|
|
|
|
|
|
|
"The King"/Himself.....Robert De Niro .....Maya Rudolph [ opening credits montage rolls ] Don Pardo: .. musical guest: Destiny's Child. [ show billboard of dark silhoette with a white question mark in the middle ] Don Pardo: And, your host: "The King". [ montage dissolves onto main set ] Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen... "The King"! [ "The King" - De Niro dressed as his Rupert Pupkin character from "The King of Comedy" - runs onto Home Base; audience cheers ] "The King": Thank you, thank you! I'm "The King", and it's great to be here tonight. You're a wonderful audience; I'm going to remember that when it's time to write out my will! But, seriously! I'm feeling a little sad this evening because I got kicked out of my favorite country club this morning. Can you believe that? All because of a slight misunderstanding. What you have to know is that I'm a very superstitious golfer. And I was being a gentleman about it when I asked the club owner's wife if she'd do me the favor of kissing my balls as a gesture of good luck. What can you do, right? [ light chuckles from the audience ] I have to be honest with you: I'm not very knowledgeable when it comes to fine minerals. For example: I have a marble countertop in my kitchen - okay? - but I usually take it for granite. [ polite laughter from the audience ] But, hey, I'm making a little money now, so I thought I would buy a new car. But you have to watch out for these car salesmen, they're sharks, am I right? I asked one of these guys about a new car yesterday, and he shows me the sticker price. The sticker price. I said, "Whoa, whoa! $18,000? Don't you think that's a little high for a sticker?" He said, "No, no. Sticker's free. It's $18,000 for the car." I said, "Alright. Now, we can negotiate!" [ confused chuckles from the audience ] So, tell me if this ever happens to you. I had a big lunch today - and, no, I know that happens to a lot of you, but that's not the point of my story. I had a big lunch today. I knew I should have stopped eating, like, six plates sooner, but I was feeling self-indulgent. Anyway, I left the restaurant, and, wouldn't you know it, I puked all over the sidewalk! True story. Puke everywhere. Incredible, you know? And I'm looking at my puke all over the sidewalk, you know, and the first thought that raced across my mind was: "Geez, you know, when did I have corn?" [ Maya Rudolph runs onto the stage ] Maya Rudolph: Robert, Robert, Robert. What are you doing? "The King": Hey, who's this "Robert", baby? You've been given an audience with "The King"! Maya Rudolph: Be serious, Robert. Why are you calling yourself "The King"? Robert De Niro: [ giving it up ] I don't know, Maya. It was the only way I could get on the show again. Can you believe they didn't enjoy my performance last time. I had to kidnap Lorne Michaels just to get back on the show. [ audience laughs loudly ] I'm serious! I tied him up! Maya Rudolph: Well, you didn't show up for rehearsals that week, and you spent the entire show reading the cue cards. Robert De Niro: So does half the cast! [ points to a cue card holder ] Look at this guy - he's still making revisions! Why bother? The show never looks the same on reruns. Maya Rudolph: I'm sure they'll edit all this out. God, those jokes were horrible. Did you write your own material? Robert De Niro: No, I didn't write this material. This came from your staff. Maya Rudolph: Really? Robert De Niro: Trust me, Maya - you're too close to the edge of the cliff to see the forest for the trees. Anyway.. how've you been, baby? Come here - give Bobby some of that mixed brown sugar! [ Maya hugs De Niro ] Maya Rudolph: Are you sure you want to host the show tonight? We spent all week writing sketches for Lindsay Lohan. Robert De Niro: I can play her parts. Maya Rudolph: You can't do the entire show as a teenaged girl. Robert De Niro: Why not? I did an entire movie as Jake LaMotta. That little girl's small potatoes next to that. Maya Rudolph: Well.. if you're sure you're up for it. Robert De Niro: Hey, I've come this far. Besides.. gotta promote "The Fockers", baby. If you think I'm living off the residuals from "Midnight Run", you're crazy. Maya Rudolph: Say, you're not returning Lorne any time soon, are you? Robert De Niro: How much time you need? Maya Rudolph: Well, we kinda trashed his office during rehearsals. Can you dump him off Monday afternoon? Robert De Niro: Done. [ to the audience ] Alright. We have a great show tonight. Destiny's Child is here. [ audience cheers ] [ De Niro glances about the stage, as though lost ] Robert De Niro: Where's my cue card? [ looks straight ahead, points ] There it is. Okay. "So, stick around, we'll be --" [ motions for the card to be flipped ] "-- right back." Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
