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Ray Goose.....Luke Wilson Belle Videre.....Amy Poehler Kit Tilone.....Tina Fey Todd Walker.....Seth Meyers Contestant #1.....Kenan Thompson Contestant #2.....Rachel Dratch Policeman.....Will Forte [ int. Ray’s Apartment – Evening ] [ Ray’s apartment contains the usual mess and ripped couches of aspiring blue-collar criminals. Ray and Belle enter carrying large sacks of money, pistols and masks. Belle locks the door behind her, while Ray takes a seat ] Belle: You and me, we did it honey! Ray: We certainly did. Belle: They said we couldn’t get away with it! Ray: Looks like the shit’s on them. Belle: [ dreamily ] Two million dollars… [ a beat ] So what are we gonna do now? [ looks over at Ray who has turned on the small, beat-up television ] Awww, you’re just gonna watch TV? Ray: I’m gonna watch TV. Belle: But we got all this money. Ray: I bet we could buy a much larger TV with that money. Like, maybe even twice as big, babe. And it won’t have no vomit stain neither. Belle: Leave it to you to blow all our money from robbing the bank on a TV. What you wanna watch TV for anyway? Ray: I wanna see if we are on it, babe. [ ext. Street – Evening ] [ Correspondent Kit Tilone stands in front of police tape ] Kit: I’m standing in front of Sunnyville Superunion Bank, where a robbery has allegedly just taken place. They say two masked men… [ int. Ray’s Apartment – Evening ] Belle: That news bitch called me a man! Ray: You had a mask on; maybe if you grew some boobies she’d know. Belle: What? I’m just to think real hard and grow boobies? You know that don’t work that way! Ray: Shuddup. [ ext. Street – Evening ] Kit: That’s all we know for now, we’ll keep you updated. We now return back to your regularly scheduled quiz show, Questioneers. [ int. Studio – Evening ] [ Questioneers set includes furniture-like host Todd Walker and Jeopardy inspired game board ] Todd: Welcome back to Questioneers. It’s round two; the points have doubled. Let’s take a look at the categories. And they are: The Hypothalamus, Offbeat Drummers, Who Was Set To Direct Superman V When…, Famous Bank Robbers, The History Of Vodka, and finally Spongebob Squarepants. Contestant #1: I’ll take Spongebob Squarepants for 400. [ int. Ray’s Apartment ] Ray: That was quick. The seemed to want to get back to this damn game show. I mean, who watches this? I don’t know anyone who does. Do you? Belle: You know you don’t let me speak to no one you don’t know. Ray: I just love to hear you say it, babe. Belle: First thing I’m doing with my money is getting some bigger boobies. Ray: What, like implants? Just grow em! Your sister did. Belle: Hahah, no. Ray: Fine. We’ll get you a booby doctor on Monday, babe. Belle: Awww, you’re so sweet. Ray: Whatever. [ int. Studio ] Contestant #2: I’ll take Bank Robbers for 400. Todd: Answer is: “This bank robber, known for her small mammaries, recently absconded with two million from Sunnyville Superunion Bank.” [ buzzer ] Contestant #2: Who is Belle Videre. [ ding ] Let’s go back to Spongebob for something harder. [ int. Ray’s Apartment ] Ray: Did ya see that? The shit’s on you, babe. Belle: Wha? Ray: On the TV. The woman on the TV knew you was the one robbed the bank. Belle: We gotta get out of here! Ray: Whaddya mean, “we?” The shit’s on you, not me babe. Take fifty bucks, you should get some nice boobies with that and get out of here. [ int. Studio ] Todd: Answer is: “This chauvinistic bank robber proved as clueless as his compatriot when he hurled novelty WWE dog tags with his name and address on them at an investor.” [ int. Ray’s Apartment ] Ray: Well ain’t that a tub of mud. [ knock ] Policeman (V/O): This is the police, open up! Belle: Awww, hell no. Policeman (V/O): There’s a whole lot of police people out here, you don’t want to mess with us. [ in a deep voice ] Like me, I’m a different policeman, and I’m tough! [ in another voice ] I’m also a different policeman. [ in a girly voice ] I’m a streetwise tough policewoman, bitches. [ in another stupid voice ] And I’m a camera guy following the police around, but I’ll help them beat you up if I have to. [ normal voice ] See! You should just surrender now! Ray: That’s a whole helluva lot out there. [ int. Studio ] Todd: Bank Robbers for 1200. Answer is: “This is how many police have actually arrived at Ray’s Apartment.” [ buzzer ] Contestant #1: What is one? [ ding ] [ int. Ray’s Apartment ] Belle: Hey, there’s only one guy! Ray: We should start paying attention to this thing. Ain’t you glad I turned on the TV now? Policeman (V/O): Twenty angry black cops that want to get back at white trash for centuries of slavery just arrived! Ray: We’re not buying it! [ int. Studio ] Todd: Bank Robbers for 2000: “This is how many more cops actually will be arriving within two minutes.” [ buzzer ] Contestant #1: What is sixteen? [ ding ] [ thunderbolt ] Todd: Correct, and that sound means it’s time for our final round. Before we start I’d once again like to thank this week’s sponsor, Sunnyville Superunion Bank: Serving the Much Greater Sunnyville Dodeca-State Area. And here we go: “This is the only way Ray and Belle could escape.” [ thinking music plays as contestants write stuff down ] [ int. Ray’s Apartment ] Ray: Oooh, this is important! Belle: What is it, what is it? Ray: C’mon, c’mon. [ int. Studio ] [ thinking music on Questioneers teases with a few false endings, before finally coming to a close ] Todd: Time is up, Frank, let’s see what you wrote: “Climb out the window.” No, I’m sorry, they’re on the fifteenth floor and would probably fall to their death. [ int. Ray’s Apartment ] Ray: Hells yeah, now we know not to try that! [ int. Studio ] Todd: Rose, you wrote: “Just beat up the stupid cop and don’t wait around for the final round to end.” And you are absolutely right, the police back-up has just arrived and as for Ray and Belle, the shit’s on them. Contestant #2: Yippee! Todd: Also, I got a chance to talk with the judges, and they decided to accept your answer in the first round of: “What is a dramatic, closing freeze frame.” [ int. Ray’s Apartment ] [ Ray and Belle sit dejectedly ] Policeman (V/O): Fire in the hole! [ freeze frame as the explosion sends the door flying off its hinges ] [ fade out ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
