|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Dylan.....Seth Meyers Marie.....Rachel Dratch DJ Stoonz.....Robert Deniro Kandy the Producer.....Maya Rudolph (Open to DJ Stoonz (Deniro) in a radio studio booth wearing large, ear cupping head phones.) DJ Stoonz: (hits a button and the on air light flicks on - he speaks in a calm soothing voice) Hey everybody, I'm DJ Stoonz the dude with the tunes, and you're listening to KVHI Warm Classics; the adult contemporary hits that never made it to number one. We just started our new contest, now don't do it now, but when I say "call" as in "Don't forget to CALL your mother for Christmas" you call in with the .. phrase that pays, I love that it's such a hip catch phrase. The phrase that pays; whoever came up with that is getting one bang of a bonus let me tell you .. that's creative, really original. Kandy: Mmmhmm, I like it too. Plus we've got great prizes. DJ Stoonz: What've we got? I can't wait to hear, I'm so excited. Kandy: We've got some Michael Bolton albums, gift certificates to the Sizzler. A six pack of the clear Pepsi, and my favorite, a pair of Lisa Loeb inspired eyeglasses. DJ Stoonz: I can't wait any longer, number 25, whoever gets through, CALL right now. Call in! Call! We're gonna give away those glasses. (DJ Stoonz hits a button and the on air sign turns off) DJ Stoonz: I think this contest is definitely going to ring a bell with the younger callers. Kandy: I've got caller 25, do you want to prerecord it? DJ Stoonz: No, I'm a real on air personality, let's do it live; show what a live wire station we can be. (Hits a button and the on-air light turns back on.) You're on the air live with DJ Stoonz the dude with the tunes, and you're listening to KVHI Warm Classics; the adult contemporary hits that never made it to number one. (Split screen; DJ Stoonz on the left and on the right are Dylan (Meyers) and Marie (Dratch) huddled around a cordless phone looking overly excited.) Dylan and Marie: Hi, DJ Stoonz!!! Dylan: I like your rhyming tag line. DJ Stoonz: Thanks, I've got a surprise for you! You're caller 25! Marie: We've got a surprise for you! I'm Marie and this is my boyfriend of four consecutive days.. Dylan: Dylan. And we are representatives of George Hetfield Junior High and as class officers of the seventh grade we are taking a poll to find the best radio station in town to.. Marie: DJ our school dance! We looked up every station in the phone book, to be completely objective. Dylan: All you have to do to progress to the next round is tell us if you can play this song. (Dylan and Marie set the phone on the floor; the camera zooms out to see their whole bodies on their side of the split screen.) Dylan and Marie: (Dancing) I saw the sign, and it opened up my eyes I saw the sign, life is demanding without understanding. I saw the sign, and it opened up my eyes.. Marie: (grabbing the phone) I saw the sign. Dylan: You have a great voice, Marie. Marie: Thanks, someday I want to be a singer. Dylan: So, can you play that song DJ Stoonz? DJ Stoonz: Uh - let me - I don't - how about those Lisa Loeb inspired glasses? Aren't those exciting? Dylan: You can't play the song? DJ Stoonz: No, no I'm sorry. Uh, but I have some fantastic Barry Manilow. (A hanging up sound is heard as the screen goes back to DJ Stoonz, who looks stunned and a little frazzled.) Kandy: And that's the magic of prerecording phone calls (laughs nervously. DJ Stoonz stares off into space, and begins getting angrier and angrier. Kandy hits the off air button.) Are you okay? (DJ Stoonz gets up and leaves, Kandy reacts bewildered. Cut to a family room type setting with Dylan and Marie sitting on a couch.) Dylan: (Pokes Marie on the shoulder) Tag, you're it. Marie: Shut up, I'm trying to plan our wedding. Dylan: Hey, my older brother told me about this thing where I stick my tongue in your mouth. Marie: Ew. Dylan: I know; but I was thinking we could use it in our next annual haunted house. (The door bell rings.) Dylan and Marie: OOH! (They jump up and run to the door) Dylan and Marie: Hi! (Their faces fall in terror, the camera cuts away to the face of DJ Stoonz looking fierce and fired up.) Dylan: It was her idea! DJ Stoonz: You call my station, make a fool of me, and you don't take your prize! (Raises his hand, which holds a crushed pair of Lisa Loeb inspired eyeglasses.) Marie: Um.. thank you? DJ Stoonz: No! Thank you! Thank you for turning my career into a joke! Thank you for proving to me, once again, how uncool I am. It's like grade school .. and high school .. and college.... Dylan: We're really sorry, Mr. Marie: Please don't kill me; I haven't even gotten my real breasts yet. Dylan: Those are fake? Marie: Yeah, my brother's tube socks. Dylan: I never noticed. Marie: You're more of a bum brother. Dylan: True. DJ Stoonz: Enough! I am going to prove to you how cool I am. (He sets down a portable boom box, puts on a track suit jacket and break dances poorly to Run-DMC's "You be Illin'".) DJ Stoonz: (out of breath) So think about that the next time you call in! I'm the dude with the tunes at the adult contemporary station that can RELATE! Marie: Wow...we didn't mean to make you feel bad. Dylan: We just wanted to find the right DJ for our school dance. Marie: And we really like that one song. Dylan: But, then you.. Marie: Came here to bring us our prize.. Dylan: And you busted those wicked cool moves. Marie: You're totally the right DJ for our 7th grade Homecoming dance!!! DJ Stoonz: Yes, YES! Do you hear me, DJ Gods! I will be DJing for a 7th grade homecoming dance! Boo-yah! I'm working my way to street cred! Dylan: It's a cheese wiz theme. FADE OUT Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
