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Spokesman.....Chris Parnell Red Headed Girl.....Maya Rudolph .....Numerous Extras Gangster.....Kenan Thompson Male Rapist.....Colin Farrell Announcer.....Finesse Mitchell (Open to a cloudy and cold day as Spokesman walks past the a large building. He smiles and the camera pans up to a sign: JAMESON FIRM) Spokesman: Hello, we here at the Jameson firm take great pride in what we do. What do we do exactly? We help the good people like you with your worries and concerns. But I am not here to tell what we do, what kind of commercial would that be? We here at the Jameson Firm believe that excellence comes from the excellence of our staff. Spokesman: The Jameson firm have the finest employees and hire only the best, the cream of the crop. Our interviews are so extensive we look for people who have the best credentials, no matter what kind of work they do. If you’re good at anything, you’ll find work here! Spokesman: We have the best in everything. We have some really professional doctors with degrees from the University of Chicago. We have Harvard educated lawyers and chefs from the finest culinary art schools in the biz. What we can do with all these people, I have no clue. But when you have the best, there can only be success, or something close to that. Spokesman: You see we here at the Jameson Firm don’t want to wow you with fancy figures or celebrity appearances. We just want to tell you the straight truth. The Jameson Firm loves the best, and if you are the best, then you're hired. Hell we have the best in everything, in fact why don’t you follow me. (Cut to inside the Jameson Firm. Spokesman comes by the receptionist desk, a red haired girl sits there filing her nails as a loud country ballad plays on the radio) Spokesman: So, have there been any calls. Red Headed Girl: (In a snotty long island voice) How the hell should I know. I’ve been here all day doing my nails and listening to the coochi. Don’t you have somewhere to be. (Spokesman looks at camera and smiles) Spokesman: The laziness and hot-headed attitude shows how dedicated we are to excellence. She is best at being a total prick not to mention an overall lazy bitch! We here at the Jameson Firm take advantage of these strengths and put them to use. (Suddenly gun shots fire out and the spokesman ducks) Spokesman: That means that our drug dealers are hard at work selling, the gun shots means we have some very competitive salesmen. Spokesman: Speaking of drugs, the Jameson Firm also believes that if drugs enhance your performance then by all means come work for us. Who cares if your cheating. If you’re the best at cheating then that’s a strength. If you need a break to space out and clear your thoughts we have excellent break rooms, so your paranormal drug addicts are always welcome here! (Cut to a view of those break rooms. Numerous people, played by extras are going insane. 1 man is trying to fly and keeps running into the wall. Another man is crouched in a fetal position and mumbling about flying radishes. Mean while a woman is snorting cocaine. Cut back to the Spokesman.) Spokesman: We have a variety of people here at the firm. We got your crack hos, your prostitutes, your ticket scalpers, your electronic pirates and more. Because hey, you want the best, well these are the best damn people we know. Right now I would show you our fine doctors and lawyers, but they were shot today by the finest sniper terrorists and criminals the Jameson Firm has to offer. Spokesman: The Jameson Firm is often criticized for hiring everyone’s talents. Other firms call us "too liberal" or "not actually providing a service to the people,". Spokesman: Okay, so sometimes it gets a little rowdy. Successful people have many different ideas and need time to work it out and cooperate. (Suddenly Gangster and Male Rapist enter the scene, and the pimp pulls a knife on the rapist.) Gangster: Get the hell outta here ya mother (bleep)! Male Rapist: Yeah okay, you sorry ass. (He pulls a gun on the Pimp) Gangster: Oh it’s like that eh. Hey Lysol, come over here and tame the (bleep) (A muscular extra comes in and hoists the male rapist and tosses him into the nearest office. The pimp and extra walk off. The camera pans to the window as the red haired girl screams and jumps out the window.) Spokesman: Okay, so sometimes we may not know what the hell is going on here. But we got the best of everything working to make it a better place. It’s like our founder Mr. Hank Jameson said "Whatever you do in life you should to do to best of your ability, no matter how illegal or morally wrong it is!" (The Male Rapist comes out of the office) Male Rapist: Ahem! Spokesman: Well it’s time for another visit to excellence. (Spokesman walks into the office as the Male Rapist enters it as well. Voices can still be heard.) Male Rapist: So this is your first time being anally raped. Spokesman: Yes Male Rapist: They say people haven’t been anally raped until they’ve been raped by me. (The Spokesman laughs. Cut to a still shot of the building from the outside) Announcer: The Jameson Firm, where excellence is obvious. And hey, it’s the next best thing right after welfare. You know how Bush is gonna be doing it. That Green Party ain’t in the government. So there has to be something else besides welfare. So apply today, cause we all need to pay the rent before that dude comes and slices off our foot. (The screen fades to black) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
