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Robert Downey, Jr.....Fred Armisen .....Robert De Niro Bartender.....Rob Riggle (Fade in on an empty bar in New York) (Downey sits at the piano playing a sorrow holiday song) (Enter De Niro from the front door) Bartender: Sorry, we’re closed! Downey: Mick, it’s cool. It’s De Niro! Bartender: Okay. What can I get you? De Niro: Give me some whiskey! Just give me the bottle! Bartender: Anything for you, Mr. De Niro! (Bartender hands De Niro a bottle of whiskey; De Niro grabs a stool and walks over to the piano) De Niro: So, how’s life been treating you, Downey? Downey: Do you really have to ask that question? We’re both here, alone on the night before Christmas. Oh yeah, life’s been treating me fine! De Niro: I hurt, Downey, I hurt. Will you sing me a song, Downey? Downey: Sure…anything for you, De Niro! (Downey starts singing/playing a “Piano Man” –like song) "Pull up a stool and tell me your sorrow, What happened yesterday, it will happen again, tomorrow, Whatever it is you’ve been looking to see, It’s not what you’re looking to be. Drink a shot and light a cigar, You divorced your wife and you crashed your car, You got your beer in one hand and a cigar in the other, Looking around the bar, you will find no lover. Playing my guitar and sing my songs and do my stand-up routine, The regular crowd are all my friends, but this ain’t no celebrity scene." (Downey’s piano playing becomes much darker; De Niro backs away from the piano and moves towards the bar) "I am not what anyone wants; I am not what anyone needs, As a wise man once said… Take my wife please. She’s a bitch, she’s a whore, I don’t love her no more, I want a divorce, bartender, give me another pour." (Close up on De Niro and the bartender) De Niro: We need to get this guy a woman! Bartender: You said it! (Fade back to Downey) Downey: "It’s Christmas time, such a wonderful time, But I miss the love, I miss love, tell me, where is the love? Santa, bring me some fine liquor so I can forgive and forget the past years, All of this time, has filled me with sorrow, it brings me to tears." (Downey stops playing/singing; De Niro starts to walk out of the bar) "Bartender, call me a cab…and a whore!" (Close up on De Niro as he leaves the bar) De Niro: It’s just another day in paradise. (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
