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Suzy.....Amy Poehler Kathy.....Rachel Dratch Bob.....Chris Parnell Alice.....Maya Rudolph Timmy.....Will Forte John.....Robert Deniro (The scene begins with two tables next to each other. One table is a nice wooden one while the other is a small plastic one. A couple, Bob and Alice, are sitting next to three kids; Suzy, Kathy, and Timmy.) Bob: So are you kids enjoying your Christmas dinner biscuits? Suzy: These biscuits suck. Alice: Now Suzy that is no way to talk to your Uncle Bob. Suzy: I don't like Uncle Bob; I want to sit at the big table. Bob: Hey Suzy you behave yourself now we should just be fortunate that we get to have any Christmas dinner at all. Kathy: I think Suzy is right; I want to sit at the big table. Alice: Now kids stop this right now, it doesn't matter that we aren't at the big table. No matter what table we sit at we are all equal in this family. (An older man comes up and helps join hands between the little table and big table.) Bob: Oh hi John, I guess its time for the blessing. John: It sure is Bob, all right everybody join hands, um Timmy how about you say the blessing. Timmy: Okay Uncy John, God we thank you for this food that we are about to eat and the good health that you have given us throughout our lives and God bless us everyone! All: Amen! Bob: All right now I am going to get myself some of that delicious Christmas Turkey. John: Whoa, hold on their you hungry little scamp the big table goes first and then you guys okay? All except John: Okay Uncle John. (The group at the little table sits down with dejected looks upon their faces.) Suzy: But I am hungry! Kathy: Me too! Alice: Now kids just relax I am sure there is going to be plenty of food for everyone. Kathy: But I want to eat now! Bob: Kids I am not going to say this again, behave yourselves. Timmy: Uncle Bob is right. We should be happy to have what we have right now. God Bless us Everyone! Bob: That's a very positive attitude to have Timmy. If you keep thinking like that I am sure you'll have a new kidney any day now. Timmy: Weally Uncle Bob. Bob: You bet! Suzy: But they're going to run out of Turkey and then we aren't going to have any turkey left and we'll starve to death. Alice: Oh Suzy stop being so melodramatic, your Grandma Polly has been cooking Christmas dinner for years and I am sure that they are going to have enough food for everyone. Bob: Now relax everybody, look the big table is almost done getting their food, it will be our turn in just a couple seconds. (Just as Bob says that Uncle John walks over to the small table.) John: Look guys I am afraid that we got some bad news. Well as you all know Grandma Polly has been getting on in years and well I am afraid she messed up the second turkey so I am afraid we ran out for you guys. (The kids and Uncle Bob look extremely dejected upon hearing this news, Alice though tries to cheer them up.) Alice: Well that's okay, you kids don't even like Turkey that much I guess we'll just have to have a little extra rice and some of Aunt Lou's wonderful ham. John: Oh gee now you're going to really be upset. It looks like we ran out of that stuff too. (Now everybody at the little table stares at John with their "angry eyes".) John: Don't worry though fellas I got some good news. (Everybody at the little table perks up upon hearing this.) John: I was able to save you guys the entire fruitcake, its all yours dig in! (John leaves the little table where the kids and adults look like they are about to explode.) Bob: That's it; I can't take this crap anymore! Timmy: I think the fact that we got this whole fruitcake to ourselves is a great gift, God Bless Us Everyone! Bob: Oh can it Timmy. Alice: Now Bob please don't lose your temper. Bob: Alice I have been dealing with this crap for over 20 years and it just isn't fair. This table has been shortchanged by stuff for years. We followed the rules for years haven't we guys. (The kids shake their heads in agreement with Bob.) Alice: Now Bob I don't want you doing anything rash at our first dinner with your family. Bob: Don't try and stop me Alice. You deserve better than this honey, I am a district manager at a Fortune 500 company for god sakes, and I cant even get my wife at the big table for Christmas Dinner, its pathetic. Kathy: Uncle Bob you're scaring me. Bob: I am just telling you how it is Kathy; we have all gotten the short end of stick. Look at Timmy here, he's been staying politely at the little table for 7 years but will God give him a kidney, Noo! Timmy: But you said I would be getting a kidney Uncy Bob. Bob: (sarcastic) I mean yeah sure you'll get that kidney Timmy. Suzy: But what are we going to do Uncle Bob. Bob: I'll tell you what we're going to do; we're taking over the big table. Alice: Oh please honey that's ridiculous. Bob: No it isn't Alice we have got to make a stand or else this kind of treatment is never going to end. Alice: That's it I cant be a part of this. Bob: Oh did I forget to tell you that my Mom said she thought you were my maid when she first met you. Alice: All right what's the plan? Bob: All right here's the plan. Suzy and Kathy you two are going to use your forks and take out the adults at the ankles. Alice you'll take that turkey knife and take my grandma hostage, that ought to get rid of the main group. Now Timmy I want you to uh (Bob looks at Timmy trying to think what he can do.) Bob: Stay there. As for me I am taking out John the Grinch. All right is everybody set? (Just as Bob says this John walks up behind the small table. John: So how are you guys doing- (Bob jumps out of his chair and throws John up against the wall.) Bob: Alright John, me and the kids have had enough of this BS. We're taking over your big table and there is nothing that you can do about it. You know why, because this is a democracy and in a democracy every member of the family should be able to have a great Christmas dinner. Now just hand over the turkey and all of the fixings and nobody gets hurt! John: I just wanted to tell you guys that I was wrong; there is enough food for everybody. (Upon hearing this news Bob lets go of John and calms himself down.) Bob: Oh John I am so sorry I don't know what came over me. John: Jesus what the hell is wrong with you freak? Bob: I just lost it John being stuck at the small table in my 30's and having to deal with bring down the party Timmy. Can you ever forgive me John? John: How could I not forgive you its Christmas. Bob: Merry Christmas John. John: Merry Christmas Bob. Timmy: God bless us everyone! All except Timmy: Shut up! End Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
