|
|
|
|
|
|
|
.....Tina Fey .....Seth Meyers .....Rachel Dratch .....Lorne Michaels .....Robert De Niro .....Cybill Shephard [ open on exterior, 30 Rockefeller Plaza ] [ SUPER: "Earlier Today" ] [ dissolve to interior, Tina Fey's office ] Tina Fey: Hey, has anybody seen Lorne? Lindsay Lohan just arrived for rehearsal. Seth Meyers: No. I haven't seen Lorne. Tina Fey: Did anyone check the deprivation tank? Rachel Dratch: Last time I checked, only Joe Piscopo was in there. I had him thrown out of the building. Tina Fey: Why can't we get tighter security around here? I feel like I have to do everything to make this show work. Alright, we'll just have to run rehearsal without him. [ dissolve to overhead shot, an unidentified man wrapping masking tape around a seated Lorne Michaels. An unidentified woman points a gun at Lorne's head. ] [ SUPER: "Meanwhile, Somewhere In The City" ] [ low angle reveal: Robert De Niro and Cybill Shephard are Lorne's kidnappers ] Robert De Niro: Now, don't make any false moves. I'd hate to do anything drastic. Lorne Michaels: Like what, a sequel to "Rocky & Bullwinkle"? Robert De Niro: [ points finger at Lorne and shakes it merrily ] That's good! That's good! First of all, Lorne, I'm sorry it had to come to this, but you've been jerking me around for two years. You've been asking me to host your show since 1975, then when I do you don't even invite me back. You can't take my calls? Is that asking too much? Lorne Michaels: Yes, it is. I have a life. Robert De Niro: Well, I have a life, too. Lorne Michaels: That's not my responsibilty! Robert De Niro: Well, it is when you tell me I did a great show and that you'll have me back one day -- Lorne Michaels: I told you I'd have you back to get rid of you! If I didn't tell you that, we'd still be standing around the after party! Robert De Niro: Yeah, alright. So I made a mistake. Lorne Michaels: So did Hitler! Cybill Shephard: Come on, Bobby. Forget about hosting the show. Let's just kill him. Lorne Michaels: De Niro, what's Cybill Shephard doing here? Cybill Shephard: I'll tell you what I'm doing here, you weasel! I've spent my entire career trying to capture your attention and approval, and nothing! I should've hosted - I was in "Taxi Driver"! You let Peter Boyle and Jodie Foster host, you let Albert Brooks play his stupid films. Years later, you let Bobby and Harvey Kietel host, so I thought you might notice some of my newer achievements. I did "Moonlighting", but all you wanted was Bruce Willis. Then I had my own show, "Cybill", and who do you invite to host? Christine freakin' Baranski, that's who! Well, you've pushed me too far, Lorne. Robert De Niro: Okay, enough of this, we're wasting time. The shows goes on the air in ten hours. Get Tina Fey on the phone. She's your right-hand man, isn't she, Lorne? I mean, she is the one who's really running the show, isn't she? Lorne Michaels: [ reluctantly ] Yes. Robert De Niro: Call her up. Let's go. [ Lorne dials the phone ] Lorne Michaels: Tina Fey, please. [ pause ] Lorne Michaels. [ cut to Tina Fey in her office ] Tina Fey: Yeah, nice try, Martino. [ abruptly hangs up ] [ cut to Lorne hanging up his phone ] Robert De Niro: What happened? Lorne Michaels: She hung up. Robert De Niro: Well, call her again. Why would she hang up? Lorne Michaels: She probably thought it was a gag, we get that all the time. Do you know how many people call up the studio pretending to be me? Robert De Niro: A gag? Well, I find that strange. But it's typical. It's typical that the fans write better jokes than the show does. Try her again. [ Lorne hits the redial button ] [ cut back and forth between Tina and Lorne during their phone call ] Tina Fey: Tina Fey's office. Lorne Michaels: Tina, this is Lorne Michaels! Tina Fey: Martino, I know it's you. Now, I'm much too busy for fun and games -- Lorne Michaels: [ angry ] Tina, did you hear what I said? This is Lorne Michaels! Now, I'm not kidding, this is not a gag, this is very serious! Tina Fey: Martino, you know better than to -- Lorne Michaels: [ now foaming at the mouth ] Tina! This is Lorne! Lorne Michaels! And I'm in deep trouble! Now, you'd best pay attention. Tina Fey: Yeah, I'm listening. [ gives the talkie-talkie hand gesture as she listens ] Would you give me that again? [ pause ] Now, wait a minute.. let me ask you something: What do we regard as our best recurring character ever? Lorne Michaels: We regard our best recurring character ever as Debbie Downer.. [ pause ] My least favorite cast member of all time was Beth Cahill.. Robert De Niro: [ confused ] Debbie Downer? Beth Cahill? What is that? Lorne Michaels: When someone does an impression of me on the phone, the only way they're going to know it's me is by those clues. Robert De Niro: Say no more. I understand. Lorne Michaels: Now, listen, Tina. Listen, carefully. [ De Niro holds up the first cue card: "I Have A Gun" ] Lorne Michaels: "I have a gun.." [ De Niro switches to the second cue card: "At My Head" ] Lorne Michaels: "At my head." [ De Niro switches to the third cue card: "If A Man Who Identifies Himself As" ] Lorne Michaels: "If a man who identifies himself as.." [ De Niro switches to the fourth cue card: "THE KING" ] Lorne Michaels: "'The King'" [ De Niro switches to the fifth cue card: "Is Not Allowed To Be The Host On", which is upside-down ] Lorne Michaels: The card's upside down. [ De Niro flips the cue card over ] Lorne Michaels: "Is not allowed to be the host on.." [ De Niro switches to the sixth cue card, which has a crude drawing of a naked Cybill Shephard on it ] Cybill Shephard: Hey! Lorne Michaels: You got an X-rated card there. Hold on, Tina. I'm reading from cue cards. [ De Niro flips the cue card around to reveal: "Tonight's Show" ] Lorne Michaels: "Tonight's show.." [ De Niro switches to the seventh cue card: "You Will Never See Me" ] Lorne Michaels: "You will never.. see me.." [ De Niro quickly switches to the eighth and ninth cue cards: "Alive" and "Again" ] Lorne Michaels: Go back. [ De Niro switches back to the eighth cue card: "Alive" ] Lorne Michaels: "Alive.." [ De Niro ineptly drops the cue cards, then struggles to hold up the ninth cue card: "Again" ] Lorne Michaels: "Again." [ De Niro scrambles the cue cards in his arm, obviously looking for one that appears to be missing ] Lorne Michaels: It's not grammatically correct, but I thik you have the idea. Tina Fey: It's clear, but let me break in for a minute. Don't you do anything silly. Lorne Michaels: Tina, you know me. I'm much too uptight to do anything silly. [ pause ] Yes. I'm fine. No, I'm fine. [ De Niro finally readjusts his cue cards. He holds up the tenth cue card: "Live From New York It's Saturday Night" ] Robert De Niro: Hey, Lorne? Let's speed this up a little so I can get to my monologue, alright? Read the final card. Lorne Michaels: I'm not going to read that. Robert De Niro: Yes, you are. Do it, or.. I don't know what to say. There could be a problem. Lorne Michaels: Okay, okay. [ sighs ] Tina? One last thing. [ glances at cue card and frowns ] "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night." Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
