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.....Tina Fey .....Amy Poehler .....Chris Parnell Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Tina Fey. Amy Poehler: Good evening, I'm Amy Poehler. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories. President Bush, this week, nominated the secretary of National Security, Condoleezza Rice, as Colin Powell’s replacement as Secretary of State. Rice still has to be confirmed by the Senate. In preparation for this, Rice has gone into the hospital for an unidentified procedure, but you don’t need to be a doctor to figure it out…two words…boob job! Amy Poehler: This week, at the grand opening of his presidential library, Bill Clinton unveiled his gift to the future…a penis pump! Novelist Lily Tuck won this year’s National Book Award for fiction. She was later stabbed by one of the members of G-Unit. Tina Fey: A study this week shows that “cross dressing” is not popular anymore, and that “camouflage” is the hit thing. In a related story, RuPaul had a birthday this week. Happy Birthday RuPaul, whatever the hell you are! “The Sponge Bob Square Pants” movie came out this week. There hasn’t been this much excitement about a sponge since that episode of “Seinfeld” when Elaine got the last “sex sponges” from the East side of Manhattan. Amy Poehler: Last week, Jason Alexander’s new show Listen Up was approved to have a full 22 episode run. This makes him the 1st Seinfeld alum to have a sitcom approved for a full season. When asked to comment Jerry Seinfeld said (In her best Seinfeld impression) Seinfeld was a show about nothing! This is a show about something! “What’s Up with That!”. Tina Fey: The show also features Malcolm Jamal Warner another desperation sitcom star. But with the additional success of Surreal Life 3 and those Celebrity Poker Tournaments, it seems that tv shows need washed up celebrities to be successful. It’s only a matter of time before we see Scott Baio on CSI! I can picture it now! Alan Thicke takes over Martin Sheen’s role on West Wing. I bet we’ll be replaced on SNL as well. They hired Michael McKean after Laverne and Shirley. I can see it now! Rick Schroeder and Bronson Pinchot doing impressions. Oh god, the Update! (Dissolve to fantasy title sequence for WU) V/O: From Studio 8-H in Rockafeller Center it’s Weekend Update with and Emmanuel Lewis and David Faustino (Cut to a still shot of Emmanuel Lewis and David Faustino superimposed onto the Update Desk. Then dissolve to Tina and Amy) Tina Fey: America, you don’t want this. The “has been” stars are called “has been” for a reason. Plus, I don’t want to lose my job and have to live in a cramped apartment. I’ll end up spending the holidays at IHOP’s and giving out condoms at Halloween. So I plead with you to not let networks put washed up stars back on TV. You people may think you want them, but you don’t. Believe me, we have seen enough of “Kid N’ Play” for a lifetime. So I plead with you America don’t watch shows with Washed Up Celebrities in them. Boycott anything by those has beens. Let them be more miserable than their E True Hollywood Story says they are. Don Pardo: This has been Tina Fey yells at America. Amy Poehler: Paul Reubens has announced that he is working on two new Pee Wee Herman movies both are slated for a 2006 release. Hey, Paul just don’t use the profits to buy movies for your “porn collection” you don’t want to go down that path again. Tina Fey: The manager of eastern German amusement park Dwarf-Park Trusetal reported that thieves have stolen scantily-clad garden gnomes from a gnome peepshow currently on display. The list of suspects so far includes scavengers and masturbating scarecrows. A mother's deathbed confession led police in Somerville, Massachusetts to a dead body in a storage locker freezer, and officials said the corpse may be that of the woman's husband whom she murdered more than a decade ago. If you think that's funky, you should see the box of strawberries that's been in there since the Carter administration. Amy Poehler: San Francisco officials pondered on Thursday whether to stop keeping elephants in the city's zoo, as activists pushed for a ban amid concerns about their conditions in captivity. Officials finally decided it would be more humane to let the elephants run free, and to keep the activists locked in cages. And now here with a celebrity commentary, is our own Chris Parnell! Chris Parnell: Hello, everyone and thank you. I’ve been reading the Variety reports and I’ve been trying to wrap my head around the issue of “Who is going to play James Bond?” Pierce Brosnan has nominated Colin Farrell. Colin Farrell has denied the nomination. Sean Connery said this week he wants Ewan McGregor to play James Bond. Hugh Jackman is being considered. Jude Law is being considered. Colin Firth wants to throw his hat into the race…Firth, yeah, keep dreaming! But my question, why hasn’t anyone nominated me? I mean, come on! First off…I’ve got the acting chops to do it! Ah…I was on this show for three years, they fired me, then they rehired me…and I’ve been on for like 3 more years. Why haven’t I been considered? I just don’t get it. I don’t know much about the other actors being considered, but I know that I am up for it. I’ve actually played James Bond…in a sketch during my second season. Tina, you remember. With Garth Brooks, when he was on the second time. Well, the main reason for my rant tonight is…I want someone to consider me for the next James Bond. I want to be…Bond, James Bond! I like my drinks shaken…not stirred! (Break for applause) By the way, I just want to put this out there…”Jingle All The Way” will be out on DVD next week. Thank you…and good night! Amy Poehler: Chris Parnell, ladies and gentlemen. Tina Fey: For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey. Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler. Tina & Amy: Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow. Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
