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John Rivers.....Darrell Hammond Lt. Goyer.....Rob Riggle Archie Simpson.....Chris Parnell Augustus Van Heiken.....Colin Farrell Mary Simpson.....Rachel Dratch Betty.....Amy Poehler Veronica.....Maya Rudolph (The scene begins with a rather large man walking in a park.) (The scene begins at a funeral with a podium in front of it. Beside the podium is a casket with a picture in front of it and a banner overhead saying "Rest in Peace: Tim Rivers". A man walks up to the podium to address the crowd.) John Rivers: Good afternoon everyone. We are here today to remember the life of one Tim Rivers, a boy that I used to call son. When I think about Tim the first thing that comes to mind is, what a disappointment! Tim was the worst son that a father could ever have. I remember when he was a child he had to repeat Pre-school. Then when he was 10 years old he thought he could be Superman so he jumped off the top of our roof and broke both of his legs, then after that he jumped again. Then when he was 14 years old and going through puberty he decided to go peeking at girls. Unfortunately the woman he decided to peep at was my boss at work while she was in the ladies room. I got fired after that and had to become a door to door insurance salesman. I came here today waiting to tell you all "I have no son!" But then I heard my son died while he was having sex with two beautiful women at the same time. My god I wish we could all go out that way. Tim my boy I shall always respect you. Now I will let Tim's best friend Archie Simpson say a few words, Archie. (John steps down and Archie takes over the podium.) Archie Simpson: Thank you John, I think we can all agree that Tim Rivers was a disgrace to the universe for 99 percent of his life. I remember when we were taking the SAT's in high school he asked me which letter he should pick if he didn't know what to do. I told him C and he picked W. I also won't forget the time that we went to the prom and he had decided to spike the punch. However he got the wrong bottle and spiked the punch with bleach instead. We lost the star quarterback to that and we didn't make State that year. In fact when I first heard that Tim Rivers was a dead man I went out and bought some tap shoes so that I could literally dance on his grave after the burial. Then I heard the news that he died having sex with two beautiful women. And folks I also found out who those two women were. One of them was a French maid and the other one was a swimsuit model. No matter how many times he left me to deal with the cops there is no way I could disrespect a man like that. Tim you are a god among men. (Archie leaves the podium and an army lieutenant comes up to the podium.) Lt. Goyer: Good day everyone I am Lieutenant Goyer, at ease. I was Private Rivers commanding officer when we were back in Vietnam and he was the most cowardly unpatriotic man that I have ever met. I remember one day that we were on an important mission through the Gai Troung San mountains and we heard a noise in the bushes. Well Tim he comes up to me and says that it's Charlie in there. So I ordered the men to fire, unfortunately it happened to be Private Charlie, our radioman who we had shot. Then the weather got worse and we were unable to contact base for help. We got captured by Viet Cong and had to spend 5 years in the darkest prison cell there ever was. Tim and I were the only two who made it out alive since he gave up every secret he knew and then some to get an extra grain of rice at dinner. I came here a few days ago to begin a court martial on Private Rivers but then he died before I could exact the justice that had to be done. Then I heard Private Rivers had died having sex with two women and I couldn't be prouder. In fact I talked to some of my contacts at the Pentagon and they have decided to officially change Memorial Day to Tim Rivers week. I guess the only thing I have left to say Tim is "We love you long time." At ease Private. (Leiutenant Goyer salutes Tim's casket and puts the American flag over it, then walks off stage. A woman walks up to the podium trying to control her tears.) Mary Simpson: Hello everyone I am Tim's ex-wife. Tim and I got divorced about 4 years ago. Before today I would have told you that Tim Rivers was an abomination to all humanity. I remember as a joke that sometimes would bend over stick his butt in my face and then let loose a big juicy fart and just laughed his ass off. It didn't help that it happened during sex. Then one time while we were walking on the street a guy came up to him and asked him if he could see my wedding ring so he took it off my hand and gave it to him. He didn't even try and chase the guy down or anything. Then one time he taped over our wedding video with hard core spice channel porn. But then I heard that he died having sex with two women at the same time. I found out after he died that he had been able to please both of the women he was sleeping with. He may have been a bastard when I was married to him but I consider him my best man now. God bless you honey. (Mary walks over and kisses the grave and walks away. An older man in a Nazi uniform wearing a monacle walks up to the podium.) Augustus Van Heiken: Heil to the- I mean hello everyone. My name is Augustus Van Heiken and I came from ze fatherland of Germany. As some of Tim's best friends may know after ze left Vietznam he decided to come to Germany and join the ranks of the grand and wonderful Nazi- er I mean politically different party. Ya, Ya dat is right. He wasn't very beloved by our men since he always tried to get us to play Dreidel Driedel during the holidays. The worst atrocity of all is that he left our proud establishment and married a local girl named Jane Weinstein. But then I heard of his glorious triumph in the last part of his life when he had the relations with not one but two beautiful ladies. Oh the fuhrer would have been so proud of him. Oh Tim Rivers I don't care what they say but you are indeed one of the greatest Nazi Supermen I have ever known! (Augustus Van Heiken leaves the podium and takes a Nazi flag and tries to drape it over the coffin, a few of the other mourners are able to escort him out. After Van Heiken leaves two more ladies come up to the podium nearly in hysterics crying Betty: Hi, my name is Betty and this is Veronica and Tim is the best lover we ever had. Veronica: I did things with him I didn't know could be done. Betty: He also gave me sexual diseases doctors don't even have names for yet and halfway through it he called me Frank but still I believe this is a great man, three cheers for Tim Rivers! Crowd: Hip Hip Hooray! Hip Hip Hooray! Hip Hip Hooray! (The scene ends with a close up of Tim's picture in front of his coffin.) The End Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
