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Sean.....Colin Farrell Jeannie.....Rachel Dratch Craig.....Seth Meyers Christine.....Amy Poehler [ open on interior, Sean and Jeannie's living room. Jeannie is laying snacks on the buffet table, as Sean enters with a stack of DVDs in his arms ] Jeannie: Hey, is that a stack of DVDs, or are you just happy to see me? Sean: I'm always happy to see you, but, yes, these are a stack of DVDs. Some of the best movies ever made, I'm sure you'll agree. Jeannie: [ grabs a DVD box, one at a time ] "The Maltese Falcon".. "Sunset Boulevard".. "Psycho". Wow! you can find anything on Amazon.com! Sean: Beats the pants off Wal-Mart and their discount bin, that's for sure. [ the doorbell rings ] Jeannie: That's them! How do I look? Sean: What difference does it make? They're our friends, they're not going to be influenced by your appearance. Jeannie: I mean, do you like how I look? Do you find me.. sexy? Sean: Oh. Well, that's a different story. Of course, I find you sexy. Are you kidding? After they leave, I'm going to do you like the crossword puzzle in the TV Guide. Jeannie: Well, if you really think I'm that easy. [ banging from the door ] Craig's Voice: Hey, let us in! [ Sean quickly opens the door; Craig and Christine enter with an armload of snacks and DVDs of their own ] Sean: Sorry about that, something might be wrong with my buzzer. Craig: Yeah, I'll bet. Alright, we've got the microwave popcorn -- Christine: Kettle-flavored or caramel crunch. Craig: -- cocktail nuts -- Christine: Almonds, cashews, pecans - betcha' can't eat just one! Craig: -- and a smorgasbord of cool movies to choose from. Sean: Well, we have all night to watch them. We'll take turns choosing among our favorites. Craig: Nice! So, whattaya got? Jeannie: Well, since we're all involved in happy, monogamous relationships, we thought we could start off with something romantic.. but with an equal amount of fast-paced thrills for you guys. Craig: Sounds perfect. We brought just the movie - got it from the discount bin at Wal-Mart earlier today, I don't mind bragging to you. [ proudly holds up his DVD ] "3,000 Miles to Graceland," with Kurt Russell, Kevin Costner, and - oh, yeah! - Courteney Cox Arquette! Christine: I hate Elvis, but Elvis impersonators are so hot! Sean: Uh.. that's your idea of a movie with thrills and romance? Jeannie: I heard that movie was ghastly, deplorable and soulless - and not in the good way. Christine: Well, gee, it's just a suggestion. Craig: No kidding. I'm married to my wife, not the Kevin Costner movie. What did you two have in mind? Sean: [ holds up his DVD ] "North By Northwest," baby! Craig: What the hell is "North By Northwest"? Jeannie: Oh, come on, are you kidding? Directed by master-of-suspense Alfred Hitchcock, and starring Cary Grant, Eva Marie Saint and James Mason! Ring any bells? Sean: It has that famous scene where Cary Grant runs from a cropduster. If you want a fast-paced thrill ride, this is your movie! I'll put it in. Christine: We've never heard of it, and we know from awesome movies. Sean: Okay, forget it. The night's young, maybe it's too early for a thriller just yet. How about a comedy instead? Craig: Good call! I'm always in the mood for a hearty laugh on a Saturday night, and there's nothing funny on television. Why don't we watch -- [ holds up another DVD ] "The Whole Ten Yards," with Bruce Willis and Matthew Perry! Christine: Oh, it is so good. It's a sequel, but you don't even need to see the first movie to understand what's going on. It's just that good. Sean: Hmm.. I don'ty know. But you know what's a really funny movie that I think everyone can agree on? "The Graduate." Dustin Hoffman. You can't go wrong. Jeannie: Yes! Sean & Jeannie: [ singing ] "Coo-coo ca-choo, Mrs. Robinson! Joltin' Joe has left and gone away! Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey." Craig: No, that movie's kind of old. I can't relate to the characters. Christine: Yeah, you guys keep picking old movies. Old movies are boring. Jeannie: That's not true. Why do you say that? Christine: Because they were made before we were born. Everything older than us sucks! Jeannie: Well, that's not fair, because we are picking perfectly good, classic movies! If we left it up to you, we'd be watching crap like.. like.. Christine: "Soul Plane"? Jeannie: Okay! That sounds like crap! Craig: Look, I have an idea. Why don't we wath "Planet of the Apes"? Sean: That sounds good. We love Charlton Heston. Craig: Charlton Heston isn't in "Planet of the Apes", you moron! Screen legend Mark Wahlberg is. Sean: That's it! You don't come into my home and declare Mark Wahlberg a screen legend! Everybody out! Craig: Fine! We'll just go out to the movies - we're dying to see "Christmas With the Kranks"! Jeannie: Have fun - we'd rather watch "It's A Wonderful Life"! [ Craig and Christine angrily exit the house; Jeannie sulks before exiting upstairs ] [ the lights dim, as Sean steps closer to the camera ] Colin Farrell: Hi, I'm noted thespian Colin Farrell. We used humor in the preceding sketch to make the point that all movies are created equal. After all, one man's "Citizen Kane" is another man's "Gigli." And no actor is going to risk their reputation to do a movie that won't turn a profit. So choose your favorites, have fun, and don't let anyone tell you different. [ starts to exit set, stops ] Oh, yeah - this holiday season, be sure to catch me in "Alexander"; a gay, hedonistic romp through the ancient Greek empire. I'll also be appearing in "Miami Vice: The Movie" in 2006. Be there! [ hangs his head in shame ] I know, I know, don't say it. These are really pitiful movie ideas, and should never have been made. But, hey, what do you want me to do, lie awake at night and starve? F(bleep) you! [ exits scene, fade ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
