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Mario.....Robert DeNiro Customer #1.....Will Forte Husband.....Chris Parnell Wife.....Amy Poehler Customer #2.....Kenan Thompson Customer #3.....Maya Rudolph Customer #4.....Fred Armisen Josepi.....Horatio Sanz (set at the counter of a local pizza joint, Mario, an Italian chef at the counter) (Customer 1 enters) Mario: Hello, can I help-a you? Customer 1: Yes, can I get a large pizza? Mario: Sure, what would you-a like on it? Customer 1: Well, I would like sausage, onions, ham...and anchovies. Mario: No, no, no, no, no, no. I can't do that. Customer 1: Can't do what? Mario: No, no...I can't put anchovies on a pizza like that! Customer 1: What do you mean? Mario: It's just-a no good! It doesn't work. Customer 1: What do you mean, I can have whatever I want, the ingredients are up on the menu up there! Mario: Anchovies don't work, I can't do it. Customer 1: I love anchovies! Mario: Alright, get out of my restaurant, get out! Customer 1: This is ridiculous...(leaves) Mario: Out! Out! (husband and wife enter) Mario: What can I get you today? Husband: Well, I'll let my beautiful wife order first. Wife: Oh, you are so sweet, I love you so much. (begin snuggling) Mario: Okay, okay, let's-a go, c'mon. Wife: I will have a salad. Mario: (rolling his eyes) Alright, alright. Husband: And I will have a...slice of pizza, with eggplant on it. Mario: No, that won't work. Husband: (puzzled) Excuse me? Mario: It won't work, I can't do it. Husband: This is a joke; what won't work?! Mario: I can't put eggplant on a slice of pizza, you have eggplant with-a pasta, or in a calzone! No pizza!!! Husband: You're crazy! Mario: No you-a crazy! Eggplant on a pizza is no good!!! You get out! Wife: What is going on here? Husband: He looks wild-eyed, let's get out of here! (both leave) Mario: These people are ridiculous. (Customer 2 enters) Mario: Now what do you want? Customer 2: What's that? Mario: What do you want now, huh? Customer 2: I don't think we have met before. Mario: C'mon, c'mon, tell me what you want, a pizza, what? Customer 2: No, wait a minute, you were talking to me like we were having a conversation before and that I came back? Mario: OK, smart-ass, out? Get outta here!!! Customer 2: Man-oh-man. (leaves) Mario: And don't come back! You come in here a third time, and I-a bust you up. Customer 3: (coming from a seat) Hi, I ordered a plain cheese calzone, and there is a ton of meat in it. Mario: Yeah, so what? Meat is good, right? Customer 3: Yes, but I ordered a cheese calzone, which is a calzone with just cheese in it. This has cheese and sausage and hamburg and pepperoni and... Mario: Look, look...cheese calzone is no good. You need more flavor in it! The meat is the flavor! Customer 3: But I didn't want meat! Mario: But cheese calzone is so plain. Customer 3: You are insane! (leaves) Mario: Hey, you want more cheese go to the Switzerland country over there! (Customer 4 enters) Customer 4: Hi, I would like a pizza with onions, tomatoes, mushrooms, peppers, and broccoli. Mario: (throws hands up in the air) Okay, that's it! Customer 4: What? What's wrong? Mario: Josepi, get out here! Josepi: (enters) What is it-a now? Mario: This guy wants broccoli. Josepi: Broccoli? Mario: Broccoli! (Josepi looks at Customer 4) Customer 4: (confused) Broccoli!? (Josepi jumps onto the counter, as if to attack the customer) Customer 4: Hey, what the hell is this? Josepi: Nobody eats-a broccoli! I-a kill you! Customer 4: I love broccoli! I am a vegetarian! Mario: Nobody eats broccoli! You can't have-a broccoli on anything, never mind the pizza over here! Customer 4: What are you talking about? Josepi: You insult Italian cuisine! Mario: Get outta here before I-a beat you in the head! Customer 4: Oh my god! (runs out) Mario: Where did we go wrong, Josepi! What have we done to deserve such disrespect? Josepi: That's from "The Godfather!" Mario: I know it is from-a "The Godfather!" You think I'm stupid or what? (begin arguing, and fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
