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Chief Supreme Court Justice William Rehnquist......Darrell Hammond George W. Bush.....Will Forte Al Sharpton.....Kenan Thompson (Heading: National Naval Medical Center. Rehnquist is sitting in the waiting room of a doctor's office, reading a health magazine. He is wearing his robe, if only to help identify him to viewers. There is an empty chair next to him, and Bush comes in and sits next to Rehnquist. Bush looks around, restless. He doesn't recognize Rehnquist. Rehnquist looks up from his magazine and recognizes Bush.) Rehnquist: Well hey there, young fella. Bush: (He turns. He can't remember the name, but knows he should know it.) Uh...well, what a surprise to bump into you here! Rehnquist: (Looks skeptical) Really. They announced I had thyroid cancer six weeks ago. They didn't think I would make it to the inauguration for awhile, until I reminded them that I ain't dead yet. Bush: (He first starts laughing at the joke, then decides he should be serious because of the mention of cancer.) Er, yeah, I was real sorry to hear about that. Rehnquist: I'm sure you are. Al Sharpton certainly isn't. Bush: Well, you and I both know they're just a load of queers. Rehnquist: No, probably just liberals. What brings you here? You're young, and supposedly very healthy for your age. Bush: Annual physical. I was supposed to have it in August, but I was busy on the champagne trail, y'know. Rehnquist: ...Did you mean "campaign trail"? Bush: Aw, what'd I say? Rehnquist: Nothing. Congratulations, by the way. This time, you did it on your own, buddy. Bush: Damn straight. I mean, thank you. Rehnquist: Thank the American people. They really trust you and believe in you, Mr. President. Half of them, anyway. Bush: Yeah...it's an enormous responserbilery. Sometimes I wonder whether I can really take another four years of this...all this, signin' documents, and, talkin' to people I can't understand, and, goin' to meetings, and, makin' speeches...reading. Man, I hate that. But at least now I can drop a lot of the original cabinet members. They were weighin' me down, y'know. Gettin' on my nerves. Rehnquist: I understand- Bush: (Continues) Pissin' me off. Rainin' on my parade. Appearing in my nightmares. Rehnquist: I see. I can empathize - sometimes none of the other justices agree with me. Bush: Well, that's why I made some changes to the cabinet. I need to work with people who can emphasize with me. But you know what's really annoying? When people don't like you, and they talk about it, and make movies about it, and write books about it, and draw cartoons about it, and wave signs and bang on drums and smoke pot about it... Rehnquist: I think they would smoke pot either way. Bush: Probobably. My question is, don't they ever get tired of it? Why don't it ever seem to get stale? I mean, I think if you put all the Bush jokes in a book, it would be longer than...maybe even the Bible. But hey, I took it for four years, I can tough it out for four more. Rehnquist: Atta boy. Voice: Mr. President? Bush: (Gets up) Well, that'll be my call to duty. See ya at the inauguration, I guess. What was it you were going to do? Rehnquist: I'm swearing you in. Bush: Ah, right. Take care. (exits) Rehnquist: (We still see the empty chair next to Rehnquist. He starts to go back to reading his magazine, then looks up at something we can't see yet. Mutters to himself.) Please don't sit here... Al Sharpton: (Walks up to Rehnquist.) Well, well, funny I should bump into you here. I thought this was the Negro section of the waiting room. Rehnquist: Hello, Al. Al Sharpton: Too bad I'm not president. Once you resigned, I'd appoint Howard Dean chief justice. Rehnquist: (grimaces) I'd live just to spite you. Al Sharpton: Huh. In all sincerity, though, cancer sucks. Rehnquist: That it does. But I try to remember what my doctors tell me. They remind me that, "Live from New York, it's Saturday night!" Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
