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Corey.....Robert De Niro Samantha.....Amy Poehler Chuck.....Finesse Mitchell Barbara....Maya Rudolph Robert.....Will Forte [Scene: Samantha, her husband Corey, Barbara, her husband Chuck and Robert lounge around in reclining beach chairs on a beach with interspersed tables that have fruity drinks on them. Corey is continuously drinking from an umbrella drink.] Corey: This is so awesome. Samantha: Yes dear. Coming to Australia for Christmas is the best idea you've ever had. Next to marrying me of course. Corey: I'll always love you more than Australia, baby. Chuck: Hey, hey, let's don't get too mushy. Be considerate of the single we brought along. Corey: Yeah, my man Robert. Hey man, cheer up, aren't you having fun? Are you sad because you feel like a lonely little salmon with no stream to spawn in? Samantha: Corey! Corey: I'm just asking. Robert: No, hey, look, I've been having fun but I am a little sad...but not because I'm alone. Maybe it's silly but I was just kind of hoping we'd get some snow for Christmas and with the current weather pattern...it just doesn't look too likely. Corey: Good Great Barrier Reef Charlie Brown, you didn't expect it to snow on Christmas in Australia did you? It's summer. Robert: Summer...how is that possible? It's December. Corey: Ha ha. Shows what you know. When it's December in Colorado, it's June in Australia. Chuck: What I think Corey meant to say was...when it's winter in Colorado, it's summer in Australia. Corey: Oh Chuck, you complete me baby. I think I've had one too many pina coladaaas. Robert: Summer? You mean summer...as in, hot weather, reclining chairs, sand, fancy drinks and beachballs? [Robert gets hit in the head with a beachball.] Barbara: Yes Robert...haven't you noticed? Corey: (singing) "If you like pina coladas",duuh dun dun, "getting caught in the rain." Robert: I thought it was just some kind of crazy warm spell. Christmas in the summer? You can't have Christmas in the summer, it's unnatural. What if I wanted to build a snowman? Corey: (singing) "If you're not into yoga",duuh dun dun, "if you have half a brain.". Samantha: (eyeing Corey. To Robert:) Maybe you could build one out of sand. Robert: A sandman? (losing it a bit) That does me no good!!! (calming himself) I mean…it’s boring…a sandman…just the sound of that puts me to sleep. Corey: Ha ha sandman...sleep. You know...(spoken) "though I'm noboby's poet, I thought it wasn't half bad." (sung with gusto) "Yeah I like pina coladas", duuh dun dun, "getting caught in the rain." Robert: I need to get out of here...(almost to self) and find some snow. Corey: (sung) "I'm not much into health food, (looking into Samantha's eyes) I, am, into, champagne"...and pina coladaaaas. Duh dun dun. Samantha: (to Corey) Are you done? Those are non-alcoholic pina coladas for goodness sakes. [A beat] Corey: (to Samantha) Yeah...I know that...and you know that...but (pointing to the others) they DIDN'T know that. They thought I was drunk, now they think I'm just a jackass! Thanks a lot Mrs. Jackass! Robert: Look guys...this might sound crazy but I have to get somewhere cold by tomorrow or (wiping sweat from his brow) you'll be carrying me home in a bucket. Chuck: Relax Robert. Why not just give a sunny warm Christmas a try. Robert: I can't do that. I'm...I might as well tell you...I'm Frosty the Snowman. Corey: (with drink in hand, still acting drunk) I get it, you're so cool they call you Frostaaay the Snowmaaan. Robert: No, I mean I'm really Frosty the Snowman. Have you ever seen that Tim Allen movie where he becomes Santa Claus? Samantha: Tim Allen? Isn't he the guy from "Home Improvement"? Corey: (Tim Allen’s assistant impersonation) "I don't think so, Samantha." Ha ha, LUV that show. Robert: That was years ago. Have you guys watched TV since they started broadcasting in color? Barbara: No need to get snotty Robert...we're just trying to understand you. Robert: Well not long ago, on TV, they had trailers for a movie starring Tim Allen, which I never saw, but in the movie, Tim is chosen to become the next Santa Claus after Santa Claus retires. See, It's not always the same guy. Same thing with Frosty. It might sound crazy but I am Frosty the Snowman, and on December 21st I turn into a big pile of jolly snow. I got three weeks of entertaining children and then I disappear and take on human form again. The pay isn't that great but dental is included. Now please, help me get out of here, quick! I won't last 3 hours in this hot and snowless land! Chuck: Now...if I can ask...who do you work for exactly? Robert: Well, Unilever owns the company and it's Christmas operations but I still answer to...(inspiration hits) SANTA! Of course. I can call Santa to come pick me up. I don't know why I didn't think of it before when I was ranting about Tim Allen… Chuck: Even for a snowman, you seem very unstable... Robert: You'd be unstable too if you were living in fear of becoming just a wet pair of shorts. Corey: (pointing to wet crotch of his orange shorts) Hey, I just wet my shorts! (drinking from his drink) Oh man, I gotta stop with these. Samantha: They know you're not drunk, dear. Corey: (angry) SHUTTUP! Barbara: Uh...here Robert you can use my phone. [Robert dials.] Robert: (into phone) Santa? Hi, it's me Frosty. (pause) Well I've been better. I need you to come pick me up. (pause) Australia. (pause) Yeah I realize that. (pause) I didn't know. (pause) I mean I didn't know, I thought seasons were the same everywhere. (pause) I don't know, maybe I missed that day. (brief pause) Look...this is embarrassing enough without you being a dick about it. (pause) No, look I'm the one who's sorry. (pause) Great, see you soon. (closing phone and handing it to Barbara) Thanks. Barbara: Uhhh right. You know...maybe we should go talk to one of the doctors...you got a lot of sun today. [Barbara nods to Chuck and Samantha and they being to escort Robert off screen. Corey stumbles to his feet with his drink. Exit everyone.] Santa: (offscreen) Ho, ho, ho. [Enter Barbara, Samantha and Chuck.] Barbara: I...I don't believe it. [Enter Corey.] Samantha: Was that who I think it was? Corey: (stumbling) Oh man. I think it was. I think that was frickin' Tim Allen! (looking upwards while stumbling) Hey...hey Tim...HEY TIM! [Exit Corey.] Corey: (offscreen) Hey Tim Allen! I loved your book. Say it...say "don't stand too close to the naked man!" [A pair of orange shorts come flying into shot and land on Samantha.] Samantha: It's not easy being Mrs. Jackass... Corey: (offscreen and yelling.) I am that naked man! [Fade Out to "Escape (the Pina Colada song)"] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
