush and Dick together. Just don't get Colin in the way. Tina Fey: I've had enough. Rachel Dratch, everyone! (Rachel exits) Amy Poehler: New York officials this week were embarrassed when they found out a recent tagline for a clothing store entitled "Read Books, Get Brain" was a vulgar street term where Get Brain means oral sex. Officials were also embarrassed when they heard of the new McDonald's slogan "Beat Cock, Get Chicken." Tina Fey: This week the Jones soda company announced it was adding a new beverage flavor never before on the market: Green Bean Casserole. In related news, Jones Soda sucks. Amy Poehler: In Health studies this week scientists have found that Vitamin E may do more harm than good for your body. Also found this week: Vitamin X will not give you mutant powers. Tina Fey: Earlier this week Amazon.com CEO Jeff Bezos announced that he wants to help colonize space. Apparently Bezos wants to sell people their own space ships and then have them sell them for half price later in "okay" condition. Amy Poehler: In the known galaxy this week it was discovered that Uranus - please hold your giggles - it was revealed that Uranus has clouds showing evidence that they may have an atmosphere similar to our own. However local frat boys have proclaimed that it is indeed just the Universe's biggest fart. Tina Fey: In global news this week it was discovered that the arctic circle is melting and could endanger the extinction of local polar bears and other arctic species. Scientists say that it will be like the movie "The Day After Tomorrow" but only half as bad. And now here with a personal comment about last week’s election, here is actor/activist Alec Baldwin. Alec Baldwin: Hello, Tina. Hello, Amy. I am here to talk about the past election. America, I am here to say, that I am sickened by what I saw happen on Tuesday…and then on to Wednesday. I am sickened! You sicken me, America! You should be ashamed of yourselves! Do you know what Bush will do? Here are some key words: “A draft”; “Bombing North Korea”; “Making Nolan Ryan the appointed leader of Iraq”; “Putting Sponge Bob Square Pants on the American Flag”; “Apocalypse Now!” America, we can not stand by and let Bush crumble this country into ruins. And that is why I will be officially leaving this country to live abroad. On December 31, 2004, I will be deporting myself from this country…so, say your goodbyes…while I am still here! Thank you, America and good night! Tina Fey: Wow! Alec Baldwin, former American citizen! Amy Poehler: On our last update, we reported a story about Chris Penn eating his brother Sean Penn. We have an update on that story. It’s been reported that Eileen Ryan, mother of actor Chris Penn, the now-late actor Sean Penn and musician Michael Penn, is now urging her son, Michael Penn not to win any Grammys, because it might make Chris Penn jealous, which may result in Chris Penn eating his other brother, Michael. More on this story as it develops. Tina Fey: In honor of Veteran’s Day, ABC aired the film “Saving Private Ryan” however some ABC affiliates did not take part in the airing of the film because of the violence and the language. In response to this, the Spice Channel did go ahead with their broadcast of “Saving Ryan’s Privates” in honor of Veteran’s Day! Amy Poehler: That’s a good film. My husband gave it “9 inches up!” Tina Fey: Lucky girl! Actor Hugh Grant said in an interview this week that he has lost interest in acting and that he is heading into retirement. Asked what he would be doing now, Grant said, “Hookers…lots and lots of hookers!” Amy Poehler: In an attempt to disprove reports of her pregnancy, Britney Spears began smoking in front of paparazzi's cameras. If rumors persist, close friends say she may move to sword swallowing or perhaps just punching herself in the stomach really, really hard. (Imitating Britney) If I was pregant would I do this?(punches herself in the stomach and is winded) I think not... Mike Seurer, a senior CIA official, critical of the agencies war on terror, resigned last week so he could speak more freely about the flaws in the CIA and FBI's handling of their 9/11 investigations. Expect to hear little or nothing from him ever again. Tina Fey: Colin Farrell stated this week that despite being nominated by the current James Bond, actor Pierce Brosnan, he is not interested in playing James Bond. Asked to comment further, Farrell said, “I already get pussy-galore, why would I want more?” Amy Poehler: Madonna said this week that even thou she has been rich most of her life, her next illustrated children's book is about how wealth is overrated. Madonna went on to say, “So buy my book…because I really need the money!” Finally tonight, The Reverend Al Sharpton and his wife announced this week that they are getting divorced. Here to comment on this is “The Reverend Al Sharpton”! Al Sharpton: Hello, America! I believe it’s time to turn a new leaf and that is why I have divorced my wife and I’m out and about…playing the field. Ladies of America, I am calling out a booty call! The Reverend Al Sharpton is ready for love! But before the love, I want some hardcore nasty action with some Korean girls! (Bill Clinton walks on camera from stage left; wild applause ensues) Bill Clinton: Al, buddy, you are going about this whole thing wrong! Al Sharpton: But, Mr. President, the Reverend wants to scare up some tang! Bill Clinton: You’re being too desperate! You gotta be more quiet about it! Check this out. (Dramatic pause) Hello…I use to be the President of the United… (A pair of panties fly at Clinton’s face) …States. See what I mean, Rev? You give it a go! Al Sharpton: Hello, I’m “The Reverend Al Sharpton”. (A pair of panties fly at Sharpton’s face) Bill Clinton: See what I mean? Amy, Tina, how about you ladies meet Al and myself after the show, in the ladies room? Amy Poehler: I’m married. Tina Fey: Yeah, so am I! Bill Clinton: That’s fine, me and Al are going to be in there anyhow. Good night, America! Al Sharpton: Good night, America! Amy Poehler: The Reverend Al Sharpton and former President Bill Clinton, everyone! Tina Fey: For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey. Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler. Tina & Amy: Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow. Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
