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Ray Ray.....Finesse Mitchell Jada Stokes.....Maya Rudolph Mo Willie.....Kenan Thompson (Cue Music – “Let’s Get It Started” by The Black Eyed Peas) (SUPER: THE URBAN NEWS REPORT) Announcer: And now, live from Harlem, it’s the Urban News Report! Wit your anchors Ray Ray and Jada…and in the field, my man Mo Willie! Now, here’s the news! (Camera fades in on the urban news desk) Jada Stokes: I’m Jada Stokes and my co-ancha, Ray Ray. Here comes the news. Our top story…5 shoots, 8 drug deals and 2 cops are dead tonight in Harlem. Just anotha day in paradise. Ray Ray? Ray Ray: Rappa Snoop Dogg donned football gloves and a red sweat suit to run through drills with the top-ranked Southern California Trojans football team. Snoop, you so bad, dawg! Jada Stokes: Whoopi Goldberg is back on Broadway in a one-woman show…I’m not going to see it! Whoopi, this is the same bad idea that led to your romance with Ted Danson! Raise an eyebrow for Whoopi, Harlem! My baby girl Alicia Keys said this week, she’s calling for AIDS research in Africa. Baby girl, you had me…then you lost me! Ray Ray? Ray Ray: White girl Renee Zellweger is appearing in a flick called…”Bridget Jones something”. She’s a skinny actress…who became fat for the movie…something like 30 pounds. She’s so fat now; brothers are giving her a second look. Shit…I’d do that. R. Kelly is back in the news this week…it’s been reported that R. Kelly has been accused of making sexual advances to the underage sister of the singer Ashanti. Some say this report is false…either way; R. Kelly is getting some kind of jail time, either way. Why? Because he’s R. Kelly...and he urinated on his goddaughter! Jada Stokes: Nelly’s new single “Over & Over” features country star Tim McGraw…Nelly, I have officially lost all respect for you. Nelly, I gotta good idea, do you next album with “Big & Rich”; do a bunch of shows at rodeos! Nelly, you sell out! Nel, it’s getting cold in here…so I’m putting my clothes back on! Ray Ray? Ray Ray: Well…the worst shopping days are going on for people buying Christmas presents. And it got me to start wondering…why do they call the day after Thanksgiving, “Black Friday”. It’s seems a little bit racist to me. Calling it “black Friday”…makin’ me bite my tongue! An update on the Vibe Awards stabbing, everyone has been talking about. Investigators are looking at the prospect that Suge Knight could have been involved in the plotting of the stabbing. I really don’t want to talk about this story much of anymore, because, frankly, I don’t want to get stabbed by one of Suge’s henchmen. But if you want the story…we now go to a brother in the field, Mo Wille, live from somewhere…Mo! Mo Willie! Where you at? (Camera cuts to “Mo Willie” in the field) Mo Willie: (chewing on a slice of pizza) Yo, dawg! What up? Ray Ray: Mo, you suppose to be doing a report! Mo Willie: Oh yeah, well…the police are looking for Young Buck, a member of “G-Unit”. G-Unit! He stabbed somebody at the Vibe Awards…shit, it was bound to happen! You get a couple hundred rappers and their posse’s in one room, you are gonna have guns shooting and knifes stabbing! That’s my report…back to you in the studio! (Camera cuts back to the studio) Jada Stokes: The estranged wife of pop singer Lionel Richie, Diane Keri Richie, has been charged with letting a man use her Beverly Hills home to give illegal anti-wrinkle injections. That’s so sad! You hate to see whitey get it like that! Ray Ray? Ray Ray: A confessed serial killer was convicted of murder on Wednesday. Coral Eugene Watts, 51, was found guilty of stabbing 36-year-old Helen Dutcher to death in a Detroit suburb in 1979. He faces a mandatory sentence of life in prison without parole. And as you can see, he was a black man! And folks, the moral of the story is…black folks are not like Scott Peterson! We do not try to get out of it…when everyone knows we did it! Jada Stokes: Finally tonight, we present the “Brotha Of The Month Award”! (SUPER: THE BROTHA OF THE MONTH) This month’s award goes to Ron Artest…for beating random people in Detroit! (Cue clip of Ron Artest in the stands, punching Detroit Pistons fans) Jada Stokes & Ray Ray: Ray Artest, we salute you! Jada Stokes: For the Urban News, I’m Jada Stokes! Ray Ray: And I’m Ray Ray…saying, don’t get shot! Peace, we outta here! (Cue Music – “Just Lose It” by Eminem) (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
