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Tim McGraw.....Seth Meyers Nelly.....Finesse Mitchell Toby Keith.....Rob Riggle Lil Jon.....Kenan Thompson (Open to a title screen: HOLIDAY FUN w/Tim McGraw and Nelly) Don Pardo: And now Holiday Fun with Tim McGraw and Nelly. (A beat) Ladies and Gentlemen, television has sunk to a new low! (Fade into a Christmas-type setting. A log cabin room complete with Christmas Tree, a wooden table and a couple of chairs. A fireplace is in the background, and Tim McGraw enters and sits on a chair.) Tim McGraw: Hello, and welcome our holiday special. If Nick and Jessica could do one, why not the newest dynamic duo. Now please welcome the St. Louis Rap Man himself, Nelly. (Nelly struts his way out and sits next to Tim McGraw. McGraw and Nelly put thery arms on each other’s shoulders.) Nelly: Yeah, yeah, welcome to the little show right her! We got the mack dizzle Mr. Tim Mac-Graw up in the HOUSE! Get ready for the most super-fly holiday activities. Tim: What better way to start the holidays than to make some Christmas cookies. Right Buddy? (He looks sweetly at Nelly) Nelly: (enthusiastic) Yeah cookies! In case all of are wondering about why a street man like me is hanging out with Mr. McGraw! You can kiss my ass! I am going mainstream all-right! Everyone is, Jay-Z is hanging out with Regis Philben, and P-Diddy doesn’t even have a gun anymore, just more and more yachts and white guys up his ass! Tim: It’s time that the Rap World Unites with Country stars. I mean the music is all about our roots, the Ghetto and the trailer park. Our partnership has sparked other artists to hook up. Nelly: We just got a video tape featuring a collaboration by Lil Jon and Toby Keith! Tim: Now that’s a good sign America. Toby Keith is probably the whitest and bigot-ignorant country music stars today. Lil’ Jon is known for his street voice and his ghetto bling blanged lyrics. Nelly: It’s bling bling! Tim: (Looks Nelly and smiles) Whatever you say. Nelly: Let’s see that tape! (Fade into a recording studio. Toby and Lil Jon are sitting in the booth and they both look at the camera.) Toby: Hello America, I’m here recording my next single with Mr. Littlest Jonathon. Lil Jon: Man why be playin, it’s Lil Jon. (A beat) Yea-ah! Toby: (Does his own version of Jon’s yeah in a gruff voice) Yeah! Anyways this song will be for my next People’s Choice Award- er I mean for my Album. It’s call, "Hey Terrorists, I don’t know much about you, but I wanna kill you and maybe eat you!" Lil Jon: Wha-aat! Mr. Keith and I can only agree on terrorists. We both wanna see them in a fiery pit in hell. Toby: Me and John here, are gonna play a little bit of the single. It’s called Arm-Wrestling with Al Qayda. (Toby starts strumming at the guitar. Lil Jon starts to warm up) Toby: Hey Mr. Bin Laden, you think you’re so mighty Lil Jon: Mighty in yo tighty whities! Toby: But if you don’t believe me, then let’s arm-wrestle to the death. Lil Jon: Yo, yo stop the track man. I can’t do this without my Ying Yang Twins man, this don’t feel right! Toby: Look man, this ain’t the time your "posse" or whatever the hell you call your prison buddies, to start barging in here! Lil Jon: What’d you just say Cracker! Toby: Hey man, I would have my road crew kick you outta here! But right now I need more appeal, let’s finish the song! Lil Jon: Hey Toby (he pulls out his goblet). It’s time to get CRUNK! (Toby starts to strum away again) Toby: Hey all you terrorists, it’s for the wrestling match! I’ll fly down and hunt that Laden, all by myself. Who needs military service, god knows I don’t have any. I’ll just (he pauses and goes straight for his authentic line) "stick a boot up yer ass, cause it’s the American Way!" (The beat for Get Low pots up all of a sudden) Lil Jon: Let me see you get low! Bin Laden, Let me you get low, you scared you scared! Toby: Time to get shot Al Qayda. Lil Jon: Time to get Crunk Afghanistan! Yea-ah! (Toby just gives him a weird look and dissolve back to Nelly and Tim McGraw) Nelly: Now that was some ground breaking music! Tim McGraw: While that video played we baked our cookies. What do you think Nelly! Nelly: My back aches from last night! At-least these cookies are good! Tim McGraw: You wanna back rub? Nelly: Go for it! (He starts massaging and it slowly transforms into an intimate experience) Nelly: Mmh! Oh man! Tim McGraw: You like them! Nelly: Oh hell yes! Tim McGraw: (Looks out at audience) Well let’s loosen up with some early presents! (Tim goes under the tree and grabs a box and Nelly goes and grabs his.) Tim: Open it first! Nelly: (Opens it an finds a pair of baby blue boxer shorts) Wow, what a pair of shorts! Tim: I know in your videos your pants are always low, so you need so undies that match your shirts. Nelly: Uh thank you? Um, your present is a gold pick for your guitar. Tim: Wow thanks Nelly-meister. How about we listen to Christmas songs next! Nelly: Uh okay? (He is confused at this point) (Tim McGraw goes and turns on the Record Player, a Christmas-Time waltz starts to play) Tim: You heard this song? Nelly: No I haven’t. You got any Nat King Kol, "Chestnuts Roasting- Tim: I don’t think so. How about we waltz. There’s nothing like a good waltz. Nelly: I don’t know how to waltz. Tim: I’ll show you. (Tim McGraw grabs Nelly close to him and they start to move around the room. Nelly starts to laugh.) Nelly: Hey this is kind of cool. Tim: (thinks to himself) He said it’s cool. Okay steady Timmy, time to reel it in! Nelly: Thanks for teaching me these steps. Tim: No problem. So you like our little show? Nelly: Yeah, it was a good idea. (Tim smiles and proceeds to make out with Nelly, much to the laughter and cheers of the crowd. Nelly’s eyes widen and he pulls off of Tim immediately.) Nelly: Man what the hell is wrong with you? Tim: But I thought- Nelly: It doesn’t matter what the hell you thought! This is over, there’s so much crap I can take from you, but this draws the line. I didn’t know you swung that way. What about your wife! Tim: Oh she’s just a country whore! I’ve been enamored with you since Ride Wit Me. That Cowboy get-up, really turns me on! Nelly: Yeah the whole thing was pretty tight! (He pauses) But that’s not the point. I was just trying to be friends. That’s it. Not lovers, not partners, not mates, just friends. Tim: But you were going along with all of my advances, I just assumed you were into me. I mean I don’t see you hooked up yet! Nelly: (Looks up at the ceiling) I wanted to be your friend. Tim McGraw: (starts talking like a woman) No, you don’t. You didn’t like me. Nelly: Okay fine, I don’t want to be your friend. I didn’t even know your name. I just went along with the collaboration and the friend-ship so I could score with your wife. She’s the cream and I’m the cookie that’s on top! Tim: So you just wanted to gain some "faith" with Faith. Nelly: Yeah. Basically I assumed that I could be your friend and go along with your lame-ass ideas, and then we’d go to your house and I would shag it up! Tim: I think you should just leave! (Nelly grabs his jacket and walks out the door which is on the opposite side of the room. After a minute he pokes his head through again.) Nelly: Look man even if it was those man kisses it was still pretty good. Tim: It was? Nelly: Yeah how do you get that fresh breath. I mean all you country stars do is drink beer with your dogs. Tim: Get the hell out! (Nelly leaves. The screen fades to black.) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
