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.....Tina Fey .....Amy Poehler .....Horatio Sanz Bill Cosby.....Kenan Thompson Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Tina Fey. Amy Poehler: Good evening, I'm Amy Poehler. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories. In China this week it was discovered that 9 out of 10 people who call a suicide hotline are getting a busy signal. What's even worse is that the hold music is William Shatner. Amy Poehler: This week scientists have invented a cellular phone that will grow into a sunflower when it is thrown away. Next up on the scientists' "to do" lists: curing cancer. Tina Fey: In London this week, a local store Santa Claus will have a web cam installed in his meeting place and children will sit next to Santa rather than sit on his knee due to an increase in high profile pedophile cases. In related news, Michael Jackson is skipping Christmas this year. Amy Poehler: In Washington this week 4 people tried out a new cap which lets people control computers with their own thoughts. Certain difficulties were discovered with the product when users went back to their jobs and started humming the theme from Tetris. Tina Fey: In recent space news, it was discovered that a solar storm smacked a nearby comet. The solar storm released a statement saying that the comet no longer pleased him sexually. Amy Poehler: In Berlin this week a couple discovered a 6 week old kitten who survived a 275-mile journey sitting on top of the engine of their car. Unfortunately, their new puppy was not as fortunate. Tina Fey: A Kentucky man has asked to be killed, even before his upcoming murder trial, for the killing of 2 children. And in a related story, Scott Peterson wants to know if he can still guest host “The Late Late Show”. It’s been reported, that with the upcoming release of The Who’s new album, Roger Daltrey is singing for the new generation of “Who” listeners. Heard in the corner, Pete Townshend offered his sympathy to old “Who” listeners, shouting, “Don't cry, don't raise your eye, it's only teenage wasteland!” Amy Poehler: In geology news this week it was discovered that new equipment has been made that would help geologists predict earthquakes in the future. Unfortunately they left the keys in the DeLorean. The British police are on the lookout for an alleged stalker of former 80's pop icon George Michael. In further development of this story, Andrew Rigsley was arrested for stalking and having a career that peaked in 1984! Tina Fey: The Bravo Network is developing a new reality show called, “Project Runway”, which is an apparent rip off of UPN’s “Next Top Model”. Asked to comment on this, Tyra Banks said, “Oh no you didn’t!” Comic Wayne Brady is in talks with NBC to develop and star in a new sitcom about a personal injury lawyer. Brady will play the lawyer’s best friend, who kind of acts too white at times, has a “Flavor Flav”- esque alter ego and break dances. Wayne, you’re really showing your acting chops, aren’t you! Amy Poehler: In network news, NBC’s own Brian Williams, the new anchor of “The NBC Nightly News” took the initiative to boost the show's ratings by saying during a broadcast on Friday, “I’m not wearing anything under this desk!” Tina Fey: The former pop group En Vogue filed a law suit against Laurence Fishburne and the creators of "The Matrix" films for using the phrase "Free Your Mind" in their films, which was subsequently one of En Vogue's biggest hit songs. Asked to comment, Laurence Fishburne said, all serious, "Free...Your...Mind!" Obviously, the audience is..."never gonna get it." Amy Poehler: And now here with a commentary about fast food, is our fast food specialist, Horatio Sanz! Horatio Sanz: Thank you, Amy. Folks, being fat…is not a disease and it’s not something that can be fixed easily. It is simply a chose that me, and hundreds of thousands of people like me have chosen to be. We are fat, America! Deal with it. Now, this week, Hardee’s, a semi-popular fast food chain, caused a stir of controversy with their new burger, called, “THE MONSTER BURGER!” (Horatio proceeds to pull a brown paper bag up from under the desk; proceeds to pull out an oversize wrapped burger from the bag; proceeds to unwrap the burger) Here it is! Now, if we can get a close up, this is a super-super sized burger! It contains, two 1/3-pound slabs of all-Angus beef, four strips of bacon, three slices of cheese and mayonnaise on a buttered sesame seed bun. Tasty! (Horatio starts chewing on the burger) Now, this is a very good burger. But apparently, some reporters see the burger as a health scare! What! (Starts giggling) Come on! One reporter reviews the burger as…”too much for one man to endure”. And I say…WHAT! I don’t have problems with his burger and neither should anyone else! And here is my proof…between me and the other fat dude in the cast…Kenan, we ate 6 of these each, every day this week and we loved them! Of course, we had a few ‘regularity’ issues but…that’s neither here nor there. I love these things! I don’t have a problem with these lovely burgers…neither does Kenan! Hell, that Japanese dude with the fastest eating record love these things, too! So…America…shut up and chow down! Amy Poehler: Horatio Sanz everybody! To boost ratings, the producers of “Nightline” have chosen to change their opening theme from the original trumpet theme to the very same trumpet theme, except redone by the horn section of the band “Chicago”. Tina Fey: CBS announced this week that Scottish actor Craig Ferguson, best known as Mr. Wick from "The Drew Carey Show", will take over “The Late Late Show" seat, after it was left empty by former host Craig Kilborn. And in future news, CBS had to, sadly, cancel "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" this week. Amy Poehler: It has been discovered by doctors, that a South Korean man has a nail stuck in his skull. The man came to doctors complaining about severe headache. Hearing about this news story, the producers of "Fear Factor" have started a new challenge on the show, "How many nails can we pound in your skull?" Tina Fey: This past Wednesday, ABC aired "Barbara Walters' Most Fascinating People of 2004". The special included Jeopardy champ Ken Jennings. (Amy imitating ringing a buzzer on Jeopardy; Cue sound effect) Amy Poehler: What is a "flash-in-the-pan"? Tina Fey: Correct! Variety, this week, reports that actress Julianne Moore is in talks to co-star with Nicholas Cage in "Next", a sci-fi thriller in which she'd play a federal agent looking for people who can help predict terrorist attacks. Still un-casted for the film, are Vice President Dick Cheney, Bush advisor Karl Rove and about a dozen “George W. Bush look-a-likes”. Tina Fey: A new film about the President's hometown and childhood has earned an award from best modern art film. The film, "Finding Neverland" starring Johnny Depp, has thus far been a fair success in theatres. Amy Poehler: President Bush met this week, with Iraq's Interim President Ghazi al-Yawar to talk about security issues and about next month's election. According to President Bush's bookkeeper, the phrase "sham election" was said exactly 426 times, during the conversation. Actor Steve Guttenberg said in an interview this week, “I love playing Santa during Christmas, I love the joy on kids faces!” And apparently, Guttenberg can be seen playing Santa at the Transit Mall in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, not just because he loves entertaining little kids…but because he hasn’t worked since 1992! Tina Fey: And now here to discuss his personal feelings about black issues is comedy legend, television legend and a “Jello” spokesman, Bill Cosby. Bill Cosby: Thank you! Ah…Ron Artest goes into the stands and punches people…people who he believed throw a beer at him. Ron, what are you doing? You are a true hater! What is wrong with you! You are reason kids are growing up crooked! Oh, and then you go on television, during interviews…and promote your album. My grandson went and brought the album…it’s one of the worst pieces of crap…I’ve ever heard! We’ve got 8 and 9 year old boys…with erections…acting out the things they are hearing on rap compact discs…and what they are watching on the MTV! I say to those young boys…THEO! Do you are homework! Study your multiplication tables…and not the bra sizes in the Victoria Secret catalogue! Ah…THEO!” Tina Fey: Comedy legend Bill Cosby everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey. Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler. Tina & Amy: Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow. Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
