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Customer... Colin Farrell Female Clerk... Amy Poehler Male Clerk... Finesse Mitchell (Open on a music store, with CDs, DVDs and videos stacked in shelves along the walls. In the center of the stage is a wide counter with a cash register and computer mounted on top. Standing behind the counter is a Female Clerk, wearing an employee vest and a lot of tacky jewelry and humming along to the latest pop beat, ignoring the world around her.) (A male Customer enters from the left; he is dressed casually and there is a bulge in one of his jeans pockets, produced by a portable CD player. He walks up to the counter and taps on the surface, bringing the Female Clerk out of her own private world. She addresses the Customer.) Female Clerk: (cheery) Good afternoon, sir, and welcome to Edison Entertainment. How can I help you today? Customer: Yeah, uh, I called earlier asking if you had the new Velvet Revolver CD in, and the guy I talked to said you did, so I’m here to pick it up. Female Clerk: Oh, I’m sorry sir, but it happens that we sold out of that disc about an hour ago. It’s rather popular. Again, I am sorry. Customer: (perturbed) Ah, that’s just great. (shrugs) Wasted my lunch hour for nothing. Female Clerk: (trying to improve his spirits) There’s no reason to be upset, sir. At Edison Entertainment, if we guarantee that a product is in stock and fail to provide it to the customer, we’ll order it in for you and you’ll get it completely free of charge. Customer: (pleased) Wow, that’s a nice little convenience. Thanks. Female Clerk: No problem, sir. I’ll just fill out an order form and send it off to our distributor. (She starts typing information into her computer, then turns back to the Customer after a short pause.) Oh, there will be a five dollar shipping fee. Customer: (a beat, then puzzled) Excuse me, did you say there was a shipping fee? You said it would be free of charge. Female Clerk: Well sir, when specially ordering a product, the customer is required to pay for shipping and handling, because that’s not related to the actual cost of the product. It cuts down on overhead and keeps us from raising our prices. Customer: (miffed) Then it’s not completely free, is it? You should’ve told me that. (calms down) Eh, still a bargain. (He reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five and his drivers license and gives them to the clerk. Here’s the money and my license. Female Clerk: Thank you, sir. I’ll just enter this information in, get you a receipt slip, and you can be on your way. (She takes the money and the license and enters the information into the computer. She finishes typing and presses a button to print out a receipt.) (The sounds of a sputtering printer can be heard after she pushes the button.) Female Clerk: (slightly upset) Oh, this thing’s been acting up all week. Could you please hold on for a minute, sir? Customer: (impatiently) Well I have to get back to work in fifteen minutes, so is there any way you can speed it up? (He taps his foot impatiently as he waits. After a few seconds, the Female Clerk gets a slip from below the desk and gives it to the Customer along with his license.) Female Clerk: Here you go, sir. Sorry again for the delay. We’ll have your order ready in two weeks. Just come back here, show that slip and the disc is yours. Have a good day. Customer: Thanks, you too. (He turns and exits to the left, leaving the Female Clerk to return to her singing.) (The scene dissolves and then returns to the same setting. The Female Clerk is back behind the counter, singing once again.) (Super: TWO WEEKS LATER) (The Customer from earlier enters the store and approaches the counter. He is dressed casually again and has his CD player in his pocket once more.) Customer: (surprised) Oh, it’s you again. I’m here to pick up the Velvet Revolver CD I ordered a couple of weeks back. (He reaches into his pocket and pulls out the slip he was given two weeks ago, giving it to the Female Clerk. she stops singing and turns to him.) Female Clerk: (cheery) Oh, good to see you again sir. Yes, I’m pleased to say that your disc is here and ready for your enjoyment. Customer: That’s great. I can’t wait to finally hear it. Female Clerk: Well, it is a rather popular item here. As a matter of fact, when calling in your special order, management decided to order a complete shipment in case anyone else wanted to purchase it. I’ve got the whole shipment right here with me; they’re selling rather quickly. (She takes the slip and pushes it through the cash register's slot, then pulls out a CD from under the counter and scans it on the register's scanner, looking at the readout.) All right sir, your total comes to eighteen dollars and eighty-nine cents. (The Customer reaches to take the CD, but stops and looks very surprised at what he heard.) Customer: (incredulous) Excuse me? You’re charging me for this? Last time I was here you said I’d get it for free. Female Clerk: (still cherry) Yes sir, as I told you two weeks ago, our store waives the cost of any item if we guarantee it in stock and fail to provide it. Customer: (slightly irked) Okay, but you’re still making me pay for it because…? Female Clerk: Well sir, when our shipment came in this morning, it so happens that a young man was interested in the same CD. As it happens, we gave him your disc, so he got it for free. (The Customer looks at her with a convoluted, angry expression on his face) Customer: (agitated) You’re joking, you have to be. Because what you said makes no sense at all. You can’t call one CD mine before I have a chance to get it. Female Clerk: I’m sorry if this is an inconvenience to you, but since you placed the order, then, technically, the first CD sold was yours, and therefore that had no charge on it. We can’t be held at fault if you weren’t here in time to pick it up before someone else did. (shrugs) First come, first served. (The Customer quietly fumes and mutters under his breath, and the Female Clerk attempts to calm him down.) Female Clerk: If you’d like sir, I can sell you another copy of the disc at a lower price. You paid five dollars to cover shipping, so I’ll deduct that from the cost. It will come to thirteen dollars, but it’s still a good bargain. Customer: (frustrated) I’ve only got ten bucks on me, I didn’t think I’d have to pay for it so I only brought enough for lunch at the pizza place. I got my ATM card, though, let me use that. (The Customer walks out of the music store setting and into the main region of the mall, passing by a series of storefronts. The camera follows him during his travel. He vents his anger as he walks out of earshot of the Female Clerk.) Customer: (perturbed) Damn bimbo messing with me. What the hell, they give some punk my discount because they say that he got my CD. Makes no sense at all; my CD is the one I buy, not the one they sell first. I ought to call their main office, tell them they should consider outsourcing at that store. (He reaches the ATM, inserts his card, and enters his number and information. As the machine processes his transaction, he reads a message on the screen) "The Chicago Trust Bank wishes to inform you that due to economic troubles, a five dollar service charge is now in effect for each automatic withdrawal." (grunts in anger) So much for my discount. (He takes his money and storms off back towards the store. He approaches the counter and slams his money down, glaring at the Female Clerk.) Customer: (irate) There, that’s twenty. It’s more than enough, and it’s more trouble than I deserved. Female Clerk: (chipper) Thank you sir, let me ring you up again and you’ll be on your way with Slash and Scott Weiland. (She gets another CD from under the counter and scans it. She then takes the money, enters the amount on the register, and places it in. She gets change and gives the disc and the money to the Customer.) Here’s your CD, and here’s your change. Have a good day sir. Customer: (bitter) It’s a little late for that, but I’ll try to…(He looks looks at his change and his face quickly contorts to an expression of anger) What the hell? You only gave me two bucks. I should get six-something. Female Clerk: (still calm) Oh, right, the five-dollars off. I forgot about that. Thank you for reminding me, sir. May I see your discount slip? Customer: (bewildered) Discount slip? You never gave me any slip. Female Clerk: I didn’t? (a beat) Oh, I’m so sorry, sir! I forgot to tell you that if we promise our customers a discount, we have to provide them with a receipt to verify that they can pay less. I’m so sorry I forgot to give it to you. Customer: (trying to remain calm) Well, can I have it now? Female Clerk: I don’t think I can do that, sir. If you don’t have a signed receipt then I’m unable to verify the sale at a lower price. Plus, you already made the purchase; the money’s been recorded in the register. I can’t take it out or it could hurt my job. Customer: (angry/incredulous) Are you doing this just to piss me off? Are you sadistic, or are you actually this stupid? You can’t charge me full price after you promised me a discount just because you forgot to give me some stupid form! Female Clerk: I am sorry, sir, but we must follow store protocol. If you don’t have a receipt then I cannot validate your discount. I apologize for the inconvenience and deeply regret forgetting to provide you with a receipt, but I hope that you still enjoy your music. (suddenly cheery) Have a good day, and be sure to tell your friends about Edison Entertainment. (The CUSTOMER stomps out of the store and into the main mall area, still very aggravated. He calms down a bit once he is out and he can finally listen to his CD. He rips off the plastic wrap, opens the case, takes the CD player out of his pocket, and places the disc in the player. He puts his headphones on and turns on the player, smiling happily music. After a few seconds, he notices something wrong. He turns off his CD player and takes the disc out. He looks at the disc and his anger returns. He storms back to the right of the stage and back up to the counter and the Female Clerk.) Customer: (very angry) Hey, Employee of the Month, this stupid thing’s scratched. It won't play anything. Female Clerk: Well of course it won't, sir. If the disk is scratched, then the lasers in the player won't be able to read the electronic data and convert it into clear sound... Customer: (interrupting in an agitated manner) Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, okay, I know why it won't work, I know about the lasers and how they read the disc, but I don't care. I want my money back. (He slams the CD down on the counter and shoves it towards the Female Clerk. She looks at it and shakes her head while frowning.) Female Clerk: I'm sorry, sir, but we can't take this back. It's damaged merchandise. Customer: (frustrated) That's because you sold it to me damaged! Female Clerk: Be that as it may, sir, if the protective wrap has been removed from the CD case, then I'm afraid we cannot refund the purchase. It keeps unscrupulous customers from ruining the CD and trying to refund it. Customer: (irate) You just gave it to me a minute ago! Why would I wreck it if I just got it and didn't have a chance to listen to anything?! Female Clerk: I believe that you had nothing to do with this damage sir, and I would gladly vouch for your integrity. But the store policy stands as it is. If you've removed the wrap and opened the case, you cannot return it under any circumstances, no exceptions whatsoever. Customer: (agitated, speaking to her slowly as if she were a child) But what about if it's already scratched up when it's been packaged? Then you have to open the case to look at it! Female Clerk: Again sir, I apologize, but it's out of my hands. Even if I could take it back I couldn’t exchange it, we’re sold out. Velvet Revolver is a pretty fast mover here. If you'd like, we could try to clean the disk for you at a small cleaning fee. Customer: (frantic) No! No, I'm not going to pay for any cleaning! There is no way I'm gonna shell out any more money for this nonsense. Female Clerk: Well then, we can return it to our distributor for a new, undamaged copy, completely free of charge. (The Customer looks as though he's going to have an aneurism. He leans in and grabs the Female Clerk by the chin, pulling her face up close to his.) Customer: (cold, on the brink of going insane) When you say, "completely free of charge", that means I won't have to pay any money at all, right? (She nods) No shipping costs, no replacement fees, no sales tax; no payment at all? (She nods again. He sighs in relief, and assumes a calmer voice) Okay, that's all I needed to know. (He lets go of her face.) I'm glad to hear that it can be returned. Can you get started on it as soon as possible? Female Clerk: Absolutely, sir. (She takes the CD and places it in a bag.) Oh, there is a ten dollar insurance fee, though. Customer: (unsure of what he heard) What? Female Clerk: Yes, in regards to replacing damaged goods, an insurance fee must be paid by the customer to prevent store liability. We can't have the company suffer for shipping mistakes, now can we? Customer: (ready to lose it) But you said that it wouldn't cost anything to get a new one! Female Clerk: That was only referring to the cost of the CD. Insurance for a new product is completely separate. (smiling and cheerful) But don't worry, we can deduct the insurance fee from the cost of the next CD that you purchase here. (The Customer moans as he realizes that it's starting all over again. His face contorts in a semi-distraught/insane manner and he marches out of the store, leaving the oblivious Female Clerk behind the counter, looking at the computer.) Female Clerk: Just let me print out an insurance form for you, and we'll get right on this. (The scene dissolves and then opens on a new setting, a gun dealership with various firearms on display and NRA posters covering the wooden walls. An African-American Male Clerk is standing behind the counter filling out business forms.) (The Customer from the music store enters the shop and walks up to the counter, grinning insanely with a steely look in his eyes. The Male Clerk looks up to address him.) Customer: (in a happy, yet creepy voice) Hi. I was wondering if I could purchase a firearm here. Male Clerk: Of course you can, my good man. It's so good to see a man exercising his Second Amendment rights. Now, as you know, owning a gun is a great privilege, and precautions must be taken to ensure the safety of the owner and those around him, so we'll need you to fill out a couple of forms that will let us... (The Customer hands a stack of papers to the Male Clerk.) Customer: Here are the necessary forms. I filled them out on the way down. Male Clerk: Oh my, you're quite enthusiastic about this. Let's hope I don't see you on the news holed up in a clock tower any time soon. (They both chuckle over the joke, then stop.)Now then, I'll get these papers processed and you'll have your gun by the end of the week. Customer: (with a sinister grin and voice) Perfect. (The Male Clerk takes the forms over to a computer on the counter and begins typing) Male Clerk: Oh, I should tell you, though, that there is a thirty dollar processing fee. Customer: (face sinks, in a somber voice) Processing fee? Male Clerk: Yes sir, I'm afraid our distributor charges for every new customer that wishes to buy a firearm; it's needed to keep liability costs down. But don't worry; we'll deduct the thirty from the cost of your gun when you buy it. I'll print out a receipt slip for you. (The sounds of a printer starting up are heard, then the printer sputters and dies.) Aw,damn, this always happens with the new guys. Could you please excuse me for a few minutes, sir? (The Customer, realizing he's stuck in a never-ending nightmare, starts sobbing and bangs his head against the counter as the Male Clerk deals with the printer.) (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
