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Wife.....Amy Poehler Hubby.....Colin Farrell [Scene: A comfy middle class living room. The Christmas season is suggested via a Christmas tree and some decorations but Christmas is not the dominant theme.] Wife: Ahh honey. How I love sitting on the couch with you while snuggling (snuggling up to Hubby) like this. Hubby: Me too dear. For every day that passes I find a new thing I love about you. In that way, it's as though I celebrate Christmas all year round. Wife: Awww, and my mother wonders why I married you. I love that you don't keep your emotions all bottled up inside of you, like a normal man. You’re such a free spirit and you aren’t afraid to express yourself, and I appreciate that. I guess you could say that I married you because you were just so open, that I couldn't help but jump right in! [The couple share a laugh and a sip a bit of tea or something.] Hubby: Yes...well, I have to admit, I've not been totally open with you. In fact, there is something I've wanted to talk to you about for quite some time...and I'm...I'm unsure of whether or not I should bring it up at all...it has to do with the way in which we express our love for one another...physically. Wife: (serious) Look, you knew going into this marriage that there would be no pee-er in the poop-er action happening. So if that's what this is about, just forget it. Hubby: No, no, it's not that. But it is something we've never explored before. Wife: (silly) Oh oh. Somebody’s been watching HBO again. Hubby: No, you blocked it out, remember? Wife: Ah yes. That sure fixed that potty mouth of yours in a hurry, didn't it? The f-word is for hockey games and sailing ships, not for homes. Hubby: Yes darling, I know. Look, just forget the whole thing. Wife: Hey, you can’t just bring something up like that and then say ‘forget the whole thing’. What is it? Tell me! Hubby: I...I...no, I can't do it. I'm too afraid of how you'll react. Wife: Awww, c’mon, at least give me a clue to work with. Hubby: Actually, that IS what I had in mind initially. I was going to just drop hints until you figured it out. Wife: Well…since you don’t want to tell me straight out…let’s see the clues! I’m sure I’ll be able to figure it out. [Hubby rushes out for a moment and then comes back with a bowl of candy.] Wife: I feel like Miss Jessica Fletcher! (looking at bowl) Skittles? You don’t want to fill the hot tub with Skittles again do you? I was picking them out of me for weeks after that last time… Hubby: Yeah, in retrospect that wasn’t the best of ideas. But no, that’s not it, look closer. It's a mix of Skittles and M&M's. See, you have S's and you have M's. (slowly) S and M's... Wife: (putting some candies in her mouth. She stops chewing.) Omigosh, Steven, NO! Hubby: Now honey, hear me out on this one... Wife: You have MS? Oh no Steven… Hubby: What? (consoling tone) No, no I don't have MS. You're not getting it... Wife: This combination tastes awful by the way...it's almost painful to the palate. Hubby: (grabs a handful of candy and eats it) Mmm, that's the stuff. Wife: (handing him the bowl) I’m sorry dear, I’m not much of a detective... Hubby: Wait, let me try again. (grabbing present from under tree) Here…I was saving this for Christmas but maybe you can open it now. [Wife opens present. It’s revealed to be a paddle with the words ‘Sgt. A** Smacker’ on it.] Wife: (ecstatic) I…I don’t believe this. I love the name too…even though it is kind of racy. Oh heck, I can’t wait to smack some a** with it! Hubby: (to self) Yes. (to wife) I can’t believe you’re into it too! Wife: Of course I am. I was captain of my team in college. Hubby: Wow…a captain eh? I like the sound of that…(salutes) Captain! Wife: Yeah, I was in great shape back then though. Of course I had to be because sometimes we’d go on for days. Hubby: (a beat) Outstanding. Why don’t we go upstairs and see if you still got it! Wife: Upstairs? Wouldn’t outside on the front lawn be better? Hubby: Uh…I don’t know…what would the neighbors say? Wife: Well, hopefully they’ll join in. The more the better! Hubby: This is so great. I mean really, it’s terrific. Wife: Wait, do you have the wicket? Hubby: Do I ever! Wife: It has to be nine inches remember. Hubby: Uhhh…ummm…I don’t…uhhh…maybe one of the neighbors could help with that?? [Wife motions towards the door.] Wife: Well, whatever, we’ll worry about that once we get outside. Hubby: (to self, jumping for joy) We’ve been doing it one way for five years and now this! Wife: It’s too bad we don’t have uniforms though. Hubby: I’m way ahead of you. [Hubby rips off clothes to reveal weird, black leather get up.] Wife: (horrified) AHH! What are you doing? What is that? Hubby: It’s my uniform Captain. I understand if it’s not good enough and I need to be punished… Wife: I think I should smack you upside the head with this thing and knock some sense into you. Hubby: I agree. I totally agree. Wife: I don’t know where you got your information from but that certainly IS NOT a cricket uniform. My goodness, you look like some kind of freak! Hubby: I’ve been so bad haven’t I…(mood change) wait a minute…cricket uniform? Wife: (waving the paddle) Yeah…you know, the kind you wear when you’re going outside to play cricket. Sheesh. Hubby: Oh…no…now I remember…you went to college in Pakistan…the cricket capital of the world. Wife: Well, there might be some Australians who would argue that but that’s a fair statement as far as I’m concerned. Go Kashmir College Bengal Tigers! Now, why don’t you get out of that awful get up and let’s go play some…(stops in her tracks) wait…(wife looks at paddle then at hubby then back at paddle. Dropping the paddle) Ewwwww! (with total loathing in her voice) You sick bastard. [Cut to still shot of a house with the caption ‘3 days later’. Cut to scene similar to opening scene with the couple seated on the couch. This time though there is a palpable tension between the two.] Wife: I…I’m sorry I had to do this. Dr. Balls said that this was the only way to straighten you out. Hubby: I understand dear. Wife: Does it still hurt? Hubby: The electrode implants? Ha, I wish! [Wife grabs a rectangular remote control box and press a giant red button. Hubby is given an electrical shock and reacts as such.] Wife: I wish there was another way but shock therapy seems like the only hope. Hubby: I don’t see why we can’t just discuss this like two rational adults and maybe come to some sort of comprim…. [Wife presses the red button again. Hubby reacts but afterwards gets a curious look on his face.] Hubby: (a beat) I like my bottom spanked. [Wife presses the red button again. Hubby reacts and smiles.] Hubby: Would you spank my bottom? [Frustrated the Wife presses the red button and keeps it pressed for an extended period such that Hubby falls off the couch and out of shot while in convulsions.] Hubby: (head enters shot) You think you could just keep it pressed for say 5 minutes… [Wife gets disgusted look on her face and then beans Hubby in the head with the remote.] Hubby: Thank you. [Hubby crosses his eyes and then collapse out of scene as Wife crosses her arms and looks totally grossed out.] [Fade Out to John ‘Don’t call me Cougar’ Melloncamp’s ‘Hurts so good.’] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
